Howmanheyman

Ok, so you made 21 goal contributions, two more in the cup plus got us a few penalties.....? LTA:

The Swiss manager looks likes he's about to sprinkle a bit of salt on a steak in a contrived fashion.

You photograph it in the brain library, man.

Fuck it, I told a ghostly tale about hearing Roman hobnail boots coming home in Wallsend on a dark, foggy autumn morning, (explaining where I was in close proximity to the original Roman wall/fort) and I kept a straight face to their awed faces whilst wor lass was nipping me in the pool and later on telling me off for bullshitting them. I said they loved it, man.

I remember a lad from New Orleans telling me he was Irish then asking me to draw a map of Ireland for him. Another said something to the Mexican lad behind the bar and after I gave him some advice he said, "You're Australian, right?" Others who were obviously friendly people and spoke soon made their excuses and left when my (very watered down) accent blew their minds and they just couldn't compute. I could come out with a few more tales but I can't be arsed to type them out. They're fucking mental like.

It's cheaper as well.

The atmosphere in the family enclosure was pretty good to be fair, they were even stuck into an arsenal knacker a couple of years ago.

I hope your sunglasses are proper blackouts and your eyeballs aren't sore from looking to the left or right to the general direction of your head.

This German on ITV looks like he's been on an ITV sport vox pop in a Berlin Aldi and they've decided to promote him into the studio for 'local flavour'.

Been a great game this Croatia v Albania match. Almost over and the 2-1 to Croatia is a bit harsh on the Albanians. They've equalised!! 2-2.

Just wondering, TP.

Fair do's, fish. 'Lol.'

Were you in Sainsbury's in Heaton this morning? (Just asking for no particular reason). I've never seen a supermarket with as few people in have a very high percentage of awkward cunts somehow getting in my way in aisles where there was only one or two other people in. It was like they were watching me and jumping in the way as I went to get something.

The Very public diary of the Very real journalist, Luke Edwards, keeping it real "Dear diary, Bladdy hell, it's getting harder, it really is. I feel like I'm juggling plates all over whilst trying to do the chicken dance on my phone. I'm out there digging away for some legitimate scoops, not just regurgitated quotes about what Simon Jordan said on talk sport, (I'm looking at you here, evening chronicle sports team), then getting myself out there on social media to wind up fans, especially a few of the thick ones who aren't a threat yet you get the likes of wykiki retweeting sports bible and shit like that trying to pretend they're real sports journalists. I can laugh off the likes of Ryder and Graves but the likes of burnsie can do one. Anyway, time for a twitter upload. Like Tom Jones said, I think I better dance now..... ..... Ooh, where's my Aldi Sauvignon Blanc? I'm all pooped out now!"

This is why I wouldn't get carried away too much with the new palace manager. He might be a quality coach who knows his stuff or he might've just got a good headstart by just not being Hodgson and getting them to pull their fingers out. Roeder got us to seventh from the bottom half on account of not being Graeme Souness.

5live, Ronaldo not getting the service. Some quality in that Portuguese side but they're just trying to accommodate a static number seven up front.

"Neyal goes to sto-ak and Potter prefers Leicester? What the fuck is going on, eya, like?"

She was last seen getting rattled by Arthur. Arthur B Regis.

1st televised game of the season on Friday night, 8th placed Man United at home to 13th placed Fulham because.... Errr......well....... Theatre of dreams.....err.......Gaz Nev has something on that Saturday so..... Amazed they haven't put arsenal on but have Brentford v palace?

I once had a look from a mackem behind a police escort, it wasn't a hiding but I still get goosebumps thinking of my close encounter with death.

Who's Mrs Spock discussing the foul on the keeper? 'its a foul, Jim, but not as we know it.'