Gemmill

Go on, tell us how it works in rugby. WE KNOW YOU WANT TO!

Don't they just demote them to the Championship instead? "You got it wrong Dave." "Howard, please." "Dave, there's nothing I can do." "Howard, I've got a family!? Please Howard, don't-" "You're going to Sunderland, Dave."

Proper supply teacher vibes.

I work in Boro one day a week. Looking out the window of our offices is like playing The Last of Us on a massive screen. Drunks, junkies, scraps in the street, all day long. There was one lass tried to take a "short cut" through a hedge. This thing is about 8 foot deep and runs parallel to a path which she could have just walked along, but she was so out of it she went through the hedge. Took her about 3 minutes to move 8 feet and she eventually faceplanted out of the end of it onto the kerb and had to be picked up by some (also drunk) passersby.

That was different, she had to ask me to STOP feeling them.

The answer to all of the above BTW is you calmly take off whatever top you're currently wearing, put on your white chef's jacket and say "Right big boy, do you wanna fucking go?"

To be fair, it sounds like this lass knows you.

Dave, I would greatly appreciate it if you didn't improve on my puns in future.

"Just a collision"

Jimmy Buffett died. I didn't know who this bloke was til I went to America but he was huge over there. Had a song called Margaritaville which was turned into a restaurant chain. Anyway, Jimmy hit the Buffers more like.

Man United have got the Box Crasher market cornered.

I've no doubt there'll be clamour for my services at some point in the season. Let the Matildas take the easy ones.

Smash Mouth are now full QAnon anti vax Trump lunatics aren't they? Not this dead lad obviously.

"These"

Imagine writing this article. And then imagine having an editor that would print it.

I'm your Nellie Oleson.

PaddockLauraIngalls.

Aye, I don't get it either. Not sure she's put a foot wrong.

Sunak proudly declaring that 95% of schools are safe, I don't think is quite the win that he was hoping for. Just the 5% at risk of collapse then Prime Minister? That's 1,100 schools BTW.

Wait til Billy Gilmour's balls drop and he's bringing his little scrote onto the pitchnin a Scotland babygro, feeding it Irn Bru from a Tommy Tippee. We won't be hearing any of this shit.

Between you and me Dave, he just likes to repeat OVER AND OVER AGAIN that someone from Scotland had a good game. And I'm absolutely fucking sick of it. He just needs to put his spray-on Scotland top on, have a posh wank, and leave our Copacabana hottie the fuck alone.

Marriage has changed PaddockLad. He was so lovely before it.