The Fish

No I wouldn't. Prove it.

Aye, I much prefer that to some vanilla cliche-fest.

In their 1-1 draw against Liverpool, Everton played about 50% of their passes long. In their 4-0 win against West Ham, Everton played about 13% of their passes long. Tell me again, Mr Allardyce, how you've played different football at every club you've managed?

I pity the poor chump that picks Mike's Range Rover Fob from the bowl. Beads of belly sweat pooling in the small of your back as he tries to thumb in a softy.

Pretty ballsy move by Ashley to try it on with Stavers with his wife in the background. Unless they're swingers?

Keeping the lie simple is a good strategy, nice one. But try not to sound so cold, "I drove and gave two female team members a lift home"... sounds too rigid, you don't want to give them any reason to suspect you. "I wasn't drinking, so I drove them both home, Sandra was a bit tipsy y'see." "I dropped them off near Jenny's place. Why? Is everything ok officer?"

Godless is mint. Parky won't like it.

They're only escorts if he pays them.

Just made me think, Gemmill's Christmas Do will be coming up soon. Fear for the taxi-ranks of Tyneside.

Espadrilles bruv

I wouldn't wear trainers ffs.

I'll likely bump into them then, as long as my taxi doesn't get stuck in congestion... Bijou charge £10 for a vodka and coke apparently. So I'll have my free drinks, then fuck off, I reckon.

Read a couple of negative reviews on Trip Advisor, so to make sure I'm denied entry, I'm going to turn up in jeans, trainers and blackface.

Wish they'd asked me. English Tapas and frozen grapes as far as the eye can see. Here it is; http://www.bijouclub.co.uk/

It looks like it's been chosen by the type of lass you expect to see selling her "4 in a bed romp with Premier League bad boys" story to the Daily Star.

There's nowt wrong with me... physically.

Quit your job then. You shouldn't be forced to drive like a cunt because of time pressure. Start working for Parky, he's loaded and weird. There's no better boss than one that is both loaded and weird.

Are you forbidden from starting earlier?

Work night out tonight. I've had a look at the venue... it's all a bit Only way is Essex for me. Might deploy an Irish g'bye early doors and meet up with mates instead. Couple of lasses on a different team have come into work in the dresses they're wearing tonight, the thing doesn't start until 19:30 and this place usually empties around 16:00, so I'm expecting those dresses to be speckled with white wine, garlic mayo and vomit by 12.

Should set off earlier then.

That's not all he knows. And you know it. Y'know?

To be honest I pay more attention to Caulkin's reaction, than I do to a photo of Ashley and Staveley.

And sitting in the middle lane contravenes the highway code. We apparently get to pick and choose which rules we stick to. I choose to view the speed limit on a motorway as a guideline based on an antiquated figure, when braking wasn't as good and when cars weren't as safe in a collision. You choose to sit in the middle lane because you are too lazy to drive properly. Own it.

That's ludicrous.

"at this level"? fucking hell mate I do that and I think it's safe to say I am not at Staveley's professional level. Sexinesswise, we're about par though.