Meenzer

Bit harsh wishing death on your son like. She was a fine teacher, mind. Scary as fuck, but that's what you pay for. Or so I'm told.

You get taught off Richard Ashby's mother? I did indeed.

I've mentioned it before, but I drove over a brick and lost a hubcap on my test. Still passed though.

But I dooooo

Could be worse. You could have to listen to her...

I'd say from 3 onwards. I'm not going to be there, but I'd still say from 3 onwards.

Tune. Now on to Jacques Brel - Tango funèbre. I'm bringing the big beats this morning. I like the Scott Walker versions of Brel. They're canny like. Minus Story - My Ion Truss

About 50kg?

BITCH!!!!! Why Mr. Snakehips, are you trying to seduce me?

German efficiency would have eradicated Stevie from the gene pool by now tbh.

THEY ALL SAID YOU SMELL OF WEE *points at them* Apart from that, nowt much. Welcome back.

Duly noted. If a bunch of showtunes come on the jukebox you'll know we're in the house.

There's a context, of course - I'm bringing the better half with me when I come up for an overnighter next month, so I want to show the place off and make sure I haven't missed anything obvious - but I was interested in what people would come up with generally too. Might just take Wacky's advice, I wonder what the reaction would be to our presence. Expanding the question, actually (not that it'll apply to us this time round) - it's a nice sunny day and you've got a car with a full tank of petrol at your disposal. Where in the region do you go for the day?

HLX were swallowed up by TUIfly a while back and I could have sworn they suspended their Newcastle-Hannover route, hence my comment above, but it's right there on the website. Maybe I was getting it confused with their Edinburgh-Hamburg route, which certainly bit the dust after the merger.

Still can't figure out why Newcastle Airport can't support a cheap route to somewhere in Germany. There's only Düsseldorf with Lufthansa IIRC, and that's not much good for anybody (though I suppose it puts you within an hour or two of a few canny teams).

Say you had a visitor making their first trip to Newcastle and you had maybe 1 or 2 hours, max, to show them around town. What sights would you include/what route would you take?

I liked the "He should go back to Germany" barb. Completely ignoring the fact he has been called Phil the Greek for years. Nice line coming from an Egyptian, too.

Tune. Now on to Jacques Brel - Tango funèbre. I'm bringing the big beats this morning.

Fidel Castro announces retirement Cuba's ailing leader Fidel Castro has announced he will not return to the presidency, in a letter published by official Communist Party paper, Granma. "I neither will aspire to, nor will I accept, the position of president of the council of state and commander in chief," he wrote in the letter. Mr Castro handed over power temporarily to his brother, Raul, in July 2006 when he underwent intestinal surgery. The 81-year-old has ruled Cuba since leading a communist revolution in 1959. In December, Mr Castro indicated that he might possibly step down in favour of younger leaders, saying "my primary duty is not to cling to any position". Soon afterwards, Raul Castro appeared to suggest that his older brother still had an important political role to play, saying the president still had full use of his mental faculties and was being consulted on all important policy issues. 'No saying farewell' In the letter, published on Granma's website during the middle of the night in Cuba, Mr Castro said he would not accept another five-year term as president when the National Assembly meets on Sunday, because of the health problems. "It would betray my conscience to take up a responsibility that requires mobility and total devotion, that I am not in a physical condition to offer," he wrote. However, Mr Castro insisted he was "not saying farewell". "I just want to carry on fighting like a soldier of ideas," he added. "I will continue writing under the title, Reflections of Comrade Fidel." "I will be one more weapon in the arsenal that you can count on. Perhaps my voice will be heard. I will be careful." The National Assembly is widely expected to elect 76-year-old Raul Castro as his successor, although analysts say there is speculation about a possible generational jump with Vice-President Carlos Large, 56, a leading contender. The BBC's Michael Voss in Havana says nobody knows whether Mr Castro's decision not to seek another five-year term has been prompted by a decline in his health - it has been an official secret since the moment he was taken ill. The president has not been seen in public for 18 months, although the government occasionally releases photographs and pre-edited video of him meeting visiting leaders from around the world. Last month, Mr Castro was shown talking to his Brazilian counterpart, Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, who described him as being lucid and in good health. Our correspondent says, Mr Castro will leave a mixed legacy - both friend and foe recognise him as an iconic leader and major figure in the post-war era.

Alberie Hadërgjonaj - Të dua zemër, ty të dua

Tell her to take a flak jacket now the Kosovo shit is well and truly kicking off. It's in mid-to-late May, anyway - should hopefully be there myself if the fella's exam timetable doesn't get in the way. We'll no doubt be occupying an outside table at Snežana on Knez Mihailova for the duration of the week if she's still about and wants to come and share a Pizza Serbiana or a few shots of rakija or something. You don't know anyone with an apartment to let, actually, do you?

Everyone's "Low" for me except Patraaaackles ("Medium", pretty much as expected) and Besty ("Very Low"). And no I'm not joining.

I reckon most bands/singers would say yes if the Beeb came to them and said "no rules, fuck the results, you can sing what you want, it's 3 minutes of prime-time global TV exposure and a two-week paid-up booze cruise to somewhere sunny and foreign in May". It's just the insistence of having a national final where you'll get beaten by some Dancing On Ice reject or something that tends to spoil things.

When you're next in London, give me a shout and I'll chaperone you on a trip to G.A.Y. Bar. You'll need protection from the lecherous old men, but the video jukebox will make you orgasm repeatedly even without the touch of a grubby gaylord in the cubicles.

And you'd feel empty and unfulfilled if I didn't set 'em up for you. Who'd have thought it, a symbiotic relationship to die for!