Howmanheyman

"Wa formed Athletic Bilbo!" Athletic Bilbao: "The mysterious cabal of Tyneside businessmen said they'd add 'Sunderland' to 'Newcastle international airport if wa helped paya for it." One of the cabal: "Ahv heard KLD has made inquiries about Potter and that bloke from France." Potter: "In tha English civil war wa fought against the mags and that's why wa get fuck ahl compared to them." Legitimate historian: "The Mags would never have bent ova backwards and gave in because they were skint like us and neyded the money." NUFC board member:

Fair play to Liverpool to be honest, great photos and headlines from the BBC about the final yesterday, it really was ..... Won with a.... But they were.....

'Had to conka half the globe, marra. How else was wa gan to fom ahl thesyse forrin futbal clubs?'

@Kid Dynamite These DryRobe wearing cunts.... ✅

Errr, something, something..... Err..... Here's some dumplings boiling over.....

The cock sucking that club and the manc reds get is off the fucking scale, like.

🎶 Come sit down eeya, marra I'll tell you 'bout the Mags at work They dinna want Howe any longer They want that José bloke. Many tales I have to tell you Many fantasies relived Sometimes they are tragic Sometimes the green eye shows But always.... A happy.....six in a.... roooow. 🎵

"The fuck I've done?" /Blackburn-Fish

What the fuck is this 'foreva and Eva's shit these do these days?

You're fucking kidding me? Going to be another one of these brilliant pundit/commentator masterclasses again I see?

Fucking tremendous officiating.

Didn't see that outcome happening?

'They're all the same these MPs!'

We could do with Everton winning logically speaking but aye, wtf are Brighton doing?

"Hello, you're through to the office of Belgium physicians, how can I help?" "Belgium did ya say? Sorry marra, no offence but it's the Swiss lot am after eeya."

Some Chelsea cunt is taking these to the final on Sunday.

Chelsea though....

I'd love them to both lose. I'll not be watching it.

An improbable double would be lush, we're not finishing higher than seventh, can't see us winning the cup unless the favourites get knocked out by someone else so we just do the best we can, hopefully gradually get some players back without losing anymore and regroup in the summer. Beating these moaning cunts with nothing to really play for would be..... But we'll get beat, probably be closer than we think but can't see the current problems not getting exploited down there by their lot.

The secret diary of monkey's fist, aged 56 1/2 Well diary, there I was again. The seconds rolled into minutes, the fine drizzle started to pool up and I was getting wet. I stood on the kerb looking at the shop door, I'd waited for a wifey to come out so I could go in and buy this exxxtra special razzle with luscious Liz's breasticles on display but as she left and I was about to cross the road an auld cunt came from nowhere and walked in. I cursed and thought to myself, 'haven't you got a coffin to stop avoiding, you walking fucking advert for euthanasia?' but decided to just walk into the shop anyway and wait in there for the Percy Sugden lookalike to fuck off. I pretended to look at the newspapers on the bottom shelf as 'Perc-eh' was paying up. The newsagent gives him the change but then the auld cunt starts talking! 'fucking get out of the shop before anyone else comes in you fucking coffin dodger' I think to myself. Finally, finally he fucks off. I'm surprised nobody else has come in but it's dull, cold and wet so my luck's in. I reach up, using my wide hobbit-like feet for extra leverage groping for the razzle magazine with Liz smiling on the front cover with a banner covering her tits imagining what lies underneath? I quickly pay the the bloke whilst not making eye contact, pick up the dirty mag and stuff it into my coat then evacuate the building. I'm out! I get to the car then it's back home. Everybody is out so it's just me, Liz and Rosie Palm and her five daughters. The Steve McQueen's get dropped as well as the hondacrackas and I'm quickly going to page seven to where Liz's fiscal assets are going to be displayed. I open page seven and....hang on a minute, that's not Liz? I look at her and then the name and it says Liz Trusses! The fucking conning bastards!!! It was just a parody spread! All that fucking subterfuge at the paper shop for fuck all. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I just squinted my eyes a bit and gave it six nowt anyway. Whey, unlike Liz I can't just chuck good money away, can I? The Simian's fist got it's money's worth. Lol! Laters."

On ashworth and Ratcliffe, may their arseholes seize up and their balls fester.

I often find a 'Are yee for fucking real?' Followed by a gentle explanation gets the point across in an understanding way. (They understand by the initial sentence they've made a tit of themselves).