Gemmill

They've got the thick manc lass on the BT commentary. Her and the commentator are busy agreeing that it won't be a disaster for either team if they don't win today, even though it clearly would be pretty fucking bad.

I fell for all 8/8ths of it to start off with.

April fool Shirley.

No Haaland for Man City which is a shame. I was hoping for Liverpool to get obliterated. Hopefully they just get humped instead.

He's a proper boring little cunt. I hope we fucking lace them and Tindall cups and scoops a fart right in his face on the full time whistle.

Brains starved of blood flow. I could see that.

I'd join a tag team and take one of them on, but 6 is ridiculous.

Another relaxing win coming up. Wondering whether to just start the threads for the other 11 remaining games today, then knock them all in like a Virgo trick shot.

Write a conversation between a handful of idiots where every interaction is a pun on family relations, such as aunt, uncle, brother, etc. Person 1: Hey guys, what do you call a fake noodle? Person 2: I don't know, what? Person 1: An impasta! Ha ha ha. Person 3: Oh brother, that was terrible. Person 2: Speaking of brothers, did you hear about the one who fell into the upholstery machine? Person 1: No, what happened? Person 2: He's fully recovered. Person 3: Uncle believe you just said that. Person 1: Hey, did you hear about the pregnant bed? Person 2: No, what's that? Person 1: It's a bed that's already made! Person 3: That's not even related to family puns. Person 2: Yeah, you're right. Let's stick to the theme. Did you hear about the uncle who got hit in the head with a soda can? Person 1: No, what happened to him? Person 2: He was lucky it was a soft drink! Person 3: Oh aunt that just hurts my brain. Person 1: Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping at the playground? Person 2: No, what happened? Person 1: They woke up. Person 3: I don't think that has anything to do with family puns either. Person 2: Yeah, you're right. Let's get back to the family puns. Did you hear about the sister who stole a tractor? Person 1: No, what happened to her? Person 2: She got a little too close to her roots. Person 3: That's it, I'm out of here. You guys are just making me cousinstantly cringe NOW FUCK OFF!

Rumour I heard was you tried licking Alan Oliver's arse, but were wide of the mark.

Banned from football. "But I'm literally the DIRECTOR of FOOTBALL. What would you have me direct now?!"

If we end up getting McTominay, I couldn't give a fuck how much we pay for him. It's not coming out my bank account. It fucking better not anyway.

There once was a poet named Meenzer, Whose love for haiku was a real teaser, With strict syllable counts, He'd often announce, "A 5-7-5, or it's a displeaser!"

Meenzer counts each sound, Haiku syllables must be right, Picky with the words. THAT'S what it thinks of your cheek.

Tried to get it to write a haiku about Renton trying to suck himself off but it wouldn't have it. So you'll have to make do with this stirring effort about Bruno instead. Brazilian heart, Bruno Guimaraes takes the field, Victory in sight.

Sad news about O'Grady too. Don't know a lot about the bloke but my lass watches his dog shows and anyone that gives that much of a fuck about dogs is alright by me.

That's a shame. Was she older than us or had she been unwell, do you know Craig?

Toonpack, do you want me to see if I can get you his number?

That's for mackems to get excited about and us to not worry about.

Write a scene from a dystopian near future. Sunderland football club has somehow got promoted back to the Premier League. It is the first game of the season, half time, and they trail 8-0 to their local rivals Newcastle United. Fans gather in the bathroom at half time and find themselves compelled to go to the toilet (number one and number two) in their own pants and then throw the contents at one another. The scene starts off lighthearted but descends into chaos. The air in the cramped bathroom was thick with the stench of urine and feces. Fans of Sunderland Football Club had gathered here at half-time, seeking refuge from the merciless thrashing their team was receiving on the field. They had hoped to commiserate with one another, to find solace in shared misery. But then something strange happened. One fan, overcome by a sudden urge, had dropped his pants and relieved himself right there on the floor. And then another fan had done the same, and then another. Soon the bathroom was filled with the sound of grunting and splattering as fans defecated and urinated wherever they could find space. At first, the mood was lighthearted. Fans laughed and joked as they emptied their bowels, ribbing one another about the smell and the mess. But then, as the smell grew stronger and the mess grew larger, something changed. A sense of desperation began to fill the air, as fans scrambled for any available space to relieve themselves. Then, as if by some unspoken agreement, fans began to gather up their own excrement and hurl it at one another. At first, it was just a few stray handfuls here and there, thrown in jest. But then the frenzy took hold, and fans began to pelt one another with their own waste, laughing and screaming as they did so. The chaos was total. Fans slipped and fell in the mess, struggling to get up and continue the fight. The smell was unbearable, a choking miasma that filled every corner of the bathroom. And yet still, the fans continued to throw, hurling their own filth with abandon. It was only when security arrived, batons swinging, that the madness finally ended. Fans scattered in all directions, slipping and sliding in the mess they had created. And in the end, all that was left was the stench and the mess, a grim testament to the madness that had taken hold in that tiny bathroom.

