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"Qualifications"

An answer on here that revolves around alcohol. I'm shocked. Cheers all.

Not overly fussed about the Cup Final itself, but if it brings the traditional Cup Final weather, that'll do quite nicely.

Dragged myself out of bed to break this ludicrous sleep pattern I've been on. Nine tedious hours of translating PowerPoint presentations for an ailing German car manufacturer will follow.

Aye, the 21-page "Best of YouTube" thread over in General Chat is just one long list of mod edits. Meow Martin! Sorry.

Aye, the 21-page "Best of YouTube" thread over in General Chat is just one long list of mod edits.

http://www.wikihow.com/Calculate-Pi-by-Thr...Frozen-Hot-Dogs Christ, I'm bored.

That's only because he wees on homeless black men instead.

There seem to be tons of them available at the chemist's. Anyone know which ones actually work (or have any non-medical remedies they can suggest)? I've had a dry tickly cough for days now and it's starting to get decidedly annoying.

That's cack like. The pot should just be saying "You're black". Or "OMG LOL DARKIEEZ!!1!" for that forum-friendly feel.

Saw "Notes On A Scandal" at a dusty old university lecture hall of a "cinema" in Belgrade. Most bizarre. Anyway, the book was better.

On BBC News, I'd wager. The filthy swine!

Now that's just taking it too far!

So long as that pole's involved, eh? Providing it's not too bendy.

I'd leap six metres into the air and land on her inflatable crashmats any day.

They'll be grateful when they feed them 12 points at Eurovision every year, if nothing else... It's daft like: By contrast, I think Katrina and the Waves were greeted at Heathrow by two Soho gays and their chihuahua. People are still whistling the bloody Serbian song all around town. I wouldn't put it past them making it the new national anthem.

Which is why they win it and we send Scooch. I know what you mean though. When it comes to my Euro-fetish, it's like when the stereotypical well-meaning girlfriend sees you getting worked up about the football and points out that it's only 22 men running around after a ball - you know there's a grain of truth in what they're saying, but it sort of misses the point a bit. And besides, without Eurovision, the Gays would have to find some other vehicle for their Anthea Turner-inspired hostess and housewifery skills. Like, erm, the football. Maybe.

Just got in from the public reception for the winner in central Belgrade. 70,000 people singing along to the winner... it fair brings a tear to the eye, I tells ya. Even the repeated chants of "Serbia! Serbia!" weren't too intimidating.

Unless your date goes badly. Top Tip: Don't ask her for ideas for a Eurovision drinking game.

She did indeed qualify - Macedonia always do - and will be singing 6th. Which should be, ooh, just before 8:30 UK time if I'm any judge. And she's always been a she, to the best of my knowledge. Not the brightest spark though.

There's loads of ideas on Google. The voting's easy - everyone gets a country and you have to drink when your country scores points - but for the rest of it, hm... I'd say "drink whenever Wogan mentions Eastern Europeans and neighbourly voting", but that'd probably see you in hospital by about halfway through. I quite liked this, impractical though its implementation may be:

FYP Even that's being generous.

You should see the rest...

I've got about two dozen bets on obscure stuff like "Bulgaria not to qualify from the semi-final", so I'm really not the person to ask for a straightforward answer. I reckon the bookies have generally got it right tipping Ukraine and Serbia for success though. And Latvia are probably worth an each-way if you can still get them for 30s or better. Other than that it's anyone's guess...

It's that time of year again! The Eurovision semi-final is on BBC Three tonight (8pm kick-off), and more importantly, the grand final with senile old Terry is this Saturday at 8 on BBC1. Apparently the public humiliation of Scooch in front of a global TV audience has been deemed even more important than Doctor Who, which is saying something. Anyway, as is now (more or less) traditional, here's my feeble attempt to increase the UK's viewing figures by drawing your attention to the parade of continental lovelies you might encounter should you choose to tune in. Do indulge me on this... (yer Macedonian) (yer Hungarian) (yer Bosnian) (yer Georgian) (yer Moldovan) (yer Russians) Actually, there's really not that many this year. And most of them are going to get knocked out in the semi-final tonight anyway. Perhaps best focus on the alternatives instead: Like Dame Edna never happened Representing every provincial gay bar in the world Don't steal her truck It's going to be great! Honest...