The Fish

*Curb your Enthusiasm music plays*

Reported! I do not understand your understanding of football at all. For fucking ages you've been convinced we'd go down. Losing every game, while those below us would go on an unprecedented run of wins. But now, here you are predicting the hitherto doomed Newcastle United will smash 4 past Crystal Palace. Newcastle who've only scored >2 twice, and Palace who've only conceded 4 in the last 8 games. I just don't understand.

Aye, I have to admit I was writing Krafth off, but he's been canny the last few games to be honest. Still think he's not got a long term future at the club, but like so many players the difference between his performances coached and not-coached is stark. This was a defence that was commonly labelled Championship by loads of people (me included, I think). Since the window closed we've conceded 1.09 goals per game, which is only bettered by Chelsea, Liverpool, Man City and Crystal Palace. We've got 2pts per game, bettered only by Chelsea, Liverpool and Man City. We're 8th for Goals Scored per game (1.36) and that's without our best striker and without our biggest attacking threat for much of the period.

"Jacob's been shot" Aye, and who fucking shot Jacob? Americans man.

I'm a busy man. I soar over most of these threads like an eagle, I'm only wasting my altitude if it's worth my time. Which this wasn't.

What? With his little arms?

Also, the mistake he (and those rushing to say what a wonderful idea this is) made is confusing 'free speech' with "Saying whatever vile bullshit I like without consequence". They don't really want Twitter, they want Parler and Gettr to be successful, which they won't be. They want 'free speech' to be for people who think and talk and look and vote like them.

I couldn't care less if there are ex-players and managers out there who're now trying to find some coat tail to grab on to. Let 'em, I don't care. I'm sure Man City, Liverpool and the rest have all seen players wheeled out whose link to, or time with the club was janky at best. I'm more bothered about the rewriting of Pardew's history. It wasn't inexplicable, our dislike of him. Us being 9th on his final game was irrelevant. It was the awful football, the smarmy attitude, the excuses and criticisms and, yes, cosying up to Ashley. He praises the fans with one breath then shows a total misunderstanding of us in the next. I'm sure Bruce will, at some point in the future, turn up in the Sky Sports studios as a pundit for our game against Man Utd. "Ah well, y'know, great fans, nothing but positive to me on the streets, wish them well, but that should have been a penalty to United and Giggseh will need them to dust themselves down and roll up their sleeves"

I don't think he should win Manager of the Year, but if we were to rank the PL manager's performances, he must be top 5, right? Klopp and Guardiola are both in with a shout of a season of multiple trophies. But they've had years and millions to make it happen. Moyes has turned West Ham from a bit of a joke into a serious top half team, who could win a European title. But he built upon the work he did last season. Vieira and Frank have quietly done very well at Palace and Brentford respectively. But both are bottom half and could be overtaken by Eddie Howe's beautiful black and white bastards. Howe has worked wonders with a team that was among the favourites for the drop, no win in 12, disjointed, disorganised, unfit, unmotivated collection of individuals. They're now a squad that's within a shout of top half, is well-drilled, fit, driven and enjoying themselves. 1.45PpG, 40% Win percentage. Get that over 38 games and in an average PL season it'd get you 8th.

That's great news mate, what's his name?

True enough. I'm trying not to get too ahead of myself when it comes to predicting where we'll end up. Sure we've got a decent manager, some good players and a decent opportunity to spunk some wonga. BUT we're criminally short up front, have little depth outside the first 11, and a bottom half defence on the whole. We're not going to address all those weaknesses in the next window or two. So, I reckon, a reasonable bet would be safely nestled in the beige bosom of midtable early enough to pop on some flip flops and enjoy pressing them down on the throat of whichever team gets promoted until the struggling stops. I think Frank might survive a few games into next season, but if he continues to have a PpG of under 1, he'll be binned off sharpish. They cannot afford another season of struggling against relegation. What I come back to is this; Everton are a bigger threat to us than Fulham, Bournemouth or whoever comes up through the play offs. So if they go down, and Burnley stay up, that's better than the other way around.

All fair points and I guess it's gradations of the same argument. Everton aren't great, they're in financial trouble, they need coaching and short, medium and long term strategies to be drawn up and followed. I think they'll still be somewhere in midtable, and I think that's where we'll be aiming. If Newcastle go off and sign Bruno-level players for a few key positions and continue the improvement then yeah, sure, we could and maybe should be targeting top half. But realistically, not every transfer will be a hit, we still lack quality in defence, midfield and up front. We're a ways behind the other midtable clubs in terms of strength in depth. With Everton, I genuinely think Benitez would have had them grinding out results to have them comfortably further up the table. I think they could attract a standard of manager like Potter, or Hassenhutl (not necessarily them) and that level of manager would get their team playing more effective football than Lampard is. If they do sell Richarlison and DCL, that could be close to what, £90-100m? I dunno, I think if they go down, they're fucked. Stay up and a decent manager will right the ship.

I get it. I just think we're swapping what we'd like to happen, with what is likely to happen.

Jermain Defoe isn't it? Oh....

I think they've lurched from one style to another, they've mismanaged their finances, and haven't perhaps reacted the right way to challenges from other PL teams. However, if they keep Richarlison, DCL, and take advantage of the consistent flow of talent from their academy and so on. Get the right manager in and they could easily finish between 9th and 12th. An area that we will surely be targeting next season? Lampard has only won 3 league games, losing the other 7. In that time they've scored 9, conceding 17. They've lost all their away games in the league and shipped an average of 3 goals in each. I don't think his job is half as safe as some of you do.

When we were criticising Ashley for his neglect of the academy, we were told that we were still producing talent at a decent rate and shouldn't complain. Now that he's gone they've stuck the jalopy in reverse.

He also says we've scored something like 15 goals since Watford, 'Only 9 of them from open play'. Now, my maths might not be great but 9/15 is a pretty significant majority. And for a team plugging away at the tail end of the Premier League, that's not bad at all.

You think? I reckon they'll bin Lampard off at the end of the season. I dunno, I think if they find a good manager, they'll be much better than this season. They've enough quality and a reliable academy.

I bet you're thinking about it though. Aren't you. You're imagining a sweaty hand on top of your head firmly pushing you insistently towards that wrinkled mole rat.

Scans with how every other kid was ruining their nose in their 20s. YOU MASSIVE FUCKING NEEERRRRRDDD!!

That's fair. I guess the way I look at it is this; Everton out of the league strengthens us more comparatively than £10m in the bank. PLUS Everton fans need a season or two in the 2nd tier to realign their expectations.

Hard to talk with his cock in your mouth.

Comedy Dave doesn't seem so bad after all, now does he?

Well, why don't you just marry him if you love him so much?