Gemmill

Sad news about O'Grady too. Don't know a lot about the bloke but my lass watches his dog shows and anyone that gives that much of a fuck about dogs is alright by me.

That's a shame. Was she older than us or had she been unwell, do you know Craig?

Toonpack, do you want me to see if I can get you his number?

That's for mackems to get excited about and us to not worry about.

Write a scene from a dystopian near future. Sunderland football club has somehow got promoted back to the Premier League. It is the first game of the season, half time, and they trail 8-0 to their local rivals Newcastle United. Fans gather in the bathroom at half time and find themselves compelled to go to the toilet (number one and number two) in their own pants and then throw the contents at one another. The scene starts off lighthearted but descends into chaos. The air in the cramped bathroom was thick with the stench of urine and feces. Fans of Sunderland Football Club had gathered here at half-time, seeking refuge from the merciless thrashing their team was receiving on the field. They had hoped to commiserate with one another, to find solace in shared misery. But then something strange happened. One fan, overcome by a sudden urge, had dropped his pants and relieved himself right there on the floor. And then another fan had done the same, and then another. Soon the bathroom was filled with the sound of grunting and splattering as fans defecated and urinated wherever they could find space. At first, the mood was lighthearted. Fans laughed and joked as they emptied their bowels, ribbing one another about the smell and the mess. But then, as the smell grew stronger and the mess grew larger, something changed. A sense of desperation began to fill the air, as fans scrambled for any available space to relieve themselves. Then, as if by some unspoken agreement, fans began to gather up their own excrement and hurl it at one another. At first, it was just a few stray handfuls here and there, thrown in jest. But then the frenzy took hold, and fans began to pelt one another with their own waste, laughing and screaming as they did so. The chaos was total. Fans slipped and fell in the mess, struggling to get up and continue the fight. The smell was unbearable, a choking miasma that filled every corner of the bathroom. And yet still, the fans continued to throw, hurling their own filth with abandon. It was only when security arrived, batons swinging, that the madness finally ended. Fans scattered in all directions, slipping and sliding in the mess they had created. And in the end, all that was left was the stench and the mess, a grim testament to the madness that had taken hold in that tiny bathroom.

That's mental. This woman needs to keep away from schools.

Write a short martial arts movie about the time Lee Ryder and Howmanheyman got into a fight over a kebab in Get Stuffed. The two end up becoming lifelong friends and move in together. They wear matching pyjamas and play Double Dragon on their Sega all day long. The scene opens on a bustling city street at night. People are milling about, enjoying the nightlife, and food vendors are selling their delicious wares. Two men, Lee Ryder and Howmanheyman, both martial arts experts, are walking down the street, discussing their latest training techniques. As they approach the food vendor "Get Stuffed," the smell of kebabs wafts towards them, making their mouths water. They both decide to grab a bite, and as they are waiting for their order, they notice that there is only one kebab left. Without thinking, both men reach for the last kebab, their hands meeting in the middle. A brief moment of tension passes between them before they both look up and realize who the other is. Lee Ryder and Howmanheyman have been rival martial artists for years, always trying to outdo one another in training and competition. Now, they find themselves locked in a battle over a kebab. The fight begins, the two men trading blows and kicks, their martial arts skills on full display. As they fight, they begin to respect each other's techniques and soon find themselves laughing at the absurdity of the situation. Finally, the fight ends in a stalemate, with both men exhausted and hungry. They sit down to enjoy the kebab together and start talking about their shared passion for martial arts. As they talk, they realize that they have a lot in common and that their rivalry was based on nothing but their mutual love for their art. They decide to put their differences aside and become lifelong friends. The scene shifts to a few months later, with Lee Ryder and Howmanheyman moving into a shared apartment. They wear matching pyjamas and play Double Dragon on their Sega all day long, their martial arts skills on full display as they battle their way through the game. As the movie ends, the two friends sit on the couch, laughing and reminiscing about their fight over a kebab. They know that their shared love of martial arts will always bring them together, no matter what challenges they may face in the future.

