Meenzer

12/15. Didn't realise was as old as he is. The other two were shots in the dark.

Aubergine curry with soft chapatis. Followed by some Maoam Pinballs.

Not yet. The application form is stupidly long, and they've already had a pair of Eurovision gays on there who won the jackpot so that box has been checked.

Finally, some episodes of Pointless that aren't repeats. My day has officially been made.

Theme of the whole of last season too, when we all wanted Liverpool to win the title against the odds. I think the media would be genuinely baffled as to why people were creased up laughing at the Gerrard slip and the collapse against Palace. Total disconnect.

Newcastle XI: Krul, R Taylor, Janmaat, Williamson, Colback, Anita, Sissoko, Cabella, Gouffran, Ameobi, Perez. Arsenal XI: Ospina, Chambers, Gabriel, Koscielny, Monreal, Coquelin, Ramsey, Alexis, Cazorla, Welbeck, Giroud.

You could try attaching some of these in the meantime:

Did you get yourself fitted for them at all? I feel like I ought to do that as I'm told more suitable shoes will help me kick on a bit running-wise, but then I'm already doing reasonably well with the tatty Asics I picked up from S***** D***** nine months ago, so...

Sorry about that, I'd had a rough night at the Mayfair and lost my keys.

Sensational cuntery.

I'd definitely rather be watching a lower-half Bundesliga game than a lower-half Premier League game.

A friend who's turning 30 wants to drag a few people with him on a city break this summer. Our options are apparently Paris, Stockholm and... Chisinau. I genuinely have no idea why the latter is on the list and I'm a bit scared to ask.

Christ.

Not all that different from using green lentils by the time you've cooked it all down I suppose. Actually, that's basically halfway to a veggie chilli con carne, isn't it? Which also works.

Bean curry? Excellent. I've got a curry recipe that involves bacon, which I can't wait to try and see if it's as awful as it sounds. (No, it's not one of Leazes')

In fact I'm so averse to being dictated to by outsiders that I might vote UKIP.

Nah, if I got recipe boxes I know I'd just want to ignore the recipes and do my own thing anyway.

Going to throw some grilled chicken, shallots and spring greens (#vegboxwanker) into a risotto tonight. Porcini mushroom stock cubes are the key to risotto happiness.

Competition!

Although I notice you don't say whether you'd be in the 40 or the 60...