Gemmill

A lot of sad spaghetti western trumpets and wobbly top lips.

This is like Dennis the Menace asking for the homework that he won't do.

"It was a Hail Mary move to try and get @thebrokendoll back onside", said Eales, unknowingly undoing any progress he had made with the disgruntled Toontastic poster by his use of the phrase "Hail Mary".

No wonder they're still employing Jenas.

Eales going on talksport to announce that Sunderland's owner has licked his arsehole.

"The best way to get over the last one is to get under the next one" - The Wisdom of Hawk Tuah

Is Lascelles still captain of the canteen, do we know?

It's odd for Howe to decide to announce that he's not a starter anymore and strip him of the captaincy. I wouldn't be surprised if he's pissed off at what happened last season where off-field shit of Trippier's own making led to a significant drop off in his on field performances. Not exactly the example you want your captain to set to the rest of the squad. I can also understand Trippier deciding to leave under those circumstances though.

The last thing that girl needs is a national abortion ban.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-13769129/INSIDE-NEWCASTLE-Transfer-chiefs-confident-snap-target-Marc-Guehi-one-star-left-frustrated-Saints-snub-Eddie-Howe-burger-king.html We're not after Madueke apparently.

Who can we appoint to find out what he's done? Ewerk, you are the closest thing we have to a private investigator on here. Do your thing.

What the FUCK was that. Had he done a Vice Versa body swap with Ross Kemp.

GB News beckons.

PS Congratulations on hitting puberty, Mr Hairy Chest Renton.

This is fucking gross lads.

I'm pleased for Tino too. At times last season, he looked tremendous. Time to invest in him now.

On the contrary, my runneth over.

He leaps like a goldfish. He plays for Cameroon too, so we'd be subject to AFCON disappearances.

Sorry to hear that Strawb. Poor bloke sounds like he's been dealt a very shitty hand by life. I hope your mam is OK, and you too.

Full fat Luke Edwards from you. "I'm reading a lot of reports on here that Kieran Trippier might be leaving the club, it I'm not hearing anything to supp- *GUMPH*....."

See if you can spot who knew what he was talking about in the above selection of posts btw. Selected ENTIRELY at random.

Powerful rumours that Hawk Tuah is announcing Harris on to stage tonight. Locking up the lads who like sloppy blow jobs vote.

*pats Dazzler on the head* No offence sonny.

He'll be wanting to stay close to his kids, the mad cunt.

I hope he likes relegations.