Howmanheyman

Our possession has been garbage. Sissoko especially.

Think that was the only home game I missed that year due to fucking my back on the astroturf at Wallsend Sports Centre. (Maradona wasn't the only skillful genius that had to put up with rough tackles!)

A real crunch game for Pardew during the week, a game he'll be dying to win. Hope he has the same result as he did for us in the big games then.

I wouldn't say it's difficult, to be fair. I'd say it's more complicated.

The secret diary of Lee Ryder aged 44 and a half. 05/02/2015 Well diary, let's just say ah'm not breaking the official secrets act when ah tell you ah'm known as the Chronicle Casanova. Christmas do's at the old George are the stuff of Thomson House legend and Ryder always features well up the premier table. But......but......sure ah could tap up a starstruck bit of raggy in City Vaults with promises of meeting North East stars like Denise Welch, Pam Royale and Joe McEldery through my contacts in the Thomson House showbiz section, that would be easy, but.....but.......Ryder can't get a fellow media PR person out of his mind. The Anglo-Italian Fanny Rat, (Me Auntie Joyce married an Eyetie in the seventies) has been hit by cupids arrow and ah'm struggling to think of anyone else at the minute. Ah was coming out of a presser at the cathedral on the hill after arranging an exclusive interview with 'Iron Mike' Williamson which ah knew ma loyal readers would be fucking chomping at the bit to read about, it was to be a five year celebration of the man the Toon Army 'loved more than he could know' as the terrace ditty went, one time at Palace away. Anyways, ah was on me way out when ah bumped into her on the steps outside, near to THAT place where the man who sung 'Head over Heels' once fronted out a meeting with desperate Toon Army soldiers wanting to know why Goal King Cole had been sold to rivals Man Utd. Ah said Hi to Wendy and she replied in a voice that sounded like an Angel, "Hi, Lee! Nice to see you back! Lee Charnley is really happy with your stuff since you got back onside with the club! In fact I heard Peter Beardsley say he hadn't seen the club get such an easy ride from the Chronicle for years and he goes back to the days of whoever Alan Oliver was!" Wow!!! Praise from a Legend and praise from my PR Angel, Wendy! King Kev was brave on these hallowed concrete steps once upon a time and Ryder was about to follow in the Messiah's footsteps. Ah was about to chance me arm again. "Err, thanks Wendy, it's all in a days work, y'knaa. Giving the punters what they want, me and you, we understand that, Wendy. We knaa the dance, like. Ah sometimes think, well, y'knaa, me and you, we share this crazy world where everyone wants to know about Newcastle United. We live it every day, Wendy. Ah think that, well, mebbee, we could, y'knaa, with both being in this mad NUFC world, mebbees we could........." Just then a 4x4 Jeep pulls up and someone shouts out to Wendy that they're going to be late for dinner. It's a blokie! Wendy answers, "Hang on a minute Babe, won't be long." and with that she turns away and climbs into his jeep. Later on in the house ah can't believe how ah feel. Ah feel like ah've took a dig off the biggest radgie ah ever saw at an away game, ah'm winded here, like. with one hand on me whisky bottle ah get up and head for me CD rack. Me old faithful CD rack bought from PineWorld in the MetroCentre in 1994. ah don't even stop to look at what's on the Ryder playlist tonight. There can be only one CD tonight in this mood. There's definitely no jacket required as ah put on me old mate Phil on the CD player. How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh You're the only one who really knew me at all How can you just walk away from me, when all I can do is watch you leave Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears You're the only one who really knew me at all So take a look at me now, oh there's just an empty space And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face Ooh take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space And you coming back to me is against all odds and that's what I've got to face As ah listen to Phill pour his heart out all ah see is Wendy walking away from me and jumping into her Lads Jeep. Ah swallow the last of me Whisky from the bottle and turn the CD off. Ah can't believe how me stomach feels, like it's all twisted in knots. Ah think it's going to be hard sleeping when Wendy's all I can think of. It's eaten me up. Just then something sharp digs into me back. Ah takes a look and it turns out to be a DVD and not only any DVD but 'Budapest Babes auditions, Vol VIII'. Fucking Jackpot! Cockeyed Mala lent iz it a few weeks ago, it was a bit of Frankie Vaughan he bought when he went on that stag do in Prague. It was a thank you prezzie for arranging a drink with Pav ah sorted oot for him and his mates! Ah'd stuffed it doon the settee when me Ma popped round unexpextan, unexpexctant, completely by surprise! Anyways, ah'd been looking all over for it and before you could could say, 'Why's there a white snot on that dirty sock?' ah was cheered up and completely forgetting about Jeeps, PR lasses and Phil Collins iconic hit album. You canni keep a good Journalist down, we're just too resilient, especially us award winning ones. Anyways, later, diary, ah think there's still some lead in the old pencil for scene 4. lolz. Laters.

Sussed at last!

http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/sport/football/football-news/newcastle-uniteds-mike-williamson-made-8576393? Newcastle United's Mike Williamson has made it to five years at St James' Park - something few do

The very best of luck to them although, unfortunately, Ashley isn't the only cunt out there taking the piss out of HARDWORKING TAXPAYERS, wibble, wibble. (funny how that phrase is never used in conjunction with stories like this but only in 'scrounger' stories brought to you by the very best Murdoch has to offer from his media empire.)

Me too. Therefore....... 'Splash'

The Great Escape

The invisible Man.

01/02/2015 “Everywhere you go, You always take Cabella with you, Everywhere you go, You always take Cabella.” That was the crack in me Hull 0-3 Newcastle United write up ah’d finished the night before as Johnny Carver's Black & White Army got a tremendous away win. Ah knaa me loyal readers not only want the statistics and goals but they love me writing the Toon Army songs sung in the game and as one of them myself, I give them what they want. As ah got up the next day ah went to leave the house to get The Sunday Sun when ah noticed a parcel made up of newspapers on me front step. Ah took it inside, opened it up and it fucking reeked! It was a fish with a note on it! This is what it said; “Don’t print the ‘Dummet stands with the fans’ story. Or else!” Fuck me! Ah was gobsmacked! First off ah’d completely forgotten seeing big Dums in with the Toon Army so excited was ah about our win and secondly, who was trying to warn me and what did the fish package mean? Ah phoned up the Thomson House Crime reporter, Sophie Doughty for some advice, “Hallo, is that Sophie? It’s Lee…..What? Lee. Lee Ryder.” Ah tells her. She then replied that she thought ah was dead canny but she’d just finished a relationship and was going to chill for a while. “Nar, you don’t understand” ah says, “Ah’m not asking you out this time, ah need some crime advice!” Ah telt her about the fish and the message and she agreed to give me the number of one of her crime snouts, a bloke called ‘Billy the Fib.’ Ah phoned him up and telt him who ah was and where ah worked and promised him Sophie would sub him a tenner next time she saw him so he agreed to play ball. He said the Fish in a paper was an old North Shields message. He asked me if I knew any Haddocks? Ah said me Ma’s dog was called ‘Peter Haddock’ which ah named when ah was a young’un after the former Magpie Geordie defender. Billy the Fib said that was it then, he gans, “It means that if you print the Dummet with the fans story, ‘Peter Haddock’ will sleep with the real haddocks!” Fucking hell! Ah was being warned and Peter Haddock was in real trouble if ah went ahead with the story! Ah put the phone down and noticed a car slowly driving past and a man in his late twenties with a cream suit and a cream fedora hat on look in at me. Ah could’ve swore it was the Geordie hero, Stevie Taylor! Funny enough, later on he phoned me up and when ah told him about the fish he said he wasn’t saying it WAS him and he wasn’t saying it WASN’T him but if ah wanted anymore exclusive Steven Taylor interviews ah’d drop the ‘Dummet standing with the Toon Army’ kind of stories. When ah asked him why he was bothered the colossal Toon defender broke down and wept that he was the one who wanted to be the fans number one. Ah asked if he’d spoken to anyone about his worries and he told me he’d only told the Samaritans in a midnight phone call. “What did they say to you, Tayls?” ah said. “The Samaritan said he couldn’t take any more of my patter and told me he was away to jump off the Tyne Bridge.” Taylor replied. Anyways, ah smoothed it out with the Cullercoats Legend and promised ah’d mysteriously lose the Dummet story but gain a lifetime of Steven Taylor exclusives instead which was a hell of a result if ah say so meself. Ah just know my loyal readers will be beside themselves with antitic, antipash, will be really looking forward to reading all about the future England Captain’s thoughts. Laters.

Until you came along I thought Jose Mourinho was the only 'special' one.

What a fucking Knacker.

fucking hell.

The amount of free headers we allow is beyond a joke, like.