ohhh_yeah

what a beautiful match...

i am already tired of today and it just started for me... soccerlens... Premier League punish Newcastle United with 20 point penalty The Premier League have slapped a 20 point penalty on Newcastle United, condemning them to certain relegation this season. The huge penalty leaves Newcastle United with a paltry 15 points in the season, ahead of Derby but well behind the likes of Bolton, Fulham and Birmingham, and with 6 games to go, Newcastle look certain to be sucked into and destroyed by the cruel vortex that is the relegation battle. The reasons for this penalty are not clear - insider sources have claimed that it has to do with financial irregularities in Mike Ashley’s takeover, although the Premier League itself has maintained a different tune all along. Richard Scudamore: It is with great sorrow that we have decided to penalise Newcastle United - I want to assure all Geordie fans that this is in their best interests, and in the best interests of their club. I love Newcastle, but I cannot bear the weight of false expectations and neither should the fans. Even the Queen called me up last month, asking me to look at the Newcastle situation and figure out a solution. After lengthy discussions with my psychologist and also the chairmen of financially responsible clubs like Leeds, Chelsea, Sunderland and Manchester United, we have decided that the best way for Newcastle United to actually live up to the expectations of their fans is to bring down those expectations to way, way, way below the minimum. Hence we have penalised Newcastle with a 20 point penalty, with a view that they will get relegated this season. If the situation does not improve next year with the fans, I have instructed the Football League to impose a further 50-point penalty on Newcastle to send them to League One. We will keep relegating Newcastle until their fans learn their lesson - that their club is nowhere near as good as they think, and neither is their manager. Shocking, I know. Of course, knowing Geordies, they will probably just get Shearer on-board and come right back up to the Premier League, go on a dream run, then throw away a 12 point lead and fail miserably. But at least they’ll have the satisfaction of winning a couple of league titles, even if it’s just in the Football League.

goal.com thinks they are funny... Maldini 'Considering Newcastle Move' AC Milan veteran Paolo Maldini has revealed he's mulling over whether to join English outfit Newcastle United in the summer after the Magpies made him an offer. The 39-year-old defender has spent his entire career with the Rossoneri, but having said he would retire at the end of this season appears to be having second thoughts. Wholesale changes are expected at Milan over the summer, however, with last weekend's 2-1 home defeat to Atalanta the final straw, and Maldini has been told he won't be appearing for the club next season no matter who the coach is. Milan want to move towards more youthful players and it appears Maldini is willing to abandon his status as a one-club man in order to keep playing for another season. Reports surfaced on Monday that Newcastle United had made the five-time European Cup winner an offer for next season, with boss Kevin Keegan feeling Maldini's experience could help sure up things in the Magpies' defence. "It's true that Newcastle have been in touch," confirmed Maldini yesterday. "It's certainly an interesting offer and one I won't rule out just yet. "My only regret in my career is that I've never had the chance to play abroad and this would be a terrific opportunity to play in the Premier League for a massive club" added the defender, who admits to being extremely impressed by Newcastle's run in last season's Intertoto Cup. April Fool, Goal.com

Duff heading for summer exit as Newcastle eye Reyes Friday March 28 2008 Duff has endured a torrid time since making the move from Chelsea in 2006. DAMIEN DUFF could be on the way out of Newcastle United in the summer if the Magpies are successful in landing Atletico Madrid striker Jose Antonio Reyes. Reports from Spain yesterday indicated that Newcastle are hot on the trail of the former Arsenal man and see him as a replacement in their attacking ranks for Duff who has failed to sparkle at St James' Park. The Irish star has been dropped by Kevin Keegan and has failed to even make the bench for their last two league encounters. Despite accommodating him since his comeback, Keegan admits that Duff was performing below his best. "I wanted to put a team out that had a goal threat in it," said the Newcastle boss in explaining his decision. The Ballyboden native has endured a torrid time since making the move from Chelsea in 2006.

a porno star...

one of our local legends is featured in the magazine and i am to anxious to wait for it to come out in the states. his name is Jim Serrill and he goes by the name of Timber Jim. can any of you help me out...

