Monkeys Fist

Chief Vicar Justin Welby came out with this, straight-faced, today. “Prince Philip showed a remarkable willingness to take the hand he was dealt in life…” Fuck me rigid.

FYP

Won’t be ruining my Sunday shite, either.

Why’ve you put grapes in it’s eyes?

If we’re doing before and afters, just brought the Turder back from the dog barber- quite the change! Other than the obvious skinheed, he had his claws trimmed, and looking at the difference in stance, he was walking flat-flooted beforehand as they were so long, whereas now he’s bouncing about like Iggy on a speed bender. He needs to drop a bit of weight, too, as the skank was obviously feeding him her pizza/cheese on toast scraps and KFC lickings.

Both full of shite 😉

Again, still not sure.

This hasn’t answered my question.

How do you tell which end is which?

By the time he’s had his dreads shaved off, had his claws trimmed, and had the Pennywell stank washed off him, he’ll be half the size and twice as happy. I’m going to get him some toy keys so I can shake them at him, just to remind him of his heritage

Bizarre Napoleon Dynamite fact No. 5; The actors who play Napoleon and Pedro both have identical twin brothers. Now, eat the food Tina, you fat lard.

Anyone who keeps working after a massive lottery win should have it taken off them.

Picked the little bastard up from a skank in Pennywell. I’ve got us both booked in at the dog barbers to be de-fleaed and shaved tomorrow. Poor little shite has been neglected- he’s got dreads in his coat, starved of attention etc, but seems healthy otherwise.

I love this movie. “How much you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?... Yeah...”

When my daughter was a wee toddler, still in nappies, a mate’s mutt went for her (thankfully didn’t harm her), and thereafter she would go rigid if she saw a dog within 50ft of her. She’d cross the street rather than walk past one in a garden, genuinely terrified. Mrs. F’s sister got a little shit-machine when Annie was aged about 7, and she was, as ever, petrified of it, but through slowly spending time with it she’s now happy to take him for walks. Still very wary of other mutts, but not paralysed by fear. I’ve told her that if, at any point, she feels unhappy about the incoming shithouse, to let me know and that’ll be that, but she’s pretty relaxed about the whole thing.

Sounds like the shittest Western ever. The Mild Bunch

I’ve always found Mr. Sheen to be far superior to Pledge, so for that reason, ( and the fact I’m not living in Cloud CuckooLand), I’m out.

Wait for it…

Same over here mate, it’s a shame because Staffys really are such lovely little bastards- I’ll fight any cunt that says otherwise.

Having taken myself off to the man-cave in the huff ( see the General Random Conversation thread), I’m now blasting a bit of Stevie Ray. Found this on YouTube, a sound check… by fuck, he could play a filthy sound.

Just to add, the reason she gave for vetoing Staffys is that “they look too much like you”- meaning squat, stocky and punched-in, with minimal hair. And yet, here we are, getting a fucking mentally unstable, ginger fucking lunatic that likes chewing socks.… … I daren’t tell her what Spaniel’s Lugs is a euphemism for.

So… having thought I’d dodged a bullet when Coco turned out to be stolen, according to her chip, we’ve now been “offered” her brother. By “offered”, I mean we’re picking the hairy little cunt up tomorrow for a “two week trial” i.e. until the little twat pops his stinking clogs. Obviously, it’s another fucking spaniel, the one , sole, breed I specifically said I wanted nowt to do with once I realised we were getting a mutt whether I liked it or not. This particular little shithouse is called Pip, so I’ll be Pip’s Pops picking up Pip’s Poops. Fuck right off I’ve decided that my only option now is to go full-on enthusiast and demand a second dog, but make sure it’s a Staffy, just so I can annoy Mrs. F. as much as this has annoyed me - the breed she specifically vetoed was Staffy’s, even though they’re superb family pets, short-haired, don’t shed, aren’t mental ( look up Rage Syndrome and Cockers!). Hopefully it’ll also terrorise this little Mackem shithouse FML MKII

Paul Ritter, fantastic actor ( he’s the Dad in Friday Night Dinner -one of the best comic characters on TV in years), deed at 54.