Howmanheyman

For fuck sake, someone give him some reviews, man.

"Ah prefer ma Whisky wi Scotland's finest, Irn bru" Piss heed thread or snobby drinkers thread? YOU decide!

Saw a weird looking band in my local the other day, they had all the Teddy boy gear on and were playing old covers like 'Three Steps to heaven', 'Blue Moon' and 'Let's go for a little walk, under the moon of love' etc. They were all dressed like Teddy Boy's with one weird exception, their heads and shoulders was covered by a Burka. Everyone one of the band! It started to make sense when I saw the band's name on a set of drums.

It is if you want it to be, sweetcheeks.

February, mores the pity.

http://www.themag.co.uk/the-mag-articles/newcastle-midfielder-tells-banned-paper-stop-making-stories-vurnon-anita/? The secret diary of Lee Ryder aged 44 and a half. 05/10/2014 Well diary, ah had a bit of a field trip today in the never ending quest to keep my readers up to date with all things black & white, where did ah gan, eh? St. James' Park? Benton training ground? a NUFC presser? Nah, none of that shit, Ryder's well ahead of the game, ah set off to the Metrocentre to kill two birds with one stone, one is to get some NUFC info, the other is to get me Mam something forra birthday. Ah walk into Nando's to get some scran and then eat and wait, ah wait to grab a surprise interview with the first player that I see in there. Ah'm no mug, ah knaa there'll be one along soon, there always is. Ah'm halfway through me Butterfly Burger, a freshly baked Portuguese roll loaded with skin-on, flame-grilled chicken breasts, topped with tomato and lettuce. It's big. It's available on its own or with 1 or 2 regular sides. Ah plumps for garlic bread and fries on the side and have the chicken extra hot as what's the point in being a fanny? Anyway, as ah says, ah'm halfway through it when bingo! Mehdi Abeid walks in! Ah grabs me plate and sits next to him, "Mehdi!, How's it going, mate? Great game the other day, mate! Fucking class you looked." Abeid starts to say something about fancying a Burger King instead and is about to make a sharp exit when ah have to interrupt him as ah spot a little black waiter walking past the table, "How! Chief! Can you give iz another bottle of Sagres beer? Cheers, Sinbad!" All of a sudden, the 'Waiter' stares at me and says, "IT'S YOU!!" Ah then look at him properly and fuck me, it's only Vurnon Anita! Bastard! Ah'd only written a story about him being sick at being dropped and kicking Pard's door down. It was my nark, Remi streete who told me but ah was only half listening and it turns out it was a pile of shite. Anyways, 'Big' Vurns doing his nut. "You are a dishgrashe to your profeshhhsion! How could I kick ze door down when I am only five foot four, for shure." I bite the bullet and leave hoping for better luck later on. I do however, manage to buy me Mam a nice vase from the Swarovski shop so it wasn't a totally wasted trip. The chicken butterfly was canny anarl. Laters.

Fish, I know these type of films are the genre you love, but you'd be in one hell of a dilemma if they made a new superhero type film called 'SuperScouseMan'.

Oh! And congratulations to Andrew. It's an exciting time getting your first place. (Mind, they reckon the local ice-cream van plays this music......)

My mate had a YTS job in a morgue when he was 18. One day out of curiousity he lifted up the blanket on a good looking deceased woman to see what he thought was a prawn on her fanny! He went running through to tell his supervisor that there a prawn on her 'front bottom' and when the supervisor saw it he laughed and said, "Son, that's a clitoris, not a prawn!" My mate seemed a bit embarrassed and mumbled, "Well it definitely tasted like a prawn." I'll get me coat.

I bought a £15 ticket a couple of years ago on the day of the game v Swansea, my daughters ticket was a fiver. Wasn't well advertised and was in the section where Swansea had sent tickets back from.

Preferred the old title. Sniff.

http://captiongenerator.com/25553/The-Ryder-Diaries

I blame him living in London and going 'native'.

The secret diary of Lee Ryder aged 44 and a half. 01/11/2014 Another day, another dollar, another day of feeding the monster that is the Toon Army with their never ending appetite for all things NUFC. Ah decided ah'd go a bit retro again, and like Kylie, Ah'd 'step back in time' to 1991 and a certain Argentinian, who, like Pards recently, gave youth a chance, yep Osvaldo Ardiles, or Ossie to the Toon Army. Ah get his number out of the little desperate black book and give him a ring. When he finds out ah'm from the Chronicle he wants to talk to his old friend, 'Meesta Geebson'. Ah tells him it's ok he can talk to me but he's not having fucking any of it, so eventually ah just tell him that John Gibson died in a boating accident in Leazes Park and I had power of attorny over all his articles as his Grandson. After five minutes of tears and sobs over Gibbo ah get all the crack ah need on the likes of Thommo, Robbie Elliott, Stevie Watson and future NUFC boss-in-waiting, Lee Clark. As ah leave the Thomson House ah pass the 'late' Gibbo as he has an appointment with Mr Glenfiddich in The Bacchus. Anyway, the most important thing today is getting invited to be on the 'Total Sport' show on BBC radio Newcastle with Simon Pride, ex-Newcastle right back, Woah Johnny, Johnny, Johnny Anderson and according to the shows reseacher, other 'carefully selected' North-East sports media reporters including yours truly. Ah looks forward to debating NUFC stuff with the likes of Niall Hickman, George Caulkin, Simon 'JFK's cunt' Bird or Luke Edwards when ah get there, it'll be good practice for when ah finally get on Sky's 'Sunday Supplement'. Anyway ah get shown into the studio and who are the other 'carefully selected' North-East sports media reporters? Fucking Steve Wraith and the True bastard Geordie! Ah cannot believe they'd get me on the show with these deadbeats. Honestly, ah cannot get a word in edgeways, True Geordie starts ranting and the beepometer on BBC radio Newcastle goes through the roof, then when he lets up, Steve Wraith starts talking about his chats with former NUFC FA youth cup winning striker, Joe Allon before going on a twenty minute monologue on the Fucking Krays and their 'Geordie connection'. Ah says "what Connection is that, Steve? Did they watch an episode of Auf Wiedersehen Pet in Maidstone Prison?" Next thing we're face to face, former bouncer Wraith and former Toon Army foot soldier Ryder. Anyhows, John Anderson steps in and threatens to chin us both if we don't sit down so we respect the Legend and cool off. Ah still can't get over these two getting on the same show as me, like. The BBC must be dumbing down.

http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/sport/football/football-news/newcastle-united-always-me-says-8035396? The secret diary of Lee Ryder aged 44 and a half. 28/10/2014 Ah bumped into me old schoolmate, cockeyed Mala, while I was buying a saveloy dip from Dicksons for me dinner a couple of days ago and he mentions that he's off to Prague and if ah could mebbees give Pav a ring so's the lads could have a pint with him somewhere? Ah hear Mala's sis, Sonia has divorced and she was canny smart back in the day so a Ryder plan starts to come together and just like Hannibal from the A-Team, ah'm going to love it. Ah was struggling a bit for me write up as the NUFC ban was starting to cramp my style and even Stevie Taylor was a bit more shy now he's getting a game again, so inadvented, err, inadverted, err, completely by accident, Mala gives me a great idea to fill the back page with an easy story and get in his good books so he can put a word in with Sonia! Mala might be cockeyed but when it comes to NUFC articles and tapping the fanny, Ryder has twenty fucking twenty vision. Before ah gets the train down to Manchester for the tie of the round, Man City superstars v Newcastle Utd's likely lads, Ah get Pav's number from Ollies little desperate black book and give him a ring. Ah tell Pav that Alan Oliver is my Dad and could he meet me mates for a bevvy? Pav's cush and agrees as well as giving me permission to put his name to whatever shite ah put in the Chronicle. Belta! Ah bells Mala and tell him where to gan to meet the former Toon shot stopper and gets Sonia's number back in a text! After that it's a pretty mixed night, on the one hand, Rolando, Moussa and Ryan Taylor have a night to remember alongside 3,000 deliourass, deliaress, ecstatic Geordies, on the other, Sonia texts me back saying she's going out with a sales rep from the Jennings dealership in Gateshead. Bastard.

Need to change the thread title to 'fans don't feel the same about stuff'.

"Bring out your dead, exhausted!" Poor bairns are shattered, like.

Had headaches all week getting worse towards weekend, been up at 3am last two days and now I'm joined by both daughters who've been throwing up all night. The Wife is going to have to up her game today, like.

BT lads devastated. Look at their faces, just look at their faces! Should've had two men sent off now. Ha ha ha ha. Pathetic.

Hope we don't regret that chance. Good play though.

Think we've been pretty solid and have tried to break on them and have players who fancy it. Struggling to see Anita getting back into the side, unfortunately might see Williamson at some point if that knacker Taylor gets a second yellow.