i do not remember seeing this posted... Joey Barton “I’ve made mistakes, but I’ve dealt with them. I’ll tell you one thing I am proud of; when I’m finished I’ll be able to look back at my career and know that I was never this media-hyped ponce who was manufactured. The thing people can relate to with me is I’ve always done it my way, even if it might have been the wrong way… I don’t regret a single thing because it’s made me the person I am.” The common perception is that Joey Barton is a thug, the worst example of Premiership excess. Stuart Pearce once said he was guilty of crossing the line from mischief to nastiness, a sentiment echoed by the cab driver, a Newcastle fan, who drives FourFourTwo to meet Barton at an industrial estate in Northumberland. The player himself has admitted: “They were right to call me a thug in the papers.” But it’s hard to believe this is the same person sat here today, drinking a cup of tea. Whatever his misdemeanors, however they’ve influenced his standing as a footballer, this Joey Barton seems personable and unaffected, his words thoughtful and articulate. It’s classic Jekyll and Hyde stuff. He leafs through the morning’s newspaper, which accurately quotes him as saying he isn’t bothered about playing for England again, but as we talk it becomes clear this isn’t the case at all. Impetuous he may be, but Barton’s directness and honesty are refreshing antidotes to the evasive blandness that infects so many of his peers. It’s reminiscent of a young Roy Keane. Barton grew up in Huyton on the outskirts of Liverpool, which sits within the third most deprived area in Britain. Mostly built in the 1970s for those relocated by Liverpool’s slum clearance, it swiftly began to decay after with the closure of several factories. While there remains a strong sense of community, a bleak disillusionment has taken root. Schools are failing, drugs and crime are omnipresent, one in four young men are unemployed. Knowsley, the borough which includes Huyton, has just been named in the top 10 worst areas to live in the country. Barton’s family have not gone unaffected. When Barton was younger, his Uncle Joe his was murdered. Just two years ago another uncle, Edward Rogers, survived an attack that left him unconscious and in a pool of blood in a Huyton betting shop. His younger brother Michael, who he had grown up separately from since he was 14, is currently serving an 18-year sentence for murder, and in August this year two of his cousins were charged with stabbing a man to death in Huyton. But despite the brooding sense of resentment and disenfranchisement around him, Barton used football to plot his way out. How did growing up in Huyton shape you? It’s a tough area, so you had to have a bit of aggression to survive. You can see that in the footballers it has produced, the likes of Peter Reid, Tony Hibbert and Stevie Gerrard. If you didn’t have that steeliness in your game any ability would have been bullied out of you. You had to stand up for yourself and fight. We played as often as we could, making goals out of wood or scaffolding, and our parents didn’t have to worry because we were always on that field. What were the worst scrapes you got in to? We got into a few, but it was mostly petty. The worst was throwing mud at buses, because we were always on fields playing football. The estate where I’m from was at the end of the bus route from Liverpool city centre, so over time, we got to know which bus drivers would give you the best chase. How did you avoid crime? I had a good upbringing. When I was 14 my mum and dad split up, which forced me to move off the St John’s estate. I went with my Dad, who I was close to, to live at my Nan’s, who was about a mile from there. It weaned me off life on the estate. When your parents first split up, your world crashes down around you, because they’re the centre of your life, but when I look back now it was a blessing in disguise. I know that sounds selfish, but if I’d stayed on the estate, I could have got caught up in more trouble. I left at 14, when your life is about football, but a few years later it becomes more about girls and drinking and hanging around the streets. What influence did your grandmother have on you? Before there was a gang of us, and we were like a bunch of stray dogs, and whenever there was a game, we were there. But when I moved in with me Nan, it was the first time in my life when I had to be in for my tea, and I wasn’t allowed to play football all day. She was a lot more disciplined. I had to tell her where I was going to be at all times. What’s happened to the lads you left behind on the estate? A lot of them have gone the other way; up to no good. I sometimes think I could have ended up like that. I know a lot of people who have got into serious trouble and gone to prison, sadly it’s an everyday thing where I’m from. I know lads whose lives spiralled out of control. I see some of them now, and it’s sad, they’re still doing the same things they were doing when they were 16. They don’t have much of a life. When I drive home, it shocks me that you never see kids playing football in the streets, it scares me to think what they’re up to now. Could any of them have become footballers? A couple were definitely better than me, one particularly, who is in jail now, for burglary I think. He was on Liverpool’s books as a kid. What a waste. How did it feel to be rejected by Everton at 14? It was really tough, horrible, but there was a scout at Everton, Barry Pointin, who had gone to City, and when Everton released me he phoned me that same night. I was gutted for about an hour and then I got the phone call. But I was still disappointed to be deemed a failure and rejected by the club I’d supported as a boy. I hated that feeling. Driven by rejection, Barton made his way through the ranks at City before making his first-team debut aged 20. He was establishing himself as a promising player when he was involved in the first of several incidents that would scar his reputation. In December 2004, at