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"Stevie, mug righter, all knowing weight scale of all the fanbases, are you there? Give us a sign, wor kid."

Hey lads Just had a message from one our fine members and I said something which I thought I’d share with you all. So.… One of the things I love most about here is that, even though we’re mostly total strangers to each other in real life, whenever one of us is suffering we come together like few places I’ve seen in t’interweb or real life. It’s my time to now be the recipient, and it really does mean so much to me, so thanks, each and every one of you. Even if you are a pack of twats

A-RAM-Co?

The sun will be high in the sky, radiating off the top of Slot's massive dome shining a concentration of light onto Salah's weave setting it alight in a blaze of black smoke and toxic fumes. In a panic Salah will sprint into the stands grabbing what he believes is a bottle of Evian from a Geordie supporter in the crowd. He will mistakenly pour the bottle over his flaming hair plugs and will realise too late that the clear liquid inside the bottle is moonshine snuck in to avoid the £20 pints in Wembley. With his entire top half aflame, Salah will recall that the fire brigade used to visit his school and remember the stop, drop and roll technique. Rolling about, screaming as he does this. Allison sees the commotion and sprints over to Salah, palming at the flames with his shovel hands. However, his gloves are highly flammable and combust on contact with Salah. Now both players, engulfed in flame, are put out with a fire extinguisher by "Trent", who is immediately shown a red card for using the black label extinguisher instead of the foam extinguisher like a fucking idiot. With all players off the field the game commences, whereby Newcastle United dominate.....and still lose 2-0.

Apologies, but one more . Here is LTA.

What really matters is that we took all 2.8 points home. Fucking statistics.

He walked away from Man U with a £4.1m payoff. Not bad for five months work.

Brothers funeral today, liver is going to take a beating worse than Arsenal later

If any of you know any curses, now is the time.

Huh.... OK THEN.

This has legs.

I predict that MOHAMMED SALAH and VIRGIL VAN DYK will emerge from tonight's game in pristine physical condition. Neither of them will snap a hamstring. Mark my words.

Anything can happen in a cup-final, so I’m going to break with tradition and say 5-0 to us.

Nice prediction, DICKHEAD.

Put here for traffic. I will probably be losing access to my ChatGPT soon what with my new job and NHS austerity, so I thought I make a loving compendium collage to all you toontasticers out there before they're lost to history entirely. Sorry if you're not on but there's not enough space for you all or possibly I can't think of a single interesting thing about you . Anyway, most have been posted but there's some new ones too @Alex @Isegrim @sammynb @Meenzer @ewerk. @wykikitoon was the easiest to do, he's on 3 times but really, they were all too good to be deleted .

So, rolling back the years here….does anyone want to explain Xpoints? how are we measuring that particular parcel of imaginary made up fuckin bollocks? 😀

Ha! Didn’t go!

"Welcome to the Etihad for Manchester City versus Liverpool and we'd just like to apologise to any viewers who may have heard or seen another game earlier on. Again, we can only apologise for interrupting your Liverpool football club build up but under contractual obligations we have to show it. Anyway, now for the main event...."

sounds like the day out from fucking hell to me.

Puma suedes are a classic shoe. I understand that news may have not got through to Ballykissangel just yet though

Absolutely delighted to see that they think they've been hard done to. Also I don't know what Slot said to the ref, but he went up to him, shook his hand and said something, and as soon as Michael Oliver had his hand back he produced the red card. So the stupid cunt has obviously thought he can make himself look like a great bloke for the cameras whilst sticking the boot in on the ref. Shiny headed knob.

You alright laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Who needs ChatGPT when we already have this image of him.

Leave him alone. He only started his new job in the area this week. He is struggling to integrate.

Looking forward to Broccoli Head Jr. Pleased to hear there have been some nice moments for you in a very shitty time. My gran died a year ago, and my mam is taking the house, but it has sat for a year while they sell theirs etc. All of my gran's stuff still in it. Anyway, the time has come in the last month to clear it out, so she's been there with my sister, obviously an unpleasant thing to do, as you'll know. Loads of memories and their entire lives in cupboards and drawers. Heartbreaking shit like taking their dressing gowns off the back of the bedroom door - my granddad had died a few years earlier, but my gran had never wanted to take his down. Anyway, at the back of one of the cupboards was a bag with an old handbag in it, and a note that my Gran had written to remind her that my mam and her (long dead) brother had saved up for weeks to buy this for her when they were teenagers. My mam was in bits, but she also feels like it was her final gift from her mam that she obviously treasured this thing for 60 years, that my mam assumed would have been thrown out years ago.

"Gemmill v The Broken Doll, xDs (divorces) Vs xBOs (Banning orders) Moveable object Vs Stoppable Force And IT'S LIVE!!!"

And let’s face it, Gemma has more x’s than most on here 😀

"Fucking geddoff'iz you fucking bizzie cunt, whaddiva done?" "Sir, I'm arresting you for a serious breach of not taking xG, xP and any other exes that gemmill mentions seriously. You do not have to say anything. But, it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence when ewerk dredges it up from his extensive toontastic database."

Unrelatedly, I have a new desk toy.

Lads I'm sorry for mentioming the smug bassist from Blur. Can we move on . FFS

Jonas presenting Bruno with the Most Fouled Player trophy brings a tear to my eye. Even more so when it's so clear how much it means to Bruno.

😂😂😂

Yes, make one of your great predictions that Salah and VVD won't get injured.. TYPE IT. POST IT.

Looks like the splash you get when you drop a massive one into the bog.

Thanks gents Sorry that I’m pretty much a one subject poster just now, but I suppose it’s a nice change from tiddies and well, more tiddies. We’re just about done with regards to the “heavy lifting” of everything to sort. Got a date and time for her funeral now, will have a venue confirmed tomorrow for the wake, and most of the house is bagged, sorted and ready to go. I met with her brothers and sisters today for a few hours where they told me about their memories of her, her early life, and how much she’d meant to them individually. Really glad I went, it was so nice hearing them speak about her. Also learned a few things I didn’t know, the funniest being that Ma Fist had worked at an illegal greyhound “flapper track“ in her early twenties, as a bookies clerk. She had frighteningly fast mental arithmetic tbh. Fucking no chance of pulling a fast one with pocket money Also Fist Jnr informed me that he is booked in for a perm… (aye, a fucking perm !) on Thursday. I told him that after the funeral, he could do whatever he chose with his floppy barnet, but if he was seriously thinking about getting one before it, to consider what he valued the most- artificially curled tonsorial stylings or functional and still attached genitalia. He’s thinking about it

Well it’s not good to rush into these things, as you illustrate beautifully

Toonpack, arrest this man.

I've got a trans kid. This place is a refuge from dealing with cunts like this on a daily basis. Get him in the bin

Toonpack out with his mates at the match.

I'd love to see richard masters penniless and broken, reduced to sucking tramps cocks in a back alleys for a bottle of white lightning cider, the fucking smarmy, corrupt tory cunt.

Went with Ma Fist to the doc to get her results from the 24 tube in her stomach test. Very positive outcome- she’s finally got a diagnosis and, as a result, has been put on a course of treatment for it. Doc reckons it’s possible she’ll see improvement within 24hrs. She’s been diagnosed with Oesophageal Dysmotility- basically her Oesophagus has been going in to spasm, preventing most food from reaching her stomach. She’s so relieved to finally know what’s causing her bother, and have a treatment for it, she got a little emotional when he told her. Fingers crossed now.