Monkeys Fist

Covid-19 can’t exist because of denpressure. China isn’t real. wibble.

I just had a bit of a chat with an old school pal who posted “let’s not buy goods from China, but British , blah blah” shite all over my FB. Pointed out to him, using his own photos, how many of his beloved possessions were made in China, and asked if he’d be replacing them with British made goods? He was also posting from his iPhone. It went as well as you’d expect and he’s now blocked me. Racist cunt

It’s exactly 50/50 lads- we can’t let these Nantymoel filth win, get voting. Ffyciwch y Mackems!

Looks like The Former Foot Soldier has been using his superlative syntax skills in other ventures … Lolz, laters.

Please hurry.

That’s clearly his spare-room/huffy bed. Judicious camera angle to avoid the knee-deep cans and pizza boxes, too. You don’t get to be Trinity Mirror Group Regional Sports Journalist of 2014 without learning a few tricks.

No thick skin needed here mate- I didn’t give a particular fuck what the majority of them thought before, and I certainly can’t see any great change in that approach from me, come what may. The hoop-licking once we start getting good again will be funny to see, though, in the same way watching kids fall over is

I’m a bit concerned the sun might not come up tomorrow - can someone ask the Knight Ryder what his scoop on it is? I’m happy to wait until Wednesday for his exclusive.

Howay’s not the only one on the red meat.

Done. Fuck Nantymoel, the knuckle dragging seat-shitters.

Get used to this feeling lads

When did you shave the tache off?

“Salt. Fat. Fuck it.Eat. Mastering the Art of Duck Pizza” It’ll sell in the tens of copies

“ Hello, is that FFP admin office?” ”Oui, cest nous. Comment je peu vous aide?” “ This is Mr. Bin Salmaan,of Newcastle United. Hands are really useful when typing out letters saying we haven’t broken FFP regulations, aren’t they?” “ Le Gulp!”

Here’s some tips for you next time you make a pizza. 1. Don’t use a fucking plasterers trowel to apply the topping- for a 10 inch pizza ( thats the diameter, not thickness), use 1 tablespoon (absolute maximum, use less tbh) of pizza sauce. 2. Don’t put fucking bolognaise on a pizza. ( but if you must, see above, put a few teaspoons of it dotted around). 3. Cheese- use fresh, diced or sliced mozzarella if you can. If not, the pre-grated stuff is fine. Not cheddar! Again, don’t go fucking apeshit with it. 4. Practice rolling things in to a circular shape beforehand- try not to bite through your tongue when you’re doing it though.

Here’s a little instruction clip.

So you just head butted it flat?

Someone painted some budgies brown and told you they were chickens, didn’t they?

Do you really not know how to roll out dough/pastry in to a round shape?

You could also try using a rolling pin instead of smacking it with your forehead.

One of our dear, departed friends from that place on Netflix.

Someone wasn’t hoarding bog roll, were they?