City’s Christmas party, Barton was involved in a fight with an 18-year-old youth player, James Tandy. Barton, who was dressed as Jimmy Saville, had been burning some of his team-mates on the arm with a cigar. Tandy responded by trying to burn Barton’s shirt with a cigarette lighter, before Barton jabbed the cigar in his face. A fight broke out and Barton was struck with a bottle. After an internal investigation, Barton was fined a record six weeks’ wages and warned by Kevin Keegan about his future behaviour. Barton’s antics didn’t help his already uneasy relationship with the manager. “It was definitely a rocky ride,” admits Barton, “but the older I get the more I appreciate him. When I was younger, managers felt like teachers, it’s a bit of a love-hate relationship. I was just very headstrong, very stubborn, I thought he didn’t really believe in me. It was Arthur Cox and Asa Harford who pushed my case. I got the feeling that Keegan was only playing me because he valued their opinions. I thought he was waiting for me to fail, so he could say he was right.” Though a poor run of results eventually prompted Keegan’s resignation in March 2005, Barton continued to excel, his form inspiring City to an eighth-place finish under new manager Stuart Pearce. But more controversy was just around the corner. On City’s pre-season tour to Thailand, his temper betrayed him again. He was having an amicable conversation with a 15-year-old Everton fan, who then goaded and kicked him in the shin, provoking Barton to hit out. Club captain Richard Dunne attempted to separate the pair, and became involved in a fight with Barton himself. When they were eventually separated, witnesses recall Dunne, with tears in his eyes, kicking the wall in anger and shouting, “Why is this happening, Joey, why?” It was a question Barton had to answer quickly. How do you reflect upon the incidents at the Christmas party and in Thailand? With disappointment. I let myself down, it was just plain stupidity. So why did they happen? People say I’ve got this temper, and I suppose I have, but if you think about what happened in Thailand, I had a bit of a scrap in a bar, what kid hasn’t done that? It happens all the time, you go out for a drink with your mates or colleagues and act stupid. I was 22, and didn’t know any better. I was playing in the Premier League, I had money in my pocket, people recognised me wherever I went, I could pull birds a lot easier than ever before… it went to my head, I got carried away. You think you’re invincible and can do what you want. Why the rage, though? It was just the drink. I thought I could handle my alcohol, but I had one too many and quickly realised I couldn’t. Drink was the common denominator on both those occasions, apart from me. I didn’t have a leg to stand on, so I had to address why they happened. When I look back, they shaped me more as a person than when things have gone well. Are you teetotal now? No, but after the incident in Thailand I stopped drinking for 18 months. As a young lad, I had bad examples to look up to, great lads, but not the best professionals. You can’t go to the pub after the game on Saturday, you have to be an athlete. There’s a time and a place for drinking, and I like nothing better than going away on holiday with my partner and having a couple of glasses of wine. Barton was sent home from Thailand in disgrace. Back in Manchester, he was trying to sleep off his jetlag when he received a call to say his brother Michael had been involved in “something horrific”: he was on the run for the murder of Anthony Walker. Still fearful for his own future, Barton went on television to make an appeal for his brother to return. He slowly shakes his head at the memory. At this point, Barton asked for help. For the first time, he wanted to talk openly about his problems, so he booked himself into the Sporting Chance clinic that Tony Adams had helped to set up in Hampshire. Barton was reluctant at first, fearful of being delivered into a scene from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. The first time he spoke to Sporting Chance on the phone, he told them: “I’m not mad, you know.” But three days there would ultimately save his career. How would you describe this period of your life? With everything that had happened, it felt like rock bottom. It was the worst I had ever felt, I was so low. It was a very scary time. For some reason though, I managed to play really good football during it, and that gives you an inner strength. And at this time Stuart Pearce advised you to seek counselling… No, it wasn’ t him, everyone thinks that, but it wasn’t. It was City’s chairman at the time, John Wardle, a great man. He’s the reason I stayed at City a season longer than I wanted to. But the truth is if I wasn’t good at my job, they wouldn’t have helped me. I’ve seen young kids get caught up in stupid things, and the club use it as an excuse to release them. City were trying to make out they did me a favour, but if it wasn’t for the money I was worth, they would have sacked me. To be fair to John, he said as much. You don’t want bullshit. The truth might hurt, but it’s only thing that gets you through it. How did your time at Sporting Chance help you? It was a life-changing experience. I learned that asking for help doesn’t make you weak and walking away from trouble doesn’t make you a coward. That was the best thing I’ve ever done. It has given me a totally different outlook on why things happen. That doesn’t mean I won’t make mistakes, because since then I have. But I have a different thought process and way of handling things now. I still can be hot-headed, that makes me the person and the player I am, but it’s more under control now. I know how to get myself out of tricky situations, which before I didn’t see coming, I would just be in the middle of it. Now I can see a difficult situation because of my past mistakes, I know that I’ve been here before and I got in trouble because of it, so I back away. The turmoil in Barton’s life has blurred