Monkeys Fist

Tell them to squeeze out a turd on their kitchen bench, put the radio commentary on, then stare at the turd as they listen. They’ll feel like they’re there. Especially if they give up and fuck off 45 minutes in.

I’ll have those Dad points back, thanks.

Thanks. I’m graduating to a brick built garage/mini-pub soon. Can’t wait

Fucking long if he was being taught by Digger McChubs himself.

Au contraire, mon brave. Itsh heckshtreemly speshul.

Have a Dad point.

Almasty have some cracking beers out at the moment. The above is fantastic, but beware as it’s 8%. Their Table Beer (3.5%) is amazing, if you can get it. It’s currently on at Coppers in Gosforth.

Wouldn’t a parrot struggle to hold a metal detector?

They should sign this lad to the squad

Try the Metrocentre. Its infested with them.

Are you saying, they’ll Strike Back?

The Empire did nothing wrong…

Crikey, how long ago did he tell it?

Three blokes are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first bloke immediately blurts out "I want a billion pounds ." POOF! he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact £1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF! he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over £100 billion. The third chap thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF! his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First lad says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF! Salma Hayek wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF! his looks change and the Salma immediately starts flirting with him. Third lad says "I want my right arm to rotate anti-clockwise until I die." POOF! now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third and final wish. First one does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF! his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second bloke says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF! he looks younger already. Third bloke smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to constantly nod back and forth." POOF! he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First man is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever.Salma is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second man smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your Salma is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."

Stevie wouldn’t like Guam- it’s biggest town was founded by Scouse Gits

So I was telling my kleptomaniac mate some top notch puns, but he just wasn’t getting them.… … which was when I realised he takes things, literally.

That’s it really. I have nothing to add.

You off on holiday? Anywhere nice?

Your maths is shit.

3 weeks for me- all the wins!

The calculator on my phone is broken.

Which was the dear, departed Sir Ken’s goal in life.

Not if they take after Poppa Mushroom in the brain department.