Monkeys Fist

This.

Drilling Schlags. I'm easily amused.

To answer your question ADP, if you're only going to use it once or twice a year to put Ikea stuff together, an own brand cordless from B&Q or the like should be ok, you can get them for about £ 20.

Schlag Bohring. Sounds fun.

Cordless or cable?

When I worked in Davidstow in Cornwall, the sunken lane that went past the farmhouse was supposedly haunted by Charlotte Dymond, some local lass who'd been murdered on the moor in the 17/1800s We used to take groups up the lane onto Bodmin moor for night walks, and I used to go up the lane half an hour beforehand to hide at the top by the moor, jumping out and scaring the shit out if them. I'd done it loads of times, as I was a staunch skeptic re.ghosts and supernatural shit and was quite happy sitting in the dark listening to the beasties of the night. Anyway, this one time I set off, and after 10 minutes I heard someone walking up the lane behind me. Turned, no one there, carried on, heard them again , turned etc etc. I figured it was one of the other staff trying to freak me out so just carried on and hid , expecting them to pass me , when I would get my revenge. Didn't happen. The footsteps followed me all the way up the lane, sounding like they were no more than 10 metres or so behind. When I got to my hiding spot , I settled in , and then noticed the silence. Utter silence , none of the usual clatter the night animals made as they went about their business. I was a bit freaked out by now, then had this overpowering sense of being watched, by someone just behind me. Again, turned and no one was there. It felt like the longest half hour of my life. By the time the group got there I was freaked out completely. No idea who it was following me up the lane, nor can I explain the total silence at the top of the lane.

If you want rich Victorian industrialists showing off their wealth, Cragside is fucking mint. Worth the entrance just to see the Heath Robinson kitchen.

Mine are from years of outdoor graft though, not fried lard butties

There's always the Great fucking Yorkshire Show too Edit; beaten to the gutpunch.

Where d'you put the candle?

QFT

Borrowdale is beautiful at any time of year, but in winter it's magic. If you want avoid any tourists, the Duddon valley ( SW lakes) is the place to go.

FYP

.........The difference between boys and girls

Me and J69, besties.

Sirs, you are a....

You'll find outrage easier to carry off if you remove the broom shank from your arsehole. If my post upset you, you're going to spend a lot of time on here chewing your keyboard. ( re-read it btw, it's not a joke about the dead) And yes, swearing and black humour is acceptable on here. Has been for years, long may it continue.

Change the ball for a bowl of mash'n'beans and you've hit the jackpot

Aye, canny.....

I was largely irrelevant.

Speaking of constipated budgies

"Rention, Manc Fop-lite...."