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So, let's try to guess which current central defender this SMB is talking about. Van Dijk? Stones, Diaz? Maybe further afield someone like Bastoni? No, he's talking about a mackem player. He's talking about Luke Onion.

"Ah embraced a vindaloo in the Koh-i-Noor with extra chillies after a few morettis in the market of Bigg following THAT win over the man who would be whinge, one Mikel Arteta once of Goodison park in the 1-0 win courtesy of one Alexander Isak who was the man who put the ball in the mackems net and then arsenal's net, as the knight isn't a puff and veg bhunas aren't for the trinity mirror regional sports writer of the year 2016, wor kid."

I don't want to kick him when he's down, but this is PL nowadays.

Sorry can't help

".....and the Pulitizer special award for outstanding video investigation story goes to....... ....... Lee Ryder from trinity mirror group regional section for his expose on how LOUD the Newcastle United fans were at Nottingham Forest......"

Fyp.

Fucking hell someone get Taylor and Bestie on the phone and let them know we’ve found him. They can finally finish their documentary.

Parked up outside of Sittingbourne in Kent. As I exited the ablutions hole, a lad pulls up in a van with, “Ask me about our famous Kentish Gypsy Tarts!” lathered all over the side. So I did. My mind was naturally thinking- “Wahey, man’s got a load of dusky cockney Salmas in the back, ready to read my palm then drain my sack!” Nope- they’re a local delicacy, apparently. The lad could obviously tell I was deflated, and instead of a blowy off Madam Zaza, he gave me a freebie (see above). The filling is brown sugar and evaporated milk, whisked to fuck, then baked in the case. Diabetus in a tasty bite. Hey ho, off to my “social media” to look up Gypsy Tarts, see if I can get the recipe…

You can't judge him off one photo, there's layers to the man.

Cootes is a shit referee but a cracking judge of character tbf.

I'm on it. Here ya go, LTA:

Fyp.

Never heard of him but Wikipedia states he is 5’8. if you believe the height police, we won’t have anything to do with him.

I’ve had the good fortune of listening to Talk Sport this morning. One scouser on raging at the blatant corruption at the PGMOL as evidenced by the fact that Cootes hasn’t refereed a Liverpool match for four years straight they’ve obviously been aware of this video for the last four years. This is despite the fact that the video was made only a matter of months ago.

Tbf that is a much more reasonable comparison! Luke Onion shows his international class against the mighty Bristol City.

"They're all quite shit, but let's not forget they're human beings."

His mates or whoever filmed him are scum like. What gets said when you're on the bags never gets brought, up never mind filmed and posted online. He was right about Klopp too

Maddison was subbed at half time the other week with spurs getting beat, they turned it round and won.. He came off the bench at the weekend and they still couldn’t beat Ipswich at home.. Strikes me in the modern game with the way many teams are set up to press the opposition that he’s a luxury player who still doesn’t contribute enough going forward and definitely not enough defensively/in his team’s own half of the pitch. And now over to our good friend and colleague @The Fish who will prove me utterly wrong with some spurious 6th form stats he’s made up earlier

I’m loving Harry Kane digging out other players for dropping out of the England squad only to find himself dropped to the bench the very next day.

You trying to smoke out the Mackems or something?

Fyp again.

Luke Onion reminds me of Pheeeelleeep Albert, because after he retired he sold onions, and always had one in his pocket… … probably. Edit; Here’s Phillipe giving his mate, Herge’s Adventures of Tin Tin, a sneaky peak at his pocket onion behind the fruit stand. What a lad!

What a fucking rotter!

He’s a rotter who looks like an otter

I would say that, as a player, he’s about as good as Beckenbauer’s hair was at Italia 90.

Well whatever, whenever I watch him play I cry laughing. Edit: funny thing was, he wasn't even sent off for that. I dunno, I think legalising unsolicited piggy backs is a slippery slope.

Dan Burn reminds me of Jack Charlton, they're both big, blonde defenders from Northumberland.

Would love some less sycophantic journalist (are there any) to acknowledge just how bad Klopp's behaviour has been. Of course they'd never be allowed back to Anfield and probably banned by the PL and FA.

Aye, on gossy high street, the posh cunt. He'd have won more hearts if he rocked up for bait at the high main on shields road. We'd have sussed his addiction sooner too, because there's about 30 bookies on that road.

Newcastle player scores for England!!!!

Oof! It’s not like they painted it bright yellow with some red warning stripes to make it easy to see either! And they put it on the path, not the road, the sneaky fuckers.

The Knight Ryder doing what he does best. Hanging round outside hotels during the international break trying to nab former players for "exclusives".

It's great for space and probably extends the shelf life but you do have to use a little bit extra elbow grease to break it up so I can see how a retired office dweller might have extra difficulty with it. #Armslike2pipecleaners

Watch Eddie Howe embrace the dark side after he kills a load of younglings.

BASTARD! I want to know what Eddie embraced now! Was it a trout? His Mam? A bag of onions? Damn you Knight Ryder and your click bait temptations!

I've tried to think of another onion pun, but I guess that's shallot.

Career over for Coote, you would think. What a tit, allowing someone to video him. Alright for managers to set an entire fanbase on the ref though.

Unsurprisingly, that referee and every other one would still rather have a beer with Faruk Koca over Jurgen Klopp.

Maddison is a fucking bell pipe /end

It's like putting Gary Glitter in charge of a primary school. Talking of which, he's put a sex trafficker as attorney General. Oh aye, and he's a certified sex pest himself. So, I guess we can expect to see an end to the vaccination program in the states now and thousands of deaths. The country is fucking insane.

Classic example on how life just gets incrementally worse and more complicated. I spent half an hour yesterday trying to log into my fucking CAR yesterday when it inexplicably logged me out and presented me with a QR code. FFS.

Joey Barton also shares the same dark hair and both are failed centre midfielders with the temperament to assault teenagers. That’s a better comparison for me, if only because the MLFs love Barton.

No no no. They decided to stay in league one and show those teams who's boss, 6 years for good measure so they dont forget it. Then and only then could the march to our doorstep begin. Keep up MF