Monkeys Fist

Your sister shat on your living room floor in revenge for you throwing up all over the bathroom? I reckon it was the Big Black Dog.

It's a bit mince, but a glass of water every 3rd or so pint does the trick. Has to be followed up with a pint of water before bed. If, however , I mix my drinks - hell follows. I can get away with pints and then move onto Rum & cokes. If I have any other drinks on top of these though,it's curtains. I find now, sometimes I can drink like a thirsty Bedouin and never go beyond "merry". Other times, 4 pints and like Spasticus Autisicus. Rarely have more than 2 glasses of vino during the week now.

Bollocks- he would've flown straight to SJP

I see the translate for animals is just for Android phones. Wondering if J69 has any hamsters left?

Oh dear

The Daily Hate-gave the Automobile Association a James Bond makeover by claiming that its breakdown rescue service had launched a rapid-response patrol of "AA Rocketmen". It said that mechanics with jet packs, similar to the one worn by Sean Connery in the Bond film Thunderball, could now reach stricken motorists more quickly by soaring over traffic jams. The newspaper said tests would run today above the M25 between dawn and noon. If that wasn't enough of a giveaway, the name of the AA's "future technology strategist" quoted in the piece – Raif Lopol – should have set alarm bells ringing. The Independent said it had seen a preliminary study commissioned by The European Organisation for Nuclear Research (Cern) looking into the feasibility of creating a second Large Hadron Collider using the 23km tunnel of London Underground's Circle Line. If the scheme goes ahead, two proton beams would collide at Westminster Station directly below Portcullis House – the offices of more than 200 MPs. The newspaper says that collision would happen "within feet of Circle Line passengers stuck in perpetual immobility" but that health and safety advisers warned that the experiment could create "a mini black hole at Westminster". The Daily Mirror and Daily Express both carried the same story that the Queen booked herself onto a flight with budget airline easyJet to cut her travel costs. A photograph accompanying both articles showed the Queen ascending steps to board the aircraft. The journey from Luton to Aberdeen reportedly cost just £22.99 and a passenger on the same flight told the Daily Express: "There was no special treatment, she was one of the crowd." The Sun sought to persuade its readers to lick a page of its newspaper to humiliate those foolish enough to fall for its April 1 hoax. Its story claimed that the newspaper had perfected a new printing process, called Flair Spool, by which it could inject flavours into paper. Readers were urged to taste a blank square on the page and try to guess the flavour. The patch bore the warning: "May contain nuts." ... and finally The Daily Telegraph told"of specially trained ferrets are being used to deliver broadband to rural areas following groundbreaking techniques used by an Internet provider. The animals have been used by Virgin Media for over a year to help lay cables for its broadband service, the company has disclosed. The ferrets wear jackets fitted with a microchip which is able to analyse any breaks or damage in the underground network.

Not really surprising that ,though?

This was found on Wise' returned laptop, hence our interest

should just open up in Safari anyway, no?

The opposite on both counts. It had nothing to do with fairness- the poor got hammered and the rich,surprise surprise, got richer. But as Alex says, it did finish the Witch.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Community_Charge I was a non-payer, and proud of it.

...older brother Damon is a Twat... FYP

If Tony Montana shagged Earl Hickey.... ( and I would rather watch that than look at that shirt again!)

His sister Jessica is a babe.

How many Skunks does it take to change a lightbulb? A phew.

I'd have given a pen like. I suspect I might be a teeny bit biased

Penalty to Arse. Feckin hell! Bit harsh on Puyol. 2-2

Walcott. 1-2 Arse have their tails up. Henry about to come on.

2-0 Ibrahimovic. Easy

Got 2 canaries for the price of one today they were going cheap.

They look like they've just been caught wanking by their Dad's. All three? By all three dads? At the same time? Not a situation I'm overly familiar with so I'll have to take your word for it! Sticky Biscuit.

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me... 'Oi, what's your disability?' I said 'Tourettes! Now fuck off you cunt!'

A lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins in Newcastle today. It was a turtle disaster.

I winnit bother meself I might give it a go......Not going to be deturd Top punnery there CT This thread has just hit the skids. Best nip it now.