the fact that he is a fine midfielder. Energetic, industrious and talismanic, with an eye for a pass, a goal and a tackle – the latter earning him several bookings and the odd red card – Barton’s club performances won him an England cap, awarded to him as a sub against Spain in February by Steve McClaren, who once tried to buy him for Middlesbrough. Despite Barton’s form, though, City were lurking dangerously close to the relegation zone, prompting Barton to hit out at “substandard” signings. This, in turn, prompted Pearce to ban Barton from talking to the press. With survival secured, City then suspended Barton for the last two games of the Premiership season after a training ground incident in which he was accused of assaulting team-mate Ousmane Dabo (he’s due to stand trial at Manchester Crown Court on November 22). Barton’s future clearly lay elsewhere and in July he joined Sam Allardyce’s Newcastle revolution for £5.8m. Within days, Thaksin Shinawatra had arrived at City and with him Sven-Göran Eriksson and a host of top-quality players. Why did you leave Manchester City? I’d been there nine years and thought I was going stale. I wasn’t enjoying training any more. I would get up in the morning and think, ‘Oh God, I’ve got to go in there again.’ I felt like I was banging my head against the wall. There were a lot of committed players there, but not everyone was doing it week in week out. I spoke to [City chief executive] Alistair Mackintosh and he wanted me to see who became the manager, but my mind was made up. How do you look back at your relationship with Stuart Pearce? There were a few things I disagreed with him over, but I don’t want to get into a war of words because I have a lot of respect for him. Eventually it went a bit sour, but that doesn’t take away from the person that he is. I wish him all the best, he did a lot for me. I couldn’t sit here and have a go at him. He’s got the England Under-21 job, which suits him, because he is passionate, and he can breed the next batch of England players. Do you have any regrets at missing being a part of City’s revival? Everyone says I must be gutted now City are doing well, but I really am not. You don’t spend nine years somewhere and all of a sudden hate them with a passion and want them to fail. What appealed to you about joining Newcastle? I wanted to work with Sam Allardyce. He’s a good man-manager, he deals with you as a man first and a footballer second. He’s on your side and treats you with respect and like an adult. He knows you know the difference between right and wrong, so he isn’t a school teacher. I’ve come to work with him because he can take me from being on the edge of the England squad to being an England regular. And yet you’ve said you’re not bothered if you play for England again? No one is more patriotic than me and I would love to play for England all the time. And if I play to the level I think I’m capable of then they can’t ignore me. You haven’t seen the last of me in an England shirt. I‘ve got a lot to offer, but if that isn’t used I will remain an England international and I have got one cap to cherish. Sometimes I look at it and think ‘How did I get this? A snotty-nosed kid from a council estate in Liverpool…’ It makes me proud to think I won that, and I want some more to put alongside it. How do you see your future with England? I want to be part of the squad that goes to Euro 2008. If I can get to the level I know I’m capable of, then there aren’t many midfielders in the country, barring Gareth Barry, Frank Lampard and Stevie Gerrard, who can compete with me. There will be opportunities, because players get injuries. Look at Gareth, he’s really taken his chance. All I need is a chance as well. I felt that I did more than enough in that 12 minutes against Spain to show I can play international football. I more than held my own against Xavi, Iniesta and Albelda, who play regularly in the Champions League. If I can do that, and they are the so-called best footballers in the world, then I want to do it again and again. How did you find the experience of being an international player? The night before the first training session I remember sitting in my hotel room at the Lowry in Manchester and I was so nervous. I was thinking, “Can I handle this? Am I going to get found out?” I was absolutely shitting myself. But I felt I did more in 12 minutes against Spain than some others did in a longer period of time. How were you welcomed in to the England camp so soon after criticising several players for publishing books after the World Cup? It was turned into a big deal that I had said something about Frank and Stevie when I’d never actually mentioned them. If anything I was pointing the finger at other people, who are in positions where I’m thinking, ‘How can you talk about football?’ When I joined the camp, Stevie was brilliant with me. I made a point of going up to both of them and explaining exactly what I’d said and, to my face, both of them understood and were different class. Obviously, a couple of weeks later I read an article that said Lampard had gone to Steve McClaren and said something about me, which I doubt very much, because of the professional [Frank] is. But if it was the case, it is quite sad because if he had anything about him as a man, which I think he has, he would have said something to me at the time, and he never did. He told me his opinion, I explained my situation, and we got on fine from there. Looking back, the press wanted to have a go at Lamps, and I gave them a bit of ammunition, and they put words in places where they weren’t. A year ago you said: “I'm still a million miles from where I want to be as a player and as a person, but I'm trying to improve every day.” How close are you now? Probably about 999,000 miles away from where I want to be! You always get to a level and want to push on. I want to achieve in life. It’s an exciting time for me, I’m at a new club with a manager I believe can get a lot more out of me. The future’s bright for Joey Barton.

