catmag

One of my patients told me to go and fuck myself last night. Slightly ungrateful, I thought considering we'd just stopped him bleeding to death.

Wor Chezza was looking a bit gaunt tonight, I thought.

I don't mind Burr. I didn't like his stuff at first but I've come around to it a bit.

You and Jo Brand man Schumer is just so fake. I'm generally not a fan of US female comics as it is but she's unwatchable IMO.

Can't get away with Amy Schumer. Watched some of her stand-up recently and I find her very annoying, not to mention unfunny.

At 4.30am this is hilarious

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-34072712

Nah, that was Stallone.

That death looks suspicious, mind(s)

That is brilliant

Ice-T's crazy wife is pregnant and as loopy as ever... http://www.etonline.com/news/170610_coco_already_got_her_unborn_daughter_high_heels_to_wear_out_of_the_hospital/

WTF?! Have you wet the bed?

He never uses the bloody thing - he has a cleaner! It's locked in a cupboard quietly sobbing to itself and contemplating removing it's own fuse.

My Grandma buys me a bottle of Malibu for every birthday. She's done it since I was 17

Bring it, beeyatch.

You've been middle-aged the whole time I've known you, so you'd know I guess.

I found myself drinking brandy in Spain last week and rather enjoyed it.

It's working fine for me. Gemmill is obviously viewing the board on a defective piece of electrical equipment.

You're so middle-clarse.

You were under a tree in the shade

Dave, I saw that photo on FB of you and your lovely lady at the wedding. She looked absolutely amazing and you had those stupid fucking shades on like some kind of tit! You looked like a Bee Gee.

That's probably the most accurate description of him I've ever heard. I've got a photo of him somewhere wearing those sunglasses with a shiny, sunburned heed.

The bairn just rang me. Oh man, to have that joy again without yet having experienced the disappointment. Magic stuff.