Monkeys Fist

Cheer up folks, so we threw away a lead in extra time? Here's Keira Knightley's thruppenys.

God Dummett!

Chez's boat

A small change, but necessary.

Aye, but Wilson scored.

Roll up, roll up, prepare yourselves for the Great Pardew Excuse Bingo gentlemen.

I blame CT

On the ball, me.

Genius sub. Pardew for England #boldoncabby

Get in. Now get another.

Icelandic volcano fret.

Good news Stevie. Best of luck with the therapy.

Get your freak on. http://youtu.be/fv--npievoI

Normal Family Fist days are similar, minus the weed nowadays, but El Loco wanted to "treat" the kids before they go back to school. The poor little fuckers are wiped out, as is the bank balance. Never again. It's entirely down to the pure greed of the park owners, by not putting an upper limit on entry numbers, they completely fuck over each and every customer in the place who must spend literally hours queuing for fucking everything- rides, drinks, a piss, the fucking lot. The charge to get out of the place really took the biscuit mind. I never swear in front of the nippers, but when the bloke manning the barrier to get out took my cash and then said " Have a nice day!" I gave him a look of absolute disgust and said " You cheeky, cheeky fucker!" I'll look at it as taking one for the team- if Mrs. HMHM ever suggests you go, show her my post. If she still wants to, see a lawyer, you're entitled to custody and half the house.

Legoland. If you have kids, are planning to have them, or know someone who's sister's neighbour has them, avoid the place like an Ebola clinic. After 7+ hrs in the fucking place, I tallied up our time spent on rides- 23 minutes. Yes, I did time it Every ride, EVERY FUCKING RIDE, had a minimum queuing time of "75 mins", that's an hour and a quarter, minimum, in old money. The rides, once you eventually got on them, were shit. Without exception. The entire place stank of rotting vegetables/sewage depending on where you were. Anything you buy in there comes with Vaseline, to ease the shafting you are having. As if £240+ isn't enough for a family of four, the cheeky fuckers charge you to get out, which they dress as a parking charge, payable on exit. Oh, btw, the 7+hrs mentioned above doesn't include the 2 hours it took from entering the gates to getting parked , then queuing to get in the fucking place. The "super duper queue jumper gadget"( a bargain at only £25 per person extra), had a queue of over an hour to get one I didn't bother, cheers Lego. Other than that it's great.

What about Allardyce?

It doesn't have much flavour, admittedly, and stings like fuck on the way out.

Alana Pardew.

I'm in Windsor, having just had a breakfast of CTesque proportions. Legoland awaits. Kill me now.

BSM Subtle.