Monkeys Fist

Years of flinging them up Camilla’s horse-mouth* did that. Acid burns. Sorry… sorry * Queen Consort Camilla’s gash.

It’s the anticipation. You know that at some point, Elton John is going to fucking murder something from his back catalogue, you just don’t know when. Draining, tbh.

Was it a Three Star jumper and Bags?

Just lock all the toilets- they’ll self-detonate.

Predominantly older and/or right of centre folks, not really sure what it’s all about but the papers say they should do it. “ It’s about sovereignty…” This is Quexit, and I can’t wait for them to get it done.

So, the fat right German AfD party were campaigning in Lower Saxony, and decided to have gummi sweets made in the shape of their logo. Didn’t quite go to plan…

I’ve invited all the neighbours round for PLANTY JOOBS, but they don’t seem too keen. There’s BBQ, beers, live stream of the grave, song sheets for the singalong, full works, but no RSVPs back yet.

God. Imagine being an Aussie and a mackem. Brutal.

I think of all the acts of extreme Britishness that we’ve seen over the past however long it is since she died, ( a week, a month, a year, feels like it), people standing in a TWO AND A FUCKING HALF MILE queue takes the cake. They all look like absolute husks. It’s glorious

I’m struggling to understand what happened there- a bloke is in his own car, which stuck, calls for help, and is surrounded by armed police. He says he’d rather not get out of his vehicle, thanks, and so they shoot him. At what point did he commit a crime here? I hear the cops say he’s got a knife, the armed cops, who are surrounding the bloke, who doesn’t leave his car. So they shoot him dead.

I was expecting it to be to this , tbh, tbs.

It was

Lee Scratch Perrystroika.

If you’re not wearing plus-fours and pink knitwear I’m going to be severely disappointed in you, Thomas.

Keep ‘em in a briefcase.

Can’t you read? He died from a toad poison induced heart attack during a shamanic ritual in a Jamaican shaman’s basement in Moscow. Happens all the time.

Whoa whoa whoa! Back up a bit- Lionel Blair’s dead????? When was this? Did I miss the 10 day mourning period? I know he wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea but he was a decent PM in my book…

Speak for yourself David, nothing weak about my thunderbox.

That first one of the West Stand takes me back. My Dad used to take me and my brother to games in the 1970s and we’d go in there, me and Bro Fist right down at the front, literally pitch level, and Da Fist would usually be up by the wall in the middle. I remember looking over at the Leazes end and being terrified, , in my defence I was only 5-6yrs old.

Funnier if someone had flattened it with a frying pan.

I had an arse inspection booked at my doctors on the 19th, got a text telling me that out of respect for her Maj, no bumholes will be getting the magic touch. Spoilt my week tbh.