The Fish

Clark, I can kind of understand. He gets money for nothing and he's already towards the end of his career (32). But Lewis (24) makes no sense to me. A) given our injuries at the back he should be in the squad instead of someone like Mark Gillespie (how many fucking 'keepers do we need?) 2) he was showing signs of improvement under Howe and is surely a better bet at LB than Ritchie? iii) go out on loan and get your mojo back, or play for a move at least.

So's Finley Quaye

Lets just concentrate on the domestic goals, because I'm not sure banging 4 past St Joseph's FC from Gibraltar is the measure of a good striker. Morelos isn't standing out like a tremendous prospect or owt. He's playing for one of the two top teams in the Scottish league and he's getting doubles figures. Wood has played for one of the most agricultural teams in the Premier League and is getting double figures. I'm not saying the Antipodean Colossus is a top striker, but he's less of a gamble than Morelos. Mitro could carry on his flat track-bully form into the Prem and score 9-10 goals in the second half of the season, or he could have been sent off on his return and fail to settle. Plus he'd cost 50% more than Wood did. You're massively underestimating the cost of Brereton Diaz. West Ham were quoted £28.5m, we'd be quoted more. And there's no guarantee he's able to make the step up. Wood is a proven, if uninspiring, Premier League striker. He's not a liability like Morelos and Mitro, either. In short, no, you're wrong.

How pasty are Gerard's legs man. He's Hollywood and on holiday/filming in Arabia, shouldn't he be tanned head-to-toe?

Neither of these are true in the slightest.

Morelos from Rangers? No ta, he's got a similar goal return to Wood, but is playing in a farmers League. Mitro is a Psychopath AND would have cost north of £30m given he's leading a title push Brereton Diaz was quoted around the £28m mark, so add the Newcastle tax, you're talking £38m for a fucking meme. What Mickey Mouse club would spend 4x the worth of a player because he's got an amusing story, or a catchy song? Wood is a bang average Premier League striker who won't even be first choice when Wilson returns to fitness. But if he helps us get to safety, he's worth the £25m pocket change we just fished out the sofa.

He was infuriated that Premier League players couldn't match his exacting standards, imagine what he'd be like when Ian Lastnamehere misses from a yard out, or Gary Whatshischops spoons a 5yd pass into the Wear? Every season they're around the promotion candidates and then, as the season draws to an end, the League One squad buckles under the weight of Premier League expectation and can't get over the line and the fans turn feral, but we've got unrealistic expectations. The boss sees a few bad results and a streak of bad form and the fans literally offer the manager out and yet we're fickle. They think that Roy Keane, or Sewpa Kev is the answer to their managerial woes, but we're living in the past.... Fucking hell, they think that 40yr old Jermaine Defoe will fire them to promotion this season, but we are more bothered about a famous name, than what's best for the club.

Thing is we haven't overestimated his worth to the tune of £25m. We've seen a striker, who is available from a relegation rival, at a price we can afford, with a clause that the move would be expedited. If your house is on fire, and someone is selling a hose for £100 and you can afford it, you buy the fucking hose.

Have to take a lot of noise after a player leaves with a pinch of salt.

That may have been the case this window, but I think in the summer we'll not have the same stink of an American holidaymaker about us. We'll obviously have to pay a Newcastle tax, but away from the Wood purchase, I don't think we've spent above and beyond on any of our January buys. Burn for £15m, Targett on loan, Trippier for £15m, and one of the most highly rated young midfielders on the planet for £30m? That's not largesse, that's measured.

They got Digne

I also think having 3 new defenders + a midfielder who is comfortable on the ball will help reduce the number of individual errors that've cost us dearly this season. Would have loved another CB so that Lascelles was bumped out the starting 11, but we are where we are. Trippier is a huge upgrade on all of our rightbacks, Burn is an upgrade on our CBs (and our first CB bought since Fernandez in 2018!) and Targett... well, I dunno enough about him but he's got to be better than playing Ritchie or Manquillo out of position. Shame about Lewis, I think he was showing signs of improvement under Howe.

ASM, Willock and Joelinton will benefit most from Bruno, I reckon. First two because they'll have balls to run onto that don't need them to challenge in the air or collect it by the corner flag. Joe because there'll be someone in the centre he can exchange passes and Kibe recipes with.

I miss Wolfy.

I know nothing

Guimaraes will change the way we attack mate. The range, variety and quality of passes from him will allow players like ASM, Fraser, Wilson, Willock, and even big Joe to play further up the pitch and in greater space. His ability to control the attack under pressure will be vital. Jonjo drops deep to enjoy the space he needs to ping a 60yd ball. Bruno can glide past a couple of players to open up space for himself in the middle. I'm not hugely worried about chance creation now, still have concerns about someone getting on the end of the them. Wood is a battering ram, but Guimaraes is more about through balls and finding runners. We have options now through. Deliveries from Trippier, Fraser and maybe Targett (I'm not sure about him) can be gobbled up by Wood. Through balls can be gambled on by ASM, Almiron, Fraser, Willock and Wilson when he returns.

Cheaper than Joelinton?

Tell you what, if we can get a Burn, Bakker, and a striker, this has been an excellent window. If it's just (just) Trippier, Wood and Guimaraes then it's still a good one.

He's on RTG - Nukehasslefan

Married, bought a house in Cheshire (Dahhhhling), have a little'un, changed jobs a few times, relocated hair from head to chin.

It's what he would have wanted.

I'd be very happy with that window. Burn, Bakker and Trippier addresses our weak back line and Bruno elevates our midfield massively, Wood is decent squad filler. for what it's worth, I don't think we're done signing strikers, so if we were to get all of them, plus Zapata, or Nunez, I'd be throwing my cock all over the place.

this will now never not be funny.

How'd you get their set list?