Meenzer

Below your usual standards tbh

One of my teachers at school had a dot-matrix printed sign on his classroom wall saying "Maths is fun - if you don't agree you're not trying hard enough". He'd be a Tory too.

Sometimes it's better to live in sin than get married.

Somewhat improbably, this works even better using a couple of tins of supermarket sardines in tomato sauce (!) instead of the anchovies. Gives a lovely meaty texture to the dish.

Shows Pardew sees him as one for the future.

It's a bit petty, but I suppose it's one way of implementing an Error 404 page.

Paul "Hitman" Hart

Joe Royle, shirley.

It's worth noting that if the figures date back to the 1980s, they must also include the Krankies, who accounted for 97.3% of the tax revenue generated in Scotland throughout the decade.

https://twitter.com/bryanwx/status/434106544263675904/photo/1

It's the future, I've tasted it* *by "it" I mean "what's under Zayn Malik's boxer shorts"

...but then I was joined on the bench by a lovely Brazilian girl who'd been given some spectacularly wrong information by the bus driver and the station staff and needed a transport nerd to spring to the rescue, help her navigate the wacky world of limited-stop trains and London night buses then talk travel and linguistics for an hour.

Many congratulations Chez. Mostly positive mood here - just back from a Hamburg/Berlin weekend with lashings of bitter lemon, steaks the size of your head, front row seats for Eddie Izzard's German-language show and even a cheerfully random encounter with TT's very own Jill and her lovely fella at a sports bar in the shadow of Brandenburger Tor. On the other hand, I just missed my train by 20 seconds and will be spending the next half-hour freezing my clems off on a bench at Luton Airport Parkway station. Straight back to reality...

Imagine a situation where Schleswig-Holstein decided to secede from Germany and the EU turned round and said "right, sorry Germany, you're not Germany any more and you'll have to renegotiate the terms of your membership". Joggen Sie der fuck an, as Google Translate would probably have it.

The rest of that parsnip glut, incidentally, went into a curry with chick peas, okra, spinach, peppers and whatever else was kicking about in the veggie drawer. The sweetness of the parsnips counterbalances the spices really well, but like with any good veggie curry, the seeds - cumin and yellow and black mustard seeds in this case - are the true heroes. Mouth-popping goodness!

I'm all for Scotch independence. We can do a sneaky Greek-Cypriot douze points swap at Eurovision every year.

"Suck me clems" is a much underused phrase.

I wrote a "20 worst Eurovision songs of the 2000s" blog post once. It was very cathartic. Cath would have had a seizure reading it though. Good stuff Stevie, you're at your best when there's a bee in your bonnet.

We have Glacier Mints. The French, on the other hand...

At last, a practical use for Google Translate! Click the "listen" button on the right-hand side and enjoy... A happy dot song: http://translate.google.com/#en/ja/%24%24%24%24....%24%24%24%24....%24%24%24%24....%24%24%24%24....%24%24%24%24....%24%24%24%24 The Batman theme: http://translate.google.com/#en/ja/77777777777777777%20Batman Beatboxing: http://translate.google.com/#en/de/pv%20zk%20pv%20bschk%20zk%20pv%20zk%20bschk%20pv%20zk%20pv%20bschk%20pv%20bschk%20pv%20bschk%20bschk%20pv%20bschkkkkkkkkkk%20pv%20zk What the fox say: http://translate.google.com/#en/ja/888oo%20888oo%20888oo%20888oo

I never mentioned Cliff Richard.