Meenzer

http://www.express.co.uk/sport/football/502022/It-s-banter-LMA-support-Malky-Mackay-over-alleged-racist-sexist-and-homophobic-texts "Banter".

I'm pretty sure I've eaten there.

Should open the door to them as UKIP prospective parliamentary candidates for the East Midlands and Kent, though.

You know how apparently you shouldn't judge people on appearances? I've not seen any of this cunt's comedy, I've only seen the cunt on the trailers for the latest batch of Live At The Apollo repeats on Comedy Central, but I'm pretty certain he's a cunt.

That would be an ecumenical matter.

You've not got a great recent history when it comes to assuming things are a joke.

Tbf, "a drunken workless failure with little to say and poor Australian teeth with regular red backs on his toilet" probably just about covers it. Though I assume Stevie meant "worthless" and his memory's playing up.

Invented it before the Spice Girls, innit

Herbal Denpressences.

I know right, imagine having a hobby where you do the thing involved more than once. Oh hang on... Being a renter in London, obviously the main problem is we can't actually afford a dining table. Having to clear away the sex toys is a minor hindrance by comparison.

Speaking of which, did everyone else's school/college have a skanky kid with dreadlocks who claimed "the oils from the scalp mean the hair cleans itself" while batting away swarms of flies?

(This mainly works if you're called Steve Harris too, but I reckon there's a reasonable chance you are.)

"Couldn't find a chargrill so used a blowtorch"

They're looking for applicants in this neck of the woods (for the TV show, not the version involving CT's circle of chubby compadres). I'm actually a tiny bit tempted.

CT's belly twitches when he sees a tin of spaghetti hoops.

Ah, seems to be at the top-right on the drop-down menu where you access your profile etc. Didn't realise we had that function. Still not sure where Ken's message comes into it though...

Butter? Butter.

"Bon anniversaire à toi I don't know who you are But you'll be subbed for Dummett In minute soixante-trois"

A good effort

Stevie's new theme song: Fingers crossed one more time for you, here's hoping the news is nothing but good.

There we go. Straight out of a Delia series in a beige 80s kitchen, but genuinely really nice. (CT SAFETY NOTICES: 1) No, it doesn't have to be Caerphilly; 2) No, I don't actually use lard. 100g of margarine is fine; 3) "Decorate as shown" just means "hoy some rings of red and green pepper on top", which I rarely do anyway (but if you do, try not to use the roasted ones, eh?); 4) You can up the amounts of carrot and courgette by at least 50% without changing any of the other quantities and it'll still come out fine; 5) Seriously. Don't use lard.)

They're great sliced as the basis for stir-fries too. And then there's the legendary snipped-out-of-the-Chronicle-in-the-1980s flan recipe that I shall dredge up for you in just a mo.