Howmanheyman

He says they're just like scousers moaning just cos they had a hard time of it a few years ago. He also approached Jackie Mason in a comedy club for an autograph and some comedy tips but was put out when the Jewish comedian said, 'nice pen, shame about the blazer, my friend.'

Take no notice. Fish is just an adopted London snob who's just jealous because he has to pay 3/4's of his wages to live in a broom cupboard of a two bedroomed flat near Brixton which his landlord charges a supplement for as he won't share the cupboard.

Not the first thread they've had about which bars we're going to try and take. They then get outraged about which bars we'll not get in and argue among themselves nominating bars we might get in and getting their knickers in a twist over their own made up Mag rumours.

OJ Simpson didn't get away with as much murder as fucking Mourinho does.

England games, man. Shit commentary, 'Turin, scene of England glory with Michael Caine' shit background songs from Ingurland fans, 'cheer up Gordon Strachan'? Ian Wright, moon face Dixon, Andy Townsend etc.

They don't bitch, whine, moan and cheat, then?

I hope you're right, Parky.

The secret diary of Lee Ryder aged 44 and a half. 31/03/2015 Well, just when it goes quiet around the roller coaster ride of NUFC then along comes a derby, the financial results and an unexpected interview with a Toon legend. Ah was nipping into Gosforth for a lunch time special chinkees at Poons which Eddie Eats had recommended to me the other day in the Thomson house bait room. It's not often that the fat cunt turns his nose up at any kind of bait but even he seemed to be drooling at their Hot & Spicy Chicken with Chilli & Sesame Oil with a portion of fried rice and prawn crackers. She-who-must-be-fed, (or Mrs Eats to you and me), had Sweet & Sour King Prawns. Ah was obviously going to ask for mine to have extra chilli on as the Ryder has everything extra hot on account of not being a puff. Anyways, as ah was walking down Gossy High street ah heard a Spanish sounding voice say, "No! It's NOL-berto SOL-ano, not NOR-berto SOR-ano" to a confused looking fan who couldn't pronounce Nobby's moniker. Right enough, it was our old trumpet playing Peruvian hero of yesteryear. "How! Nobby!" ah shouted ower the road. "Can ah have a quick chat, mate? It's Lee! Lee Ryder of the Chronicle! You remember me, mate?" Nobby said aye he did and agreed to have a quick chat, ah quickly said ah'd get to the other side of the road but Nobby said ah was already ON the other side of the road before chuckling to himself. Great craic as ever from the Nobmeister. He ended up going into Poons with me but just had a bottle of Tsingtao beer as he'd already had dinner. Ah was halfway through me scran when Nobby said the Toon would have to spend the new profits they'd announced on players as the team was "leetle bit sheet, Senor Ryder". Ah'd completely missed the news about the profits but Peru's finest export was filling me in on the details which yet again just showed how vital it was having the right contacts and one of the reasons some of us won journalistic awards and some of us named Cameron, Edwards or Caulkin, err, didn't, lol. Ah quickly buzzed Cams when ah went forra piss and he confirmed the story and said he was going to do piece on it whilst ah telt him ah'd get the legends take on it as well making up a 'five players we can buy with the £18M' write up. Poor Cams would get the boring accountant stuff, ah'd get the Legend/player speculation story which ah knew forra fact me loyal readers would lap up far more than the Maths geek shite Cams was getting stuck with. Fuck me diary, ah was only going forra chinkees yet ah got an unexpected NUFC gold plated story handed on a fine China plate! Ah was ganna do a piece on derbies of the past and give Micky Quinn a bell for some quotes but as ah was ahead of the game ah thought ah'd save it for the morra and head off down the club instead forra a few post scran bevvies and a game of Jimmy Juker instead, aye diary, up there for thinking, doon there for dancing! The boy Ryder, keeping one step firmly ahead of the rest! Laters.

A thread on how it will be chaos on sunday with Mags everywhere. Then one saying they (i.e. us) used to do as we pleased a few years ago at Roker. Then they start to argue amongst themselves with one or two telling of Mags in their end and small skirmishes and others saying it never happened. (It did). If you ever want cheered up go on RTG.

CT would be a shoe-in for this if he ever applied or went for an audition.

No he won't.

Hands up! If you use right Garde, hands down if you don't.

Will we be able to afford Garde now?

I'm still a supporter of Newcastle United or what it was. Ashley will not get a penny from me and hasn't for a good couple of years. Makes no difference? It does to me.

Where's the missing millions? Expect a limited number of journalists to ask this including the local boys.

I thought it was Cat who got the cream? What?

£50M? £30M? No, £18M and no budge on INTEREST free debt. Hats off to Mike and the crew.Vindicates Sundays decision to fuck the derby off and keep the money myself. A bit like the club.

"So there's this great new tomato dolmio/lemon sauce recipe! And it's only available in Boldon!! How lucky are we, Marra?"

You want to see what they do with lemons round his neck of the woods.

.......A few pints later.......... Poor Kid: "Err, no, Mr Howmanheyman, I've no idea how many fans Arsenal brought up in 1988-89 when they were going for the title?" Howmanheyman: "Well it's your team! You should! Ya Da from Islington or something?"

My twelve, nearly thirteen year old daughter has her boyfriend around. He's a shy, nice enough kid. I'm really doing my best here and luckily am going out very soon for a few pints with workmates but the kid has a fucking Arsenal away shirt on. I'm fighting myself not to say anything here, like. I hope he's not here when I come back with a few beers in my belly.

I think we may be both on something, my dear Fist.

Getting fucking tedious reading match going fans moaning about boycotting fans moaning about match going fans now, mind.

Hang on a minute, Stevie goes and CT breaks his silence all in the same afternoon.............? No wonder they're never spotted in the same room!

My diary was chocka block anyway whenever it was. Sniff.