smoggeordie

The Times: THE BOARD of Newcastle United must have been watching that old comedy film, Airplane. There’s a scene where the stricken plane, flown by a troubled novice, is approaching the airport and in the control tower they are debating how best to help him land it. “Let’s turn the lights on the runway,” one advises, and the boss says darkly: “No, that’s just what he’ll be expecting us to do.” I assume a similar conversation took place at St James’ Park as the board considered the best way to undermine their new manager. Who should we bring in that would really screw him up? they thought. Suddenly, as one, they all said: Dennis Wise! “Perfect. But let’s not tell Keegan we’re appointing him until after the deed’s done. And then insist to him – this is genius – that he has to pretend to the press that he did know about it and is really, delighted. That’ll make him look even more of a dick. And have the players confused and dismayed just as they start their relegation battle against Middlesbrough.” The Tyne-Tees derby is an interesting affair, in a sort of state-of-the-game ironic sense. If Middlesbrough were Newcastle, Gareth Southgate would have been sacked in September and the team would be on their fifth manager of the season by now, and no better off for it. But Middlesbrough are not Newcastle; their fans, board and chairman are more rational, accustomed to being regarded as the third-string side of the northeast – despite regularly outperforming their hubris-stricken neighbours. For Boro, and their likeable manager and selfless chairman, Steve Gibson, avoiding relegation while playing attractive football with the best crop of youngsters in the Premier League would be a great achievement. And much though I thought it unlikely at the beginning of the season, an achievement that is beginning to look as if it might be realised. Newcastle, meanwhile, burdened with delusions, with intimations of greatness unfulfilled, expected a place close to the Champions League, as they always do. And, again as they always do, they’ve failed. Relegation would be a disaster, unthinkable, because they’re Newcastle. But they might pull it off. It’s happened before. Newcastle United wanted a manager who fitted with the image they have of themselves. If they’d wanted a manager who fitted in with the image the rest of us have of them they’d have swooped for Henry Conway, the homosexual fantasist son of the Tory MP Derek Conway, as soon as the story broke. Fur coat and no knickers. But their image of themselves is of latent magnificence, of Wor Jackie and Bobby Moncur and Supermac. Frankly, nobody is good enough for Newcastle United; if they’d appointed Jesus Christ as manager they’d have whined about him playing with a flat back four and quickly brought in Judas Iscariot to act as a “director of football”. A rational perusal of the long list of those they have employed to drag their team towards the heights of the Premier League would suggest Glenn Roeder has been by far the most successful in recent years, and against all the odds, too. But quiet, likeable, decent Roeder didn’t fit in with that image they had in their heads. It’s not so long ago I reported here that the disaffected Geordie fans were chanting “Roeder out, Roeder out!” – and on cue, there were anguished missives to this paper from the eastern end of Hadrian’s Wall. But within four weeks, Roeder was out. What, exactly, did he do wrong? He did better for you than you could have expected, at the time. Or better than any sane, rational, human being could have expected, which maybe isn’t quite the same thing. Bizarre though it might seem, the players seem to have a better grip on reality at St James’ Park than the fans or the board. None are interested in going there, as the January transfer window amply demonstrated. Those who do go there do so at the point of a gun, like poor Michael Owen. The long-serving, such as Shay Given, know they are in for a relegation battle. The rest do their damndest to get the hell out. Football’s thoroughly agreeable personalities are rare but, you have to say, Kevin Keegan is one of them. His return to Newcastle, I reckon, was motivated by a laudable romanticism. Every neutral supporter would wish him well, while musing that things don’t look too promising. Three games played, one goalless draw, at home to Bolton, and two heavy defeats. No goals scored, six against. I daresay a home defeat to Boro will end with the Keegan Out! chants ringing around the ground, Wisey smirking in the stand. Meanwhile Boro will continue with the admirable Southgate; the smallest of those three great towns of northeast football and likely, once again, to finish top of the pile. Come on, Boro. Tosser.

Don't give a toss if it means Spurs not winning

1-1 man u

I really liked it too. Thought it was a tremendous consolidation episode. Covered the events at the end of the last series brilliantly as well as asking lots of new questions.

Would like to see us go something like: Given Carr Taylor Cacapa Enrique Duff Barton Emre N'Zogbia Owen Viduka 2-1 to the toon

Defoe completes Pompey deal

Alves joined smogs

1 mill with view to permenant deal

Boro paying 13 million for Alves apparently.

CNZ going nowhere - Confirmed on SSN from a "member of Newcastle first XI coaching staff"

SSN - Interview with McKay. Probably shit stirring, wont happen IMO.

It will be for the money. If I enjoy it that will be a bonus.

1 goal in 7 3 wins in 18 Manchester United home and Villa away coming up soon. No new players coming in from what it seems.

Well it's in the Ronny

Unnamed by the club, but the first installment of £300,000 has been paid to Atalanta.

Keegan: “This squad is the best I’ve had and I mean that 100%. Bringing players in to better these, you have to be more selective. “We’re looking at both ends of the market, three or four certainties (who can play straight away in the Premier League) and three or four young chances. That’s what the club are trying to do and I think you’ll see that by some of the things that are being done.”

I'm actually astounded that some clubs HAVEN'T sent scouts.

Happy Birthday Dave.

Guess what pops up again today in the ronny: Keegan said that United had matched Middlesbrough’s £7m fee – and the $64,000 question is why Woodgate has not returned to United.

Interview with his Dad in the Sunday Sun saying he wanted to come to Newcastle to link up with Shearer but changed his mind when he heard Shearer wouldn't be assistant. If that's true then he can fuck off. If he doesn't want to work with the manager then I don't want him here.

London will be the major downfall of Woodgate IMO. Far too much temptation.

What a load of utter shite. Even Oliver would struggle to make an article that bad

That's a mammoth 'if'.

He signing for Spurs too?

Arsenal steward unimpressed at Keegan's Viduka impression.