Howmanheyman

2unlimited?

Can you get it by guzzling semen? (Asking for a Scottish political reporter)

(Rayvin incoming in five, four, three.....)

Ordered a Chinese takeaway and went to the door to collect it as you do and the fucking Chinese lad started screaming 'Isolate! Isolate!' I said, 'Chill oot Jackie, I only rang up for it 20 mins ago.'

I'd just changed my daughter's nappy and was just finishing feeding her a bottle and she was just drifting to sleep and I was knackered. I was holding her with my left arm, silently screaming and clenching my right fist desperately trying not to wake her up in my silent celebrations.

Once got talking to some bloke from another department with a mate and as I obviously didn't really know him my mate said off handedly, as the bloke walked away 'Thats such and such, canny lad, he's one of the Jackson five'. When I asked wtf he was was going on about he just explained that throughout the years five bloke's had all been with a married wife working there called Jackson. 'The Jackson five'.

It's probably for those with a bit more stamina.

A place I know, who are staying open but only for people who actually strike a bat, have decided to stagger starting times by department to help keep people apart. So now when people come in, some earlier, some slightly later, there's going to be other departments finishing and getting changed next to the incoming shift thus making things worse for distancing. >Insert the laurel and Hardy theme music I put on for toonraider2 here<

Get yourself along to sports direct. He's keeping it open to help the UK's fitness effort. #unsung hero.

I love carpets, me.

This was on the government Twitter feed which has now been disabled. As clear as mud and contradicting Johnson's speech.

In two months time: "Hello there, Boris here, in this unprecedented time with a global pandemic still being fought, with the nuclear fallout from ex-President and current inmate at San Jose death row, Donald Trump who accidentally pushed the red button thinking he was getting Fox news instead, through to the invasion of the killer tripod aliens and their attempt to farm humans for their dietary nourishment, I once again call on everyone to stay calm and at home. Non-essential manufacturing workers can use our new interactive map which highlights radio active fallout hotspots, Covid-19 hazard areas as well as alien blindspots where their antennas can't smell human prey to plan their journey to work. Thank you."

Watched an hour or so of the maradona film. Absolutely superb so far and very amusing as well. The life he was living in Napoli would've driven anyone insane. Was interesting seeing him alongside his dad when he was in his 20s as he's the spitting dabs of his old man now.

Me and the eldest daughter still at work. She's at a pharmacy and I'm, err, not. There'll be a zombie apocalypse coupled with a nuclear fallout and they'll still be asking if anyone wants any blob at my place.

Watched the first episode of the new Westworld last night, Jesus, it really needs to improve! (I liked the the first series, 2nd one wasn't bad either but if this is a taster of the other episodes then it's not looking good).

It's a good job I can't afford a holiday. What a lucky break!

Had to get up to clear my throat and get some water, no coughs or temperature just a bit of a headache. The only Corona present at the minute is in my fridge.

@PaddockLad I had a bit of drink last night little knowing a cold was coming on so don't feel like it tonight but bored shitless and want to. @Gemmill £35 for four meals you have to cook yourself?…....

Hold on a minute.....You mean it doesn't include the ingredients getting delivered? Before I'd seen the cost I just assumed it was the correct amount of ingredients delivered for specific meals?

Byker sands is lovely in July.

Actually after watching a bit of the very first episode of curb your enthusiasm ages ago I'd give it another go but it's only on Sky/ now. I've got now TV just for the sports paid up front till June, instead of asking for a refund I was prepared to swap it for the entertainment or whatever but there's more chance of SETI getting any evidence of intelligence from space than getting any sign of life from now. Shockingly bad service. Nobody to actually speak to it's virtually all done online. (This is me to now TV.......)