but then there is this... Pulis will continue his search for fresh firepower after revealing: "On Thursday I thought we had done a deal, but unfortunately that's fallen through." http://www.whydelilah.co.uk/news/Ref-hits-back65410752.aspx

http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/ee283/erndogz/294lzys.gif

actually no... that lady who dessed up as a duck? was over 40... and there was many others, i guess they like to stand in the back of group photos...

my easter was spent battling the wind, the cold, and the rain... 150 or so folks from portland dressed up as bunnies and all rode their bikes to meet up in downtown portland... (that is PORTLAND, OREGON stevie... ) yes those are peeps i know those damn crazy yanks...

and here is another...

yank! the title of the google news alert i received about the article was "the keeg"... not my nickname for the man...

One-On-One Your questions answered by footy’s biggest legends! from 4-4-2 Kevin Keegan You were rejected as a youth by Doncaster for being too small. What would you be doing today if you hadn’t been picked up by Scunthorpe? Glenn Poore, Dartford I’d be making taps. I know that because I took a job at Pegler before I got signed up to play football. You know when you go into a public toilet and push down the taps, and a bit of water comes out, and just as you put your hands underneath, the water stops? We made those taps. So I’d have been tap dancing. When and where were you happiest? Mike Clarke, Waterloo, Liverpool Everywhere! Liverpool: wow. Hamburg: fantastic. Newcastle to finish my career: unbelievable. Southampton was exhilarating, because we were a load of old guys coming to the end of our careers, and still beating people. Great fun! Scunthorpe was great, too. You look back on your schooldays as the happiest days of your life, and they probably were. I’ve been happy everywhere. I heard a story about you and Tommy Smith arguing about a pair of white boots at Anfield. Can you enlighten us? Ian McDougall, Glasgow I got offered white boots by Hummel for quite a lot of money, and I asked Tommy what he thought because I respected him – he was like a father figure. Hardly anyone wore them in those days and he said I’d look like a prat. Alan Ball was wearing them, but Tommy said they looked OK with white socks but daft with red ones. Then a week or two later, Tommy was wearing the same boots! He said to me “I can’t turn down that money at my age. They’ll all come knocking at your door, Kevin – Adidas, Puma, Gola – but I need to take this offer.” In the end his white boots ended up a bit red. I was never sure if he dyed them, or whether it was blood… Who’s the best player you played with and against? Olly, via email Cruyff was the best player I played with. He was the cleverest player ever. When he was playing well he would run the show, and when he wasn’t playing well – which was rare – he would stick to the mundane things and work for the team. He could be a soldier and he could be a general. He had no ego, and that’s a sign of greatness to me. The best players I ever faced? I’d put Pele and Maradona in there together. I played against Pele when he was 38 and Maradona when he was 17. Pele would have the edge in life, because he’s handled himself so well. In 1977 you could have moved to any club in the world. Why Germany, and why Hamburg? Mike Shepherd, Colchester I’d dispute that I could have moved to any club in the world. In 1977 there were no English players abroad and they weren’t perceived as a good investment. Only John Charles had done really well. Hamburg was the only offer I got, and that’s where I went. They phoned me up. I said I wanted to leave Liverpool. I felt I was stagnating there, even though I loved the club, the fans and the players. I needed a change, I’m not a character who stays at one club for all his life. Hamburg offered me four times the salary that I was on, which was incredible. So financially it was right, and my