Gemmill

Mint. Pile the goals on now please.

42 minutes of exposure for Klopp's teeth if it stays like this. They'll be squeaking like halloumi come full time.

Does that not count as offside if he's 5 yards off when the initial pass is played?

Think De Bruyne might have been offside here.

These two stupid cunts now talking about the importance of the win for both teams. Literally the exact opposite of what they were saying barely an hour ago. Genuine fucking halfwits.

Any two other teams would have seen more cards in this one. The ref is in a personal contest with himself not to upset the big boys.

Get in. Klopp's gnashers are gonna be getting an airing this afternoon, I reckon. Hopefully Man City can turn them over now.

We didn't even have to endure the interminable drawing of the lines.

They've got the thick manc lass on the BT commentary. Her and the commentator are busy agreeing that it won't be a disaster for either team if they don't win today, even though it clearly would be pretty fucking bad.

I fell for all 8/8ths of it to start off with.

April fool Shirley.

No Haaland for Man City which is a shame. I was hoping for Liverpool to get obliterated. Hopefully they just get humped instead.

He's a proper boring little cunt. I hope we fucking lace them and Tindall cups and scoops a fart right in his face on the full time whistle.

Brains starved of blood flow. I could see that.

I'd join a tag team and take one of them on, but 6 is ridiculous.

Another relaxing win coming up. Wondering whether to just start the threads for the other 11 remaining games today, then knock them all in like a Virgo trick shot.

Write a conversation between a handful of idiots where every interaction is a pun on family relations, such as aunt, uncle, brother, etc. Person 1: Hey guys, what do you call a fake noodle? Person 2: I don't know, what? Person 1: An impasta! Ha ha ha. Person 3: Oh brother, that was terrible. Person 2: Speaking of brothers, did you hear about the one who fell into the upholstery machine? Person 1: No, what happened? Person 2: He's fully recovered. Person 3: Uncle believe you just said that. Person 1: Hey, did you hear about the pregnant bed? Person 2: No, what's that? Person 1: It's a bed that's already made! Person 3: That's not even related to family puns. Person 2: Yeah, you're right. Let's stick to the theme. Did you hear about the uncle who got hit in the head with a soda can? Person 1: No, what happened to him? Person 2: He was lucky it was a soft drink! Person 3: Oh aunt that just hurts my brain. Person 1: Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping at the playground? Person 2: No, what happened? Person 1: They woke up. Person 3: I don't think that has anything to do with family puns either. Person 2: Yeah, you're right. Let's get back to the family puns. Did you hear about the sister who stole a tractor? Person 1: No, what happened to her? Person 2: She got a little too close to her roots. Person 3: That's it, I'm out of here. You guys are just making me cousinstantly cringe NOW FUCK OFF!

Rumour I heard was you tried licking Alan Oliver's arse, but were wide of the mark.

Banned from football. "But I'm literally the DIRECTOR of FOOTBALL. What would you have me direct now?!"

If we end up getting McTominay, I couldn't give a fuck how much we pay for him. It's not coming out my bank account. It fucking better not anyway.

There once was a poet named Meenzer, Whose love for haiku was a real teaser, With strict syllable counts, He'd often announce, "A 5-7-5, or it's a displeaser!"

Meenzer counts each sound, Haiku syllables must be right, Picky with the words. THAT'S what it thinks of your cheek.

Tried to get it to write a haiku about Renton trying to suck himself off but it wouldn't have it. So you'll have to make do with this stirring effort about Bruno instead. Brazilian heart, Bruno Guimaraes takes the field, Victory in sight.