That's mental. This woman needs to keep away from schools.

Write a short martial arts movie about the time Lee Ryder and Howmanheyman got into a fight over a kebab in Get Stuffed. The two end up becoming lifelong friends and move in together. They wear matching pyjamas and play Double Dragon on their Sega all day long. The scene opens on a bustling city street at night. People are milling about, enjoying the nightlife, and food vendors are selling their delicious wares. Two men, Lee Ryder and Howmanheyman, both martial arts experts, are walking down the street, discussing their latest training techniques. As they approach the food vendor "Get Stuffed," the smell of kebabs wafts towards them, making their mouths water. They both decide to grab a bite, and as they are waiting for their order, they notice that there is only one kebab left. Without thinking, both men reach for the last kebab, their hands meeting in the middle. A brief moment of tension passes between them before they both look up and realize who the other is. Lee Ryder and Howmanheyman have been rival martial artists for years, always trying to outdo one another in training and competition. Now, they find themselves locked in a battle over a kebab. The fight begins, the two men trading blows and kicks, their martial arts skills on full display. As they fight, they begin to respect each other's techniques and soon find themselves laughing at the absurdity of the situation. Finally, the fight ends in a stalemate, with both men exhausted and hungry. They sit down to enjoy the kebab together and start talking about their shared passion for martial arts. As they talk, they realize that they have a lot in common and that their rivalry was based on nothing but their mutual love for their art. They decide to put their differences aside and become lifelong friends. The scene shifts to a few months later, with Lee Ryder and Howmanheyman moving into a shared apartment. They wear matching pyjamas and play Double Dragon on their Sega all day long, their martial arts skills on full display as they battle their way through the game. As the movie ends, the two friends sit on the couch, laughing and reminiscing about their fight over a kebab. They know that their shared love of martial arts will always bring them together, no matter what challenges they may face in the future.

Write a short scene from the sitcom Last of the Summer Wine but replace the main characters with ones called PaddockLad, Toonpack, Kevin Carrs Gloves, and Spongebob Toonpants. The gang are busy trying to work out how to use a computer mouse whilst hurtling down a hill in the Yorkshire countryside on an out of control sofa. @Toonpack @PaddockLad @spongebob toonpants @Kevin Carr's Gloves [Interior: A living room. PaddockLad, Toonpack, Kevin Carrs Gloves, and Spongebob Toonpants are sitting on a sofa with a computer mouse in their hands. Suddenly, the sofa starts moving, hurtling down a hill in the Yorkshire countryside. PaddockLad: Oh no! This sofa is out of control! Toonpack: Hang on tight, lads! Kevin Carrs Gloves: How are we going to use this mouse while we're moving? Spongebob Toonpants: I don't know, but we have to figure it out before we crash! PaddockLad: I think I have an idea. We just have to move the cursor to the "start" button and click on it. Toonpack: Easier said than done! We're bouncing around like a bunch of ping pong balls! Kevin Carrs Gloves: Maybe if we all work together, we can do it! Spongebob Toonpants: Agreed! Let's do this! [The four of them start frantically moving the mouse, trying to steer the sofa as it hurtles down the hill. They manage to click on the "start" button just as the sofa crashes into a pile of hay.] PaddockLad: Yes! We did it! Toonpack: That was amazing teamwork, lads Kevin Carrs Gloves: I don't think I've ever been so stressed in my life! Spongebob Toonpants: Same here, but we did it! We're like computer wizards now! [The four of them high-five each other as the camera pans out, showing the sofa stuck in the pile of hay in the middle of the Yorkshire countryside.]