The Fish

Setting it up? 90% of it is plugging the thing in and connecting it to your wifi. The only hassle is when you change internet service provider and have to remember to update all the doohickeys. Amazon's good for that, I update one and it'll spread the news to every Alexa device I have. I have 1 Show, 1 Echo, 3 Dots, 2 Fire Tv sticks and when I switched to Vodafone fibre I just told the Show what to do and the rest fell in line. I set reminders, video call my folks, listen to music, send messages, follow recipes, watch tv, check the news, all by having a chat with the nice lady in the box.

Get the IFTTT app. It stands for "If this, then that" and it's a pretty user friendly way of automating your devices which works with loads of the smart tech brands. Expands the programming options you've got within the existing apps. Useful stuff like 'If my phone gets within 100 meters of the house, turn on the lights'. 'If my phone leaves that area, turn off these lights, turn off the heating, turn on the alarm and release the hounds'. 'If I say "Movie night" turn down the lights, set the audio system to this setting, open Amazon Prime', lock the doors. etc. The smart thermostats are useful and can save you money (if used right). Smart blinds that gently open with the sunrise are cool. Smart Locks give you added security (mate has them purely because his girlfriend is forever locking herself out, so rather than schlepping home from the office to let her in, he pushes a button on his phone and et voila. After the Kitchen gets paid for, my next project is getting more smart home tech up in this hizzouse. Definitely getting a video doorbell for the added security and the ability to tell the courier not to take the package next door because she's a cunt and I can't be arsed with the 20 minute diatribe about the proposed speed bumps. Like Rayvin says, that's the way the world is going, so resisting it is like holding onto your Nokia3210 because you 'just need a phone that calls and texts'.

Had my booster. No side effects. I'm a golden god.

Pancake and Slaphead? That's what I call your Mrs' tits. Cos one looks like a beagle ear and the other like Grant Mitchell.

Not significantly.

Like Gemmil says, Eddie's a little lower than Steve, but had less time and mitigating circumstances. Manager Season Pos Team M W D L G GA PTS xG xGA xPTS xGpG xGApG xPtpG Bruce 19/20 13 Newcastle 38 11 11 16 38 58 44 36.49 67.03 31.92 0.96 1.76 0.84 Bruce 20/21 12 Newcastle 38 12 9 17 46 62 45 43.96 60.02 42.65 1.16 1.58 1.12 Bruce 21/22 19 Newcastle 8 0 3 5 10 19 3 9.33 15.47 6.77 1.17 1.93 0.85 Howe 21/22 15 Newcastle 6 1 3 2 6 10 6 5.62 9.79 5.8 0.94 1.63 0.97

You saying my wife's got nee chebs? I'll fuckin' deck ya.

I think it's pretty obvious I'm nowhere near as clued up on music as some of you lot, but despite that I was totally engrossed by this. Not to get to poetical, but seeing familiar things emerge from what sounds/looks like a mess was something beautiful. I mean, it's no giant CGI monster getting twatted off a high rise by a woman in spandex, but still... it was beautiful.

I couldn't make out, was he just mumbling "hummamummanumma"-ing until the words came to him? Or was he actually singing words?

Burnley and Everton going down with Norwich would be very funny.

Yep. If all he's going to do is have a few poor quality shots of a player's car driving off into the distance, he'll sharp be forgotten.

You're 19 until you're 20, that's how it works.

True Geordie's route. Not my cup of tea, but you can't begrudge him his success.

Watched the first hour or so last night. Every time they were on screen I wanted to Crane-Kick Yoko Ono in the face, the buchiach.

Honestly, my first thought was that this kid is going to get an avalanche of shit online (and maybe in person) and that could really affect his mental health.

My mum genuinely has a 'letter' I wrote to her because she grounded me and forbid me from taking part in the school play/nativity/talent show. Can't remember the crime, but clearly I felt the punishment was over the top. I think I asked why she hated me and told her she was 'ruining my life'. Quiff and CT would be proud of the flounce.

My mam still has shit like that in a box. Whenever we visit she asks if I want it, I say no, so she puts it away again. Doesn't throw it out, just keeps it. Like in 5 months time I'm going to have a change of heart and desperately want that shit poem I wrote in year 5...

One thing Mrs Fish is insistent on. I can have the odd bit of NUFC stuff in the basement, but anything comic related is verboten. I mean, I'm not one for life size IronMan suits, but c'mon, I could get a little wall space for this, right?

Wrong cartoon, I heard it was Splinter.

That's the thing though, he kept you up at our expense and that's enough for deification on Wearside. If Di Canio had fucked off soon after keeping you up, he'd be similarly canonised. I saw people on RTG insisting Allardyce wasn't a long ball merchant, that his Sunderland team played entertaining football. But objectively the bloke's made a career out of turning any squad into an anti-football brigade of lummoxes. He was found out at Newcastle, West Ham, and Everton.

You were too busy down Games Workshop with your army of Orcs and goblins.

My masturbatorium isn't at the end of the garden man.

The shoppers of Newcastle will just have to do without my cherubic tuchus, then.

Sheds aren't cheap and look like a right bitch to build. Anyone know where I can find cheap ones that are brilliant, sturdy and easy to put together?