Gemmill

Listen dickhead. You are not equipped for this mission. Stand down. Tell your new fucking weird mates that you've had an unfortunate life event and you can't be their friend anymore.

That must help with their pre game prep getting to the ground half an hour late with lungs full of blue smoke.

Was it their own bus or our bus that they were stood in front of with their poundshop Galatasaray antics last night?

Me and Eddie would be great mates. Start the day at 6am at the training ground, some weights followed by shirtless volleyball, then straight to the laptop for some data analysis. Shirts would remain off.

Who's that lass on CT's right?

They should have me on there. I wouldn't dream of doing anything so crude as pulling a website up - that's the same website (fbref) that I've got ALL the data off it into Power BI. AMATEURS!

The resignation letter from Sharp BTW. He knows EXACTLY what his fucking game was but his letter is one long excuse and attempt to reframe things. Informed Johnson he was going to apply for the role and within a month was helping facilitate a loan for the same bloke. Oh but it never occurred to him that this might affect the outcome of the appointment process. Just fuck off mate. Nobody believes you.

Get into bed with that bloke (literally or metaphorically), and you deserve every deeply unpleasant thing that happens next.

Gloom trying to win me over with stats....

Probably just "Newcastle wanted to sign him before, they'll want him again" twitter journo bollocks. Unless I've missed something, I've not even heard him mentioned by anyone who gets things right about us.

Sorry to hear of your troubles Craig. Stick around on here if it helps at all, but if you need to be away from here, we all hope you're OK and you're getting the help you need.

Fuck Ekitike. Dicked us about and then PSG want shot two thirds of the way through his first season. We had a lucky escape there and I reckon that's what they'll think within the club too.

POWER Pivot is where it's at these days. I wouldn't touch a standard pivot table with yours. I've left you behind with your shorts on back to front here, but you shouldn't feel bad.

The way you lot absolutely gobble down the stats on here, I could probably live off the superchats. "Watch this graph lads......click refresh aaaaannnnnd...BOOM! Toonpack, thanks for the sub. PaddockLad, thanks for the superchat, it's people like you that keep this channel going."

Our xG from set plays is actually the best in the league (I've sorted in the xG column here). But we've only turned that 16xgG into 9 goals.

Aye it's weird. I think it's cos Burn isn't actually that great in the air and Schar prefers concussions to goals. Our best threat from corners is permanently on the bench too (Lascelles).

Aye I didn't think he looked great but it must be his first start on 4 or 5 months if not longer. The ability to rotate people in and out now is class. Murphy and Isak have only had about 90 minutes across the last two matches and have made massive impacts to both. After last night they're basically completely fresh going into Sunday.

Scandalous from Beardsley. Other worldly to be able to do that at all, but to be able to do it under pressure in an actual game. These people can just fuck right off as I sit down to a day of spreadsheeting.

wyKeithki Lemon He's so fucking Yorkshire he can't even say Alexander properly.

The black lad on that one, I think it might be the first time he's seen a football match. He seems absolutely bewildered by everything.

Wykiki: "'e' s dinked it t't' back post. That is mad tekkers."

I find these things a bit weird but it's worth it just for an appearance from Wykiki on the second clip. Turn if off before the third clip though cos that one is BRUTAL.

And then Isak turning up late on and unceremoniously dumping his bollocks into their gob. Naughty.