wife spoke German, which was a great start. I thought, that’s the challenge I want. Footballers today would never get involved in something daft like Superstars. Do you think some of the fun has been sucked out of the game? Ralph, Ilminster I think footballers would love to get involved if they were allowed to! I’m sure what happened to me [Keegan fell off his bike on the show and spent four days in hospital] changed the way people looked at it. Someone probably should have been sued over that. But it was fun. I took on boxers, skiers, table tennis players. It was a fantastic couple of days but the sad thing for me was that I was ill afterwards and missed the final in America. I’d have loved to have gone – I’d have been the first footballer to win one – but my wife wouldn’t let me go. She said: “You nearly killed yourself once, that’s it!” Spain 82 – your header sails wide. As you’re kneeling on the ground, what are you thinking? Snipsy, South London As I headed it, I thought “goal!” because I don’t usually miss from there. In people’s memories it cost us a World Cup. In reality, we were put on with 20 minutes to go and we needed to score two goals to get through. I’d been injured with my back and hadn’t trained. It shows that even if you’re a great header of a football, which I think I was, if your preparation is not 100 percent, you can catch yourself out. Trevor Brooking and I weren’t fit, and we would have needed another goal anyway. I don’t think we’d have won the World Cup if we’d gone through, because we weren’t the strongest side there, but obviously there would have been a chance. When you signed for Newcastle, was the helicopter out of St James' Park your idea? Mike, Manchester It was the club’s idea – not really my style. I think the police were annoyed about it. Words were said afterwards, I’m not sure it was quite legit. It was ruled out happening again so Shearer and Beardsley missed out on the chopper. But it was fantastic symbolically, that great stadium getting smaller and smaller, then gone. It was also the only time I left that ground without signing any autographs. How much did you dislike Alex Ferguson when you did that ‘I'd love it’ outburst? Richard Birch, Birmingham For a day or two I really disliked him. I wouldn’t say we’re close now, but we have talked a lot. I’ve sold players to him, he’s sold players to me, I’ve done charity things for him, he’s done them for me. But if you’re asking me do I love him [laughs]... I totally respect him. He’s managed a huge club for 20 years. I’ve got a terrific record against Alex Ferguson compared with most people, too. It probably isn’t level, but I’ve managed teams that have beaten his teams 5-0, 4-1, 3-1. Two Manchester derbies. So I would say I’ve come out relatively well against him. What’s your greatest memory as Newcastle manager? Lots of people still want to see a Keegan statue up here… Kelly Munro, South Shields Phillippe Albert beating Peter Schmeichel to seal that 5-0 win over Manchester United. If you beat Man United that’s great, if you beat them 5-0 it’s fantastic, and if you’ve just lost a league to them the season before, it’s even better. I shook Alex Ferguson’s hand, but Cantona was the only one that spoke to me. He shook my hand and said: “Fucking great team”. The crowd were really proud of those players because they were cobbled together, really. We didn’t sign top, top players until later on. We were signing players who still had something to prove, the Beresfords and Lees, and fortunately for me, and for Newcastle, they still wanted to achieve things. There are loads of kids in Newcastle with the first name Keegan. Do you feel guilty about that? Keegan Davenport, North Shields Ha ha! There are lots of kids called Keegan, I’ve met many of them. Lots of dogs too. There’s not much you can do about it, although I suppose you don’t have to keep your name if you don’t want to. My first name’s Joseph, but I used my middle name, Kevin.