Write a short scene from the sitcom Last of the Summer Wine but replace the main characters with ones called PaddockLad, Toonpack, Kevin Carrs Gloves, and Spongebob Toonpants. The gang are busy trying to work out how to use a computer mouse whilst hurtling down a hill in the Yorkshire countryside on an out of control sofa. @Toonpack @PaddockLad @spongebob toonpants @Kevin Carr's Gloves [Interior: A living room. PaddockLad, Toonpack, Kevin Carrs Gloves, and Spongebob Toonpants are sitting on a sofa with a computer mouse in their hands. Suddenly, the sofa starts moving, hurtling down a hill in the Yorkshire countryside. PaddockLad: Oh no! This sofa is out of control! Toonpack: Hang on tight, lads! Kevin Carrs Gloves: How are we going to use this mouse while we're moving? Spongebob Toonpants: I don't know, but we have to figure it out before we crash! PaddockLad: I think I have an idea. We just have to move the cursor to the "start" button and click on it. Toonpack: Easier said than done! We're bouncing around like a bunch of ping pong balls! Kevin Carrs Gloves: Maybe if we all work together, we can do it! Spongebob Toonpants: Agreed! Let's do this! [The four of them start frantically moving the mouse, trying to steer the sofa as it hurtles down the hill. They manage to click on the "start" button just as the sofa crashes into a pile of hay.] PaddockLad: Yes! We did it! Toonpack: That was amazing teamwork, lads Kevin Carrs Gloves: I don't think I've ever been so stressed in my life! Spongebob Toonpants: Same here, but we did it! We're like computer wizards now! [The four of them high-five each other as the camera pans out, showing the sofa stuck in the pile of hay in the middle of the Yorkshire countryside.]

Write an obituary for former DJ and amateur skateboarder Dr Gloom. He died of being vegan and leaves behind a broken skateboard and a Jive Bunny boxset. It is with deep sadness that we announce the passing of Dr Gloom, a former DJ and amateur skateboarder, who left this world on March 27, 2023, at the age of 47. He died as a result of complications from his vegan lifestyle. Dr Gloom, whose real name was James Smith, was born on September 12, 1975, in London, England. He began his career as a DJ in the early 90s, spinning records at local clubs and events. He was known for his unique style of mixing and his love of underground music. In addition to his love of music, Dr Gloom was an avid skateboarder. He spent countless hours perfecting his skills at the local skate park and even competed in a few amateur competitions. Despite his success in both music and skateboarding, Dr Gloom was most proud of his vegan lifestyle. He was passionate about animal rights and the environment and worked tirelessly to spread awareness of the benefits of a plant-based diet. Dr Gloom is survived by his broken skateboard and his beloved Jive Bunny boxset. He will be remembered by his friends and fans for his infectious smile, his love of life, and his commitment to his principles. Rest in peace, Dr Gloom. You will be missed, but your legacy will live on.

Write a yelp review of a football fan called @thebrokendoll who has recently been found to have tricked someone less fortunate than him into giving him lifts the length of the country to watch Newcastle United play. The review should be signed "Yours Sincerely, Alex Hurst." Dear readers, I am writing this review to warn you about a certain football fan who goes by the name of "thebrokendoll." Recently, it has come to my attention that he has been taking advantage of someone less fortunate than him by tricking them into giving him lifts the length of the country to watch Newcastle United play. This kind of behavior is absolutely unacceptable, and I am appalled by it. Not only is it unfair to take advantage of someone in such a way, but it also shows a complete lack of respect for the efforts of others. As a fellow football fan, I believe that supporting your team is important. However, there is a right way and a wrong way to do it. Taking advantage of others is never the right way. I urge you all to be wary of "thebrokendoll" and to avoid any interactions with him. We should all strive to support our teams in a way that is respectful and fair to everyone involved. Yours Sincerely, Alex Hurst

