Ruler of Planet Houston

"How many countries are there in this country?"

Indeed!

This time last year my new girlfriend was just moving in with me and I was very happy At the moment she is moving in with the arse hole she was cheating on me with so I am not as happy

I slipped a disc a few years ago and was pretty much paralysed for about 2 weeks. Had to walk with a walking stick for a few more weeks after that. Ever since then my back has been a fragile mess

Not funny but true

does my heed in the fact they do you for going 5 miles over. In my opinion, a safer driver is one that watches the road, not one that is constantly looking down at their speedo to make sure it isn't creeping up

he literally died laughing he died laughing Different meanings. However, most people use the word 'literally' incorrectly and that does indeed get on my hairy chebs!

Queue

just cut my grass and bought some big bottles of peroni. Settling doon in the garden watching the nutters fly past on their motorbikes!

is it the fact they capitalised th 'O' in 'orders'???

http://www.salon.com/2012/08/24/turning_orgasm_into_art/

Stander:

Your average stander:

There's your problem right there! When going back to front it doesn't mean you have to go in from the front between your legs and pull in a raking motion. You still take the civilised route of going round the back so you aren't pulling/raking or pushing. You are merely wiping gently but thoroughly. If you spray flecks at a 5inch throw then you are either doing the very uncivilised machine gun approach making several rapid wipes with the same (soiled after first) piece of cloth, or you have such bad coordination that you get your finger caught in your hoop causing a sudden catapult effect. Bad form!

ok. I just stripped and squatted into seating position, then using thumb and forefinger I measured the distance between hole and dangling sack. It was around 5-6 inches. Now how the fuck can people not wipe without straying 5 inches from the target? Women understandably should go front to back - it's just too close

This is pure stander talk and proof of my point. The stander doesn't have enough control to wipe his arse sitting down without plunging his fist round the u-bend. If trying back to front he carries the wiping motion on until it reaches his belly button. It's all about control which the relaxed, calm sitter has a lot of. The whole point of the wipe isn't to spread until it thins out, it's to remove much like you would remove the ice cream from a tub with a scoop. You scrape along so far then arc it out. It sounds to me like the front to back bunch support their shitball argument because they believe the correct way to wipe is to start at balls with clean cloth, then start scraping towards hole, passing the hole thusly smearing the soil up their crack towards their lower spine and only stop once the skid has thinned out enough to not show a mark on the towel visible to the naked eye. I would say the back to front (sitter only of course) will have a clean crack from spine to shaft whereas the front to back (sitter only, as a stander will just look like the inside of a blender) wiper will have a perfectly clean road from scrotum to 5mm distance from the hole and then a thick streak which narrows and gains a more fleshy tone all the way up to the coccyx. And I would wager there is probably a little dollop around the coccyx area where the multi stroke has formed a build up.

The argument the standers have is pretty lame: "How can you get your hand in there? How can you do it without dipping your hand in the shit bowl" The argument the sitters have is solid: "Standing will butter your cheeks and may even cause stray dollops that were hanging on an arse hair to drop into your jeans" The standers have no real come back as they know it to be true. Now, as a sitter and someone that cares I will put this into plain English exactly how we can manage this tough task so efficiently. And if the standers still can't do it then they may need to see an occupational health therapist to work on their fine motor skills. I presume we all start in the same way. Pants round our ankles and sitting. Slightly leaning forward whils sitting causes the cheeks to separate and, unless you are one massive mound of blubbery fat, there is no way you can nip them together - the only thing capable of nipping in this position is the cigar cutter. So you nip off the awkward one or let the decent one flow completely free. At this stage the toilet water is looking up at parted cheeks with a soiled hole in the middle. Now this is where the magic begins. (standers stand up and spread that soil hither and thither then wipe like fuck to bring their vanish stain remover bills down to a minimum) The sitter (contrary to HF's belief) keeps both feet on the floor, and assuming right handed, leans forward even more but towards 10 o clock thusly, if anything, parting the cheeks even beyond the normal partage. This in turn raises the right arse cheek from the lid leaving ample space to reach in without touching any part of the toilet with your hand/arm. Now the wipe occurs with a neat folded array of bog roll squares. Possibly due another debate of its own, in my case the wipe goes back to front. And for those of you that cry out "Shit balls", this is where the second part of the magic happens as the fine motor skills come in to play again. The wipe starts at the back, moves steadily forward towards the hole and upon reaching the hole starts to arc downwards towards the water, piss and shit...but not so exaggerated that you get a fist mark in your droppings. A good clean wiper will then look down between the thighs and see (because the raised arse cheek at the back lets the light reflect from the wall into the bowl) if the bog roll is soiled then release. This is repeated until looking down reveals a used but sparkling white bundle of toilet paper. This is when you know you are ready. Now som sitters pull up their strides at this point. Not me...I'm one of those that supports the final stand wipe for good measure. But before standing I will of course dab the japs eye to avoid any excess piss dripping into my pants. Now, as all us sitters know as FACT...this is how it works and it works well. If the standers try it and fail then that is their problem and probably due to several years of missed practice. Don't give in...you will get there one day. After all...the sitters mastered it as young children.

I would guess the standers are the same people that drop their pants around their ankles to have a piss too

impossible - x factor scum

I gave up bands a couple of years back. Too busy these days with work...but I might get back into it eventually.

I left for a gig on Friday evening around 4pm and didn't sleep until I got home on Monday morning at around 2am. I never slept at all for the weekend as I was the only driver and had to drive to 3 different gigs each night (middlesbrough to south coast then back to sunderland). I am pretty sure I nodded off on the motorway a few times but still woke up driving in a straight line. Never again!