Howmanheyman

The secret diary of Lee Ryder (aged 44 and a half) Transcript of live feed Twitter broadcast. (Edited by the evening chronicle) Lee Ryder: "Welcome to our outside broadcast and today we're in the sweltering heat and absolute vastness of the Arabian desert to discuss the s**t hot news of the takeover at Newcastle United football club. I've flew out here to dig deep and find out about the movers and shakers but am taking time out to answer all my loyal punters questions at this crazy time in magpies history. Fire away!" Troopz1967: " I've heard it's all a parcel of s***e and fatty is even now chiselling all the lead off the pipes in St James' park to sell at the quayside market." Lee Ryder: "Alright, Troopz? Troopz, let me tell you, some of my sources here in Abu Dubai are Adam and the ants it's all happening, wor kid." MalcolmNUFC: "Have you got to any of them harem's yet you dirty c**t? Giddup!" Lee Ryder: "Not now, Mala, I'll bell you after. Laters." ChristmasTree@clubtropicana: "Will the Sheikh open up a fans social club?" Lee Ryder: "My sources say there'll be massive investment not just in the playing staff but also in the community. Get the domino cards at the ready, Christmas Tree!" AntCOYBIG@TaytoCastle: "Sure I'm not even from Newcastle but I can see Tynemouth Priory in the background. You're not in the middle east." LeazesLad: "It's DEFINITELY King Edward's bay. What a weapons grade f*** nugget this kid is. You could pick 100 random people in the toon and they'd have more clue than you. Not even joking." Lee Ryder: "Err, I can see your confusion, Ant. That's not Tynemouth priory, and I'm not on the beach at King Edward's bay, I'm in the middle east in the desert and that's an, err, old French foreign legion fort that was over ran by Arab warriors in 1865 or something." Josh@ThomsonHouseaccountsdept: "Hi Lee, just a quick one. I've got your expenses for an all day metro ticket to the coast for today but you'll need a receipt for your food and drink at the 'Gibraltar Rock'. Cheers, mate." Lee Ryder: "Err, I'll see you tomorrow at the canteen when I fly back from Abu Dubai, Josh." SheilaRyder1948: "Lee, I'm popping in to the Harbour View. Do you want anything for your tea? I just fancy a chippy. Love, Mam. X " Lee Ryder: "Well, err, that's it for now for my outdoor fact finding mission in the land of Lawrence of Arabia. Until next time. Laters." Lee Ryder: "Can you get me a carton of curry with my fish and chips, mam?"

Bellamy will all of a sudden embrace his NUFC time and remember all the good times I'm sure. Camel face Ferdinand can get to fuck the absolute phoney cunt.

I'm in two minds whether this fucker is actually having us on and is actually quite a funny bloke. Hard to tell with them.

Mackem Rap for Major Major: Ahm a lyrical gangsta from Sunalin way, Never quite sure what ahm going fucking say, Whatever it is, it'll make no sense, Mackem logic, real nonce-sense. About the Mags and Wemb-er-ley The checkatrade and division three, They've never been there since 1999, 2000, 2018 or 2019? I've lost my rhythm, marra, where was I at? Ahm a fucking lower league fan It's as simple as that. The Don is here, he'll sort us out, And what about Methvin, give him a shout! He said Charlton had more fans than us, Said their lads made all the fuss, I reckon a Mag got in his head Made him talk all that shit instead, Cos you can keep your Rafa and your Awab Sheikh, We've got the Don and Charlie and Jack Ross, mate. Ahm not obsessed, ahm not a loon, Ah only wish I was from the toon, Ah shit! ah've said it, it's coming out, Ahm in me muthas bedroom, Knocking one out, In her boyfriend's nufc top, And it's no joke, Those black & white stripes, man Ahm on the vinegar stroke.......Efffffffffff Teeeeeeee.......Emmmmmm.......(flap, flap, spurt).

Is this the love affair over? Expect swillings and glassings next as the penny drops with the locals.

"The deal is done." Said the man whose Grandad starred opposite Peter O'Toole as an extra in Laurence of Arabia in Hollywoods blockbuster in the fifties once. /Knight Ryder

Joselu : "I'm happy here and will fight for my place."

Mackem cat reckons there's a Mag in the stands. He personally saw a scuffle, a lads fan clipped him. Probably took his top off him. Mag acted the cunt chinning very young lads fans and children. Definitely a Mag. I'm positive it happened, marra. He got a right howking off a lads fan. That'll teach the gravy Mag fan.

At fucking work and this is the news about NUFC? I'll believe it when it happens and as has already been said, sports direct signs are getting crowbarred of the walls with street urchins and grandmother's spitting and kicking at them whilst charnley's marched down barrack road in stocks getting jeered and pelted with rotten fruit.

It was 20 mins a game early on or 20 mins each way like you say. Can't remember which one now. We beat Liverpool with a pen from Spotty then got knocked out next game by 4th division Tranmere.

And even some scuffles can't spoil the friendship as, of course, it was those pesky Mags to blame, darn it!

Amidst the disappointment a new bond develops.....

That doesn't count, FFS. Wasn't even a 90 min match. (However, if it does count, great. We beat Liverpool so our last Wembley success wasn't the 50's after all.)

At least they get another chance to go to Fleetwood and listen to captain pugwash's theme tune again so it hasn't been a total waste for them.

Anyone for pudding?

Wigan?

I can only think of seven? Norwich LC Swindon play off Liverpool FA cup Charlton play off Man City LC Portsmouth checkatramp Charlton div 3 play off Which one have I missed?

Seven in a row, marra. (Wembley defeats).

Not sure about you lads but I'm absolutely jealous as fuck not getting beat twice in two lower league finals at Wembley. At least that NUFC shirt wasn't burnt in vain.

Just dropped my daughter off and put BBC Newcastle on in the car. Gabbiadini absolutely gutted trying to blame the ref whilst 'Sweet Caroline' blares over the tannoy.

Had a cracking stream on the phone, missed the goals but after ten mins or so I just couldn't take any more of this shite, like. The standard of football is fucking lifting. They're in big trouble no matter what happens today. Obviously be funny as fuck if they get beat but after seeing them v Portsmouth for 45 mins and this I'll still sleep OK should they go up. How any sane person would think we could be jealous of this? It's like being jealous of all the north east non-league clubs that always get there in the FA Vase.

Walker's sensations have the same flavour so they must've been ahead of their time.