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There you gaan. It's like a deep fake.

Freezing? Shorts and T-shirt weather this man you soft bastard. I'm watching the match in my garden having an ice bath, starkers - whilst proclaiming that I like it hot me like, but not this hot.

Sorted

Elite photoshopping skills

Fairly obviuous imho.

Commuting to Glasgow turtles head on the train jumped in the bog. Had the biggest turd ever, this thing was not solid at all and still broke the water. I wiped (sitting down I’m middle class now) and flushed and turned to wash my hands. After washing I noticed the water level has risen to 2.5 cm (for the kids) to below the seat level. I tried to hit the flush button to stop it but nothing happened and arse stew started to overflow on the floor. I immediately jumped up and sat on the sink so my shoes didn’t get covered. I opened the door leaped out and closed it behind me but we were at glasgow by this time and loads of people were queuing to get out as the result of my shit was flowing out of the not water tight door. I walked away as quick as possible as people started to scream and as I was exiting and walking along the platform an emergency call was put out for cleaners and servicing staff.

People being harsh on Almiron imo. Thought we did ok out wide, centre of the park is where we struggled. Ciggy and Big Joe never really got any control. McCoist just said apart from hitting the woodwork twice Gordon having a couple of chances amd Wilson missing a sitter we didn't have any chances. WTF Got to stay positive. We're playing against the European elite here and we don't look out of place

My favourite pun on Indian names is the half Indian, half Geordie submariner, Gandeep Undawatta.

I’ve had explosive shits all night. My arse is like the back end of the bat mobile. I literally can’t sit down this morning I don’t think it’s nerves.

Then I predict the following interaction in your near future... "Do you do lager tops, mate?" "Does it look like a cocktail bar? Fuck off."

I bet they've all had their ears flicked right off their head.

Urghhh, yep, I've had constipation that bad before.

When I worked at Northern Rock, there was some absolute fruitloop did some impromptu grouting with their shit. Clearly someone not right in the head, but I would spend my days walking around the corridors and picking out candidates. On another occasion there was absolute scandal in my department cos a lass came back onto the floor saying that someone had dropped a log on the floor in front of the toilet in the lass's bogs. Rank.

I don’t DO courses made, I’m a chartered H&S professional. Companies like yours pay me £1000 a day to teach idiots like you

In keeping with the 80s kraut pop theme, that would be an autobahn.

There's only so many they could get in at one time. When I'm made redundant I'm starting my own 'talent' agency for media producers to use when they want any NUFC fans. Obviously in this day of digitised media it'll be an online agency. I'm going to call it 'Anycunt'lldo.com'.

Dortmund fans pictured on the metro after getting on at Whitley Bay..... Same metro pulling into Walkergate fifteen minutes later.....

The Germans would love all this. They have dry shelves in their bogs to facilitate thorough inspection of die scheisse.

"Guys! I'm working a stakeout over 'ere!"

A few of us went to Charlton away in the early 90s, one was a total pisshead called 'scruffy fingers'. He was called it as he was a roofer and his fingers were always minging because he'd go straight for a pint after work or that was what I assumed. We stopped off at the services and scruffy fingers is already well into the kestrel super strength after being on the piss the night before, we'd been out as well TBF, so as we're having a slash he calls us over to the trap he was in. We went over not knowing what monstrosity he was giggling about and assumed he'd pebble dashed the bog or left a giant turd or something but he'd wrote 'NUFC' on the wall with his own shit and suddenly the name scruffy fingers started to make more sense the fucking fiend he was. (Once in a blue moon I'll see his van driving about and I always think 'dirty cunt').

Best one I saw was (I kid not with this one) a solid lump that was touching the bog seat and bent round the u bend. It was majestic, it gathered a crowd of revellers with cameras. To this day I have no clue who did it but I imagine it went down like this....

I once went into the bogs at work and it was up the fucking wall. They had to close the toilets off and get a cleaner in. The cleaner looked like something out of Breaking Bad when suited up BTW It wasn't me, the person must have exploded it was that bad

Syp

Time for a German sub?

That's the finish Miggy does the other 99 times out of 100 for the Fulham goal.

Just landed in toon. Rozzers and Dortmund fans everywhere. Town buzzing already Blue skies and 17 degrees when I left London. Grey skies and BASTARD FREEZING up here. It’s good to be home

Was only a matter of time til we appointed a Chief Beheading Officer.

Well that’s MF’s Christmas present sorted.

I don't know why, but stories of shitting their pants etc still makes me laugh at 40+ so childish

I was staying at a place in Mission Beach in Queensland (depressingly almost exactly 20 years ago). Me and my lass got talking to a couple of school teachers and they would not fucking have it that the saying ‘coals to Newcastle’ originally referred to Newcastle upon Tyne rather than the one in NSW

That probably explains why I'm from Newcastle and one half of my paternