Ayatollah Hermione

Reckon we'll get battered but only concede 2. Rooney nailed on to score, I bet.

I hate how Sky is following the BBC route of all the pundits becoming incredibly chummy with each other. Jamie Redknapp is bad enough without it.

Joe Cole What a shame.

Funny People - False advertising.

Titus Bramble: Secret Agent tbh.

Can't be any worse than Smith in that role. Can he play anywhere else?

I figured he might have signed, not 8 pages of dipshit theater.

280 UCAS points is a load more than two B's, isn't it? I got 2 B's and an A and only got 180. That was back in the day like.

I was on a plane when he signed and it was through the night when it was officially announced. The pilot woke everybody up to tell them he'd signed for us.

Type "Alan" into Google and Shearer is before Hansen. As far as I'm concerned, that's proof he's better. Also,

I piss with my knob.

The filling looks like gravel as well.

Got Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon for a quid. I've managed to never see it, does it hold up well?

Congratulations and good luck with it all, Khay. If your uncle gets you a toaster and not a helicopter ride, cut off all contact with him.

Aye, it's very funny. Must-watch for any football fan.

Or if the media themselves had spent a couple of years inventing some cliches.

So, if Enrique gets injured, we have Perch and three youth players to back him up? I hope he comes along well anyway.

Well, he could work for Talksport if things don't work out. Which they won't.

Turn to Page 4 to continue through the doors Turn to Page 51 to turn on your heels and go home

The Weezer cover is amazing. I might buy it on vinyl and put it on my wall. Is that Maximum Balloon album good, Chez?

Shut up, you great big fat fucking cheese wheel.

Biffy Clyro's newest. Wow. Sub-Snow Patrol ballads, woeful lyrics, terrible riffing, shit vocals. Music that only unadjusted teenage girls could find any emotion in. This lot used to be good as well.

We aren't even close to signing him yet. A fee has just been agreed with Marseille, that is all. This has to agree terms, pass his medical et al. Have you been following the story at all? He's desperate to come to England so I can't see terms taking too long to be sorted. Who's to say a club in a much better state doesn't also agree a fee with Marseille in the next few days? Better clubs than us have come in and time and again, he's said he wants a move to England.

We aren't even close to signing him yet. A fee has just been agreed with Marseille, that is all. This has to agree terms, pass his medical et al. Have you been following the story at all? He's desperate to come to England so I can't see terms taking too long to be sorted.

£6 million is 7 million euros.