Write a short story about a hobbit called RobinRobin who thinks he lives in Australia but actually lives in New Zealand. He is a deaf mute who communicates only through the medium of gifs. He is 80 years old. His hero is Chris Wood, the New Zealand footballer. RobinRobin was an 80-year-old hobbit who lived in what he thought was Australia. He had lived in the same hobbit hole for as long as he could remember, and had never ventured far from his home. RobinRobin was a deaf mute, which made communication difficult, but he had found a way to express himself through the medium of gifs. RobinRobin was obsessed with football, and his hero was Chris Wood, the New Zealand footballer. He had never actually seen Chris Wood play, but he had heard about him from other hobbits and had seen gifs of his goals on the internet. RobinRobin spent hours watching and re-watching these gifs, studying Wood's technique and dreaming of one day meeting him. One day, RobinRobin decided to go on an adventure to see if he could find Chris Wood. He packed a bag with supplies and set off, following the road that he believed would lead him to Australia. After a few days of walking, he stumbled upon a sign that read "Welcome to New Zealand." RobinRobin was confused. He had always thought he was in Australia, but now he realized he had been living in New Zealand all along. He felt a sense of disappointment, but he was also excited to explore this new land. As he wandered through New Zealand, RobinRobin encountered many kind people who were fascinated by his communication through gifs. They welcomed him into their homes and taught him about their culture. RobinRobin felt more connected to the world than ever before, and he realized that there was so much more to life than just football and Chris Wood. Eventually, RobinRobin returned to his hobbit hole, a changed hobbit. He still loved football and Chris Wood, but he also had a new appreciation for the beauty of the world around him and the kindness of strangers. He continued to communicate through gifs, but now he also had stories to share about his adventures in New Zealand. RobinRobin realized that sometimes, the greatest adventures are the ones that lead you to unexpected places.

Write a blues song about a cone-headed taxi driver called Christmas Tree. His hobbies are cooking horrible dinners, listening to ABBA, and voting for Brexit. Verse 1: Well, I hopped in a taxi cab, one cold and dreary night The driver looked so strange, with a cone head big and bright He said his name was Christmas Tree, and his hobbies were bizarre Cooking terrible dinners and listening to ABBA, oh man, what a scar Chorus: Oh Christmas Tree, what's wrong with you? Voting for Brexit, and your dinners make me blue With your cone head and ABBA tunes, you're a sight to see But I gotta get to my destination, so drive that taxi, Christmas Tree Verse 2: I asked him 'bout the weather, but he just talked 'bout Brexit Said he wanted to be independent, didn't want no EU exit Then he offered me some dinner, but I politely declined I didn't wanna hurt his feelings, but those meals just ain't my kind Chorus: Oh Christmas Tree, what's wrong with you? Voting for Brexit, and your dinners make me blue With your cone head and ABBA tunes, you're a sight to see But I gotta get to my destination, so drive that taxi, Christmas Tree Verse 3: As we drove along, he told me 'bout his love for ABBA songs Said they made him feel alive, and he sang 'em all day long I asked him what his favorite was, and he said it was "Fernando" He started singing so loud, I thought my eardrums would blow Chorus: Oh Christmas Tree, what's wrong with you? Voting for Brexit, and your dinners make me blue With your cone head and ABBA tunes, you're a sight to see But I gotta get to my destination, so drive that taxi, Christmas Tree Verse 4: Finally, we arrived at my destination, and I paid him with a smile I thanked him for the ride, and he said "Have a nice while" As I walked away, I couldn't help but think That Christmas Tree was quite a character, though his dinners really stink Chorus: Oh Christmas Tree, what's wrong with you? Voting for Brexit, and your dinners make me blue With your cone head and ABBA tunes, you're a sight to see But I gotta get to my destination, so drive that taxi, Christmas Tree.

My lass is on a Zoom call with the NEU here. The government's latest offer to teachers in England is absolute bullshit. Big divergence from what teachers in Scotland and Wales are getting. More strikes on the way, by the look of it.

I'm sure the continentals will be absolutely mesmerised by the way people from Sunderland grout the bathroom tiles with their own turds. Real Sistine Chapel shit.

It's gonna happen. The SNP is in disarray.

I'd maybe give some thought to the order in which they do things. This is basically: 1. Remove underpants 2. Start thrusting 3. Get girlfriend

Humza Yousaf the new SNP leader. Hope he's shite and Labour (with their Tory manifesto) can get a foothold back in jockland.

Any word on whether they were able to aim their turds into the toilet bowl and their piss into the urinal?

You could already tell he comes from a good family. This just confirms it. Get him signed, Eddie.

Stellini was getting a much better tune out of Spurs than Conte was when Conte was off with his gall bladder troubles. Hopefully he doesn't repeat the trick for the run-in.

When is this cunt getting arrested?

Kane is class. I'd love it if we could bring him here. There's been an outbreak of crazy talk in the last few posts on here.

That's shit mate, sorry to hear that.