Monkeys Fist

It’s easy to mistype with 6 fingers.

There are bacteria living in rocks 2 miles under the Earths crust that are more interesting than Paul Scholes.

Close enough…

Why would they sing that in Pennywell, Meenz old chap?

Aye, but they’ll pay me more to put up with it

Drugs are baaaad, mm’kay?

How To Sound Like An Absolute Cunt- Lesson 1

Still trying mate. Might have something offshore lined up in Dubai ( ) in September. Meanwhile, I’ll be Victor Meldrewing my way through waves of incompetent twats onshore.

Mildly exasperated. Took some sub-contracting work last week, just off Threadneedle St. which was nightshifts. Arrived on site Tuesday evening- client hadn’t been informed we were arriving, couldn’t work Tuesday. Wednesday; Went in, familiarised myself with site, inventoried kit and checked the steam cleaner- half of it was missing. Couldn’t work Wednesday Thursday; Spent the afternoon schlepping around Lahndan trying to replace missing gear, managed to get half of it, but I’d be able to get started that night. Go to site, finally able to start- rig ropes whilst it’s still light, come down and set up steam cleaner, switch it on… its fucked, not heating water. Couldn’t work Thursday. Friday: I’m sent instructions to perform a repair, but will need to buy some tools, so I take a lovely afternoon stroll along Cable Street, past the site the Fascists got their arses kicked, and pick up some tools. Later, head in to site to carry out repair. Carry out repair. It’s still fucked. I’m given a number to ring for an engineer, have a chat with him, he confirms that it’s fucked, and won’t be able to un-fuck it until Monday. I relay all this back to Contractor, telling them to have it fixed/replaced on Monday. Couldn’t work Friday I came home late Friday, just got the train to ‘Boro this morning to leave from there at midday. Im told on arrival at Boro offices that it’s still fucked, so I’ve come home, telling all involved to pull their heads out of their arses and stop wasting my fucking time. Still, getting paid 4x 12 hr shifts for nowt, plus travel and expenses.

And then pops his knee out, and is injured for the next 5 years.

Sheath, not sword.

She’s just gone to the shitter, revealing her snacks for the morning. I didn’t realise Greggs did carrier bags.

I think it’s a Lesbian Perm

I’m currently listening to this fat fucking mess, snoring like an asthmatic bulldog on a hot day.

Errrrm… *coughs.

Rees Mogg suits the monocle, though.

When you look outside, how many suns are there in the sky? I’m asking because I’m not entirely convinced you’re actually in the same dimension as the rest of us.

There’s that other Mackem called Jordan…

Victorian horror stories?

I will never forget in 1996, the glorious sight of Clarky staggering in to the Galley kebab shop on the quayside at daft o’clock in the morning, so wankered he couldn’t speak, somehow managed to order a chicken burger, then proceeded to miss his mouth with 90% of it, giving himself a fetching garlic mayo cravate. Best of luck.

Fucking hell Ayatollah H

Next Friday then…

Noelie- “ How about it, love?” Mrs. Noelie - “Turn me into a human lollipop”.