two interesting photos from matches this week... rooney is a douchebag...

not yet...

I present to you...Gazza 1) One hour after playing for England, met 'showbiz pals' Danny Baker and Chris Evans in a Hampstead pub while still wearing his full kit... boots included. 2) When asked for his nationality before an operation, told the nurse: "Church Of England." 3) On a trip to London, jumped out of his car to demand "a go" on a workman's pneumatic drill. After getting the go-ahead, happily pounded the pavement to the amusement of shoppers. 4) On first meeting with Lazio's president to discuss his big-money move to the Italian club, was quick to tell the esteemed gentleman that he reminded him of Bud Abbot. 5) Organisers of Italia 90 TV coverage had the splendid idea of augmenting team line-ups with film of each player mouthing his own name. Gascoigne's genius led him to subvert the process by, instead, mouthing 'F***ing W***ker'. The BBC had to use it all the way through the tournament. 6) Booked a series of sun-bed sessions for then-Newcastle team-mate Tony Cunningham. Who, of course, is black. 7) Asked by a Norwegian camera crew if he had a message for England's upcoming opponents, immediately responded with, "Yes. F**k off Norway." Then ran off laughing. 8) Turned up for England training the morning after then-manager Bobby Robson had called him "daft as a brush" with a floor brush sticking out of his sock. 9) When asked for a footballing comment while at Lazio, burped enthusiastically into a TV microphone. He was fined £39,000. 10) Decided it would be a great idea to have massive hair extensions. Looked a fool and had them taken out a day later. 11) After paying for ex-wife Sheryl's breasts implants, sent flowers to the hospital after the operation addressed to 'Dolly Parton'. 12) Astounded commuters in London by jumping on a double-decker in London's Piccadilly Circus and asking if he could have a drive. The bus driver said yes, and the passengers thoroughly enjoyed Gazza's impromptu performance. 13) Sent a rose to the Wimbledon dressing room for Vinnie Jones after the infamous ball-squeezing incident. Got a toilet brush in return. 14) Set up best mate Jimmy 'Five Bellies' Gardner with a 'girl' he knew to be a transvestite. 15) Has taken the p*** out of refs constantly during his career. On one occasion he sniffed a hapless ref's armpit while he was holding his hand high to signal a free kick. 16) Undeterred by their frosty reactions, Gazza again tried to prove that refs have a sense of humour by yellow-carding the referee after the official had dropped his card during a Rangers v Hibs game. He was booked for his troubles. 17) While attempting to deflect the 'kebab controversy' which spelled the beginning of the end of his England career, assured reporters that his doner-munching antics following Middlesbrough's promotion to the Premiership would in no way affect his fitness before France 98. One reporter asked: "What do you feel like now?" Back came the inevitable response: "I feel like a kebab with onions." 18) Cool As an apprentice desperate to impress then-Newcastle boss Jack Charlton, spent a week's money on fishing gear and begged the famous angler to give him a lesson. On arrival at the riverbank, Charlton promptly threw all but the rod out into the briny, then poured a bottle of Newcastle Brown into the water, dipped in the rod and within seconds was pulling out a whopper. Lesson over. 19) As 'perk' of boot-cleaning duties during his apprenticeship, took Kevin Keegan's Golas home to show his mates. But left them on the Newcastle Underground. 20) When playing for England against Belgium in Italia 90, ridiculed Enzo Scifo as he lay on the ground clutching his leg. Gazza thought he was play-acting, so did a mime of his own which involved hopping on one leg with his tongue lolling out. 21) His attempt to jet off to Libya with Middlesbrough for a post-season tour was hampered by the fact he'd left his passport at home. An emotional Gazza wept at the check-in desk until a minion was despatched to bring it to the airport. 22) Celebrated his new-found hero status after flying home from Italia 90 by wearing a huge pair of fake plastic boobs and stomach bearing the legend 'Gazza'. 23) On meeting the president of Denmark's FA, pretended he could speak Danish. When invited to demonstrate, imitated The Muppet Show's Swedish Chef. 24) Conned Five Bellies into eating a mince pie after he'd scraped out the filling and replaced it with cat excrement. 25) Walked into the Middlesbrough canteen wearing nothing but his training socks and ordered lunch. 26) Paid £320 for a Mars Bar in a newsagents in his home town of Dunston, then told the shop owner to spend the change on sweets for local kids. 27) Whilst dining in the prestigious Bedford Arms Hotel in Woburn with a few of his Geordie mates, decided to place his erect member on the shoulder of a diner at the next table. Thinking someone had tapped him on the shoulder the gentleman turned his head only to have Gazza's helmet prod him in the cheek. 29) Took a documentary team to a beautiful Scottish cottage which he informed them was his new place, pretended he'd forgotten his key and knocked instead. When the door opened, told the befuddled housewife inside that he was doing a telly advert and wanted to know if she preferred Daz or Omo. 29) Crashed Middlesbrough's team bus at the club's training ground and caused £310,000 worth of damage. 30) While at Rangers, urinated over sleeping team-mate Richard Gough. 31) Handed £1000 over to Jimmy Five Bellies after betting that the burly boozer couldn't withstand a cigarette lighter's heat on the bridge of his nose for five seconds. Jimmy could. Twice. 32) After briefly giving up drinking, was advised to find a new interest. Picked bingo. 33) Bought a £1000 robot and programmed it to travel into Jimmy Five Bellies' room at Gazza Towers and announce: "Make a cup of tea, fat man." 34) Stuck his tongue out when the TV cameras panned past him during the national anthem at Italia 90. 35) Prepared for England matches during that hugely important tournament by playing marathon games of tennis in the scorching midday sun. 36) Thought it would be appropriate to wear a blue fright wig before the 1991 FA Cup Final. 37) In his time, has agreed to dress as a Roman centurion, a clown, Oliver Hardy and Braveheart for 'photo opportunities'. 38) While his Italia 90 team-mate was the hero of Hillsborough, marched into a Sheffield barbers and demanded "a Waddle cut". 39) When Gazza signed for Spurs in 1988, he came down to finalise the deal with a bunch of his Geordie mates. They took over the posh hotel in Hadley Wood where Spurs were footing the bill and wreaked havoc. Gazza met then-chairman Irving Scholar and began talks by saying, "We'd like to thank you for the best three days of our lives." 40) Asked to leave West Lodge Park Hotel in London after guests were treated to the sight of a naked Five Bellies swimming across the duck pond. 41) On his first night in Rome after signing for Lazio, gave his minder the slip, put his shoes by an open window and hid in a cupboard. The minder thought he'd committed suicide. 42) Recorded a video message for a corporate party and signed off with a cheery "Happy Christmas, you f***ing w***ers". 43) Greeted reporters in Rome by standing up, asking for silence, then farting at ear-splitting volume. 44) Told an interviewer that he was so superstitious about the number 13 that he couldn't ever bear to see the numbers 4 and 9 together. Oddly, the combination of 5 and 8 was deemed OK. 45) Shredded England team-mate Dennis Wise's Armani suit "for a laugh". 46) While staying at a Scottish hotel, drove across its golf course in his four-wheel drive Jeep. 47) While reputation preceded him in Italy, the English language did not. Hence, his Lazio debut was marked by a banner which read: 'Gazza's Boys, We Are Here. Shake Your Women And Drink Your Beer'. 49)Conversely, rival Italian supporters once hailed him with a banner which stated bluntly: 'Paul Gazza, You Are Fat Poofta'. 49) After being sent off while playing for Lazio, shook hands with virtually every member of the Genoa side. 50) While staying in a New Zealand hotel, was told there was no bacon for breakfast. Replied, "What, all the sheep in this country and there's no bloody bacon!"

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