Howmanheyman

I'm sure most of those forum members meant well from the beginning to give them the the benefit of the doubt, but surely they must look through the minutes later and think, 'fuck me, I'm being taken for a right mug, here.' I couldn't just sit there and listen to their lame excuses and talk about fucking fan mail and public transport. Me arriving late to a fans forum.......

There's plenty of space between Rooney's ears if he's stuck for ideas?

He asked you of you had a soft spot for one oftheir rivals, he never called you a 'taig'. Stop putting sectarian words in his mouth as the lad has kept it out of his posts to be fair to him. He also hasn't bit at the digs at his club from some. Don't forget to add the USA gun love-in to your Ashley reason for getting stick.

Fuck off Phil.

I'm sorry to hear that, Stevie. It's a tough time you're going through right now.

The secret diary of Lee Ryder aged 44 and a half. 06/03/2015 Wow diary, just when you think things are just trudging along you get a little reminder of the mad world of Newcastle United and how things are never dull. As if playing the other pretenders who would be United from Manchester wasn't enough we get the explosive story of 'Spit-gate'. Every fuckers on this one from the local lads to the nationals to the entire world of football! Jonny Evans spitting at the Toon's Senegal hitman, Papiss Cisse who then spits back in barely concealed anger! Ah'm on this one quicker than an African cheetah chasing a rabbit or whatever it is they chase, ah divven knaa, a meerkat or something like that, but you canna compare me to a meerkat, market or even a mere cunt like Shaun Custis when there's a boiling hot story involving the black & white heroes of Tyneside! Ah quickly decide that ah have to go with another angle on this as Cisse quickly apologises and the club leave it at that with no more questions. The Manc wankers just tell me to fuck off when ah phone Old Trafford only saying that Jonny is a lovely boy who didn't do it on purpose and is too busy visiting orphanages in Salford and helping Grannies cross the road to the Arndale centre to do anything as rotten as spitting. Ah decide to give The Chronicle's entertainment editor, Gordon Barr a quick ring. Ah says to him, "How, Gordon! It's Lee Ryder, here! Can you help iz a minute, mate?" Barr answers back, "Lee, man! I told you, Elton John hasn't released any dates yet for the arena and even if we get any complimentary tickets, they have to go the readers as competition prizes!" Ah sharp puts him in my Spit-gate picture, "Nar, Gordon, ah'm not after them tickets any more, ah'm needing a showbiz number, mate. Can you help?" He replies, "Ok, Lee, I'll see what I can do. Hit me with it." Ah then blurts out the name ah want. Barr goes quiet and tells me it'll be tough but they might have the number ah want. He adds, "He's been off the radar for a bit, but I'm sure he played South Shields pier a couple of years back in one of their free shows." Ten minutes later Gordon comes up trumps and once again ah love the contacts you can get in the Ronny Gill, from crime reporters to entertainment, there's always someone there to pull some strings. After half an hour, ah ring the number Barr gave iz. "Hello? Bob here. Who's speaking?" said the Moustachioed entertainer from the eighties. Ah says to him, "Hallo Mr Carolgees, It's Lee Ryder from the Newcastle Chronicle, can you give me some idea of what drives someone to spit? Ah knaa you were huge back in the day mate, what drove Spit the dog to spit?" He then got really angry and accused iz of taking the piss before crying and telling me he was forever typecast and even celebrity Big Brother told him to fuck off when he was thinking of a comeback in the showbiz world. Ah thought to meself that ah was ganna get nee joy here so ah thought of another Geordie connection to the spit-gate scandal that was the talk of not just the Toon but the world. Ah remembered Rudi Voller and Frank Rijkaard having a spitting scandal back in Italia '90, so ah decides to drive up to Jackie Charlton's house in Northumberland to ask him what he thought as ah remember Jackie was on the telly as a pundit and said he'd have chinned Rijkaard if he'd tried that to him. Ah got up his front drive but started to get shot at so ah quickly used my hard won experience in battles as a Toon Army foot soldier and took evasive action a bit like that time when ah was in 'Nam against the Zulu's of St Andrews, those brummie hoolies were nee mugs and all big cunts, like. Anyways, ah shouted what was gannin on? Then ah saw a flat capped old bloke with a wax jacket on and a shot gun in his hand. It was Charlton! He said, "Get off my laind! Ah've a shotgurn in ma haind and ah'll blur yer heed off ya bugger, ya! You better not be after me fish in me back garden Are you a Toonie? Divven trust you buggers! Ah'll set the Durg on ya! Get off me property!" Ah couldn't get a word in and Jackie was gannin beserk with the old shotgun so ah decided to call it a day and just settle for a 'Five things we learned from spitting at each other' in the back pages of the Chronicle. Ah tried a different tack but me loyal readers are usually happy with what they know, ah knaa they'll lap up the 'five things' crack so as usual ah give them what they want, the Knight Ryder, the people's Champion. Ryder and out!

All correct of course but y'naa, scholesy, honesty, not that type of lad etc. Obviously ban the Muslim darkie of course, we can do without those foreigners bringing vile practices like that to the British game. Evans is ok, canny kid and all that.

Bless.

Blatantly copied and posted from Ryders match report.

Unbelievable.

I hope he gets a chance like riviere did.

Perez on.

Taylor's put some quality balls in.

Another very good chance wasted.

Johnny evans isn't that kind of lad but cisse is a disgrace according to Scholes.

I loved Obertan getting completely free on the break but wanting to stop to get a free kick instead. He's got into good wide positions at times but his final ball has been gash.

Riviere, man.

Never fails with the likes of these and chelsea. Refs in the back pocket.

I'd have strong fucking words with this commentator and his use of the word 'United' the fucking utter cunt.

It's all about man u for BT, mind.

For some reason that game reminds me a bit of the boro game we won near the end of the relegation season.

Fuck me how bad is foster in the west brom goal?

He's only been there a couple of weeks and he looks haunted already. Out of his depth and looking more frantic than the villa fans.

Sherwood's face.

Not quite spot on, I'd think they'd run out to this music.