Howmanheyman

Well there was a rather quaint little château down Avignon I had my eye on but you've put me right off, now. I'd be scared to even have a single thought in English let alone a conversation.

He may be a bull's Clem, he might be a grinning Tory shithouse class traitor, he may be to cooking what Gary Glitter was to babysitting, he may have a head the shape of the front of a 1950's racing car but by jingo, he's OUR special CT. Happy birthday and don't dribble any food down your chin.

People's been sacked for turning up after they've threw up or had the shits. Much easier to phone up, tell them the score and then let them instruct you to stop off for X amount of days.

Not my doing! Them's the rules, sackable offence if I turn up and am caught out. Honestly!

An old wifie goes into the doctors complaining about some discharge she's having. Doctor says no bother, he puts on some rubber gloves and puts some fingers in her......(is Cath around?).......err, 'honeypot' .....and asks her how does it feel? The old dear says it feels wonderful but the discharge is in her ear. I've an ear infection.

I know Neville was pretending! Neville bumps into Cheryl and Jill, you bump into Souness. Where did it all go wrong, Rob?

No, although funnily enough I was out last night. There's strict hygiene rules at my place and I'm leaking bodily fluid out of one my orifices. As Rolf used to say, 'have you guessed what it is yet?'

Enjoying an unexpected day on the Pat and Mick. Feet up pissing around with spotify.

Hit - The Sugarcubes

A chippy called Neville, you say? Their lass wasn't called Brenda by any chance?

It's a pity you couldn't have had those fish things in your ears a la 'hitchhikers guide to the galaxy'. Mr Patel: "sham dam diddley tak tak .......(Gemmill puts fish in ear)......Howay Indira, this honkeys taken the piss with his asking price, lad's got some neck on him, what with his cock of Chinese proportions and his obsession with us looking at his roomba as part of the house. I'll get wor Jamill to come round and offer fifteen grand under, then I'll phone the daft cunt up and offer him eight grand under. Up there for thinking, doon there for dancing, pet......(Gemmill takes fish out of ear in horror)......sham dam gura woola."

Dear Prudence - Siouxsie and the Banshees

Renton-lite to be honest.

I knew pretty much straight away they wouldn't be making an offer, they couldn't get out quick enough, said it was above their top line. They're coming from a two bed flat and mine's a five bedroom with new bathrooms and new kitchen. You've got to look I suppose, just in case you can find the extra money but the feedback was it way out of their bracket, the estate agent even apologised. @@Gemmill, how hard is it to arrange a viewing?

Apparently the couple who viewed our house yesterday loved it but can't afford it. Why fucking view it and have us busily tidying up on my day off with a bad back?

Aye, what a hero.

Just got a letter from my bank giving me £244 for a PPI claim I put in a couple of years ago, its a recalculation, think I originally got £130. Better than a poke in the eye, I suppose. Well done, Renton. Was your paper on hijabs or Corbyn?

No, that could upset some of the drivers darker skinned customers. A panama would do.

'It's absolutely shite' still winning the poll. Carry on.

They're all yes men, that's why they're in the jobs they have, man.

A bit disappointed that uber driver didn't offer to wear some kind of hat if you found his appearance unsettling, tbh.

Motivation for our superstars? As if. A night out with Rihanna/Tulisa* if they win. A night out with the Fish if they lose. *just guessing a footballers shag wish, tbh.

It's like a spider has fell in some ink and walked across your notepad.

We know that, man. We're just indulging the fish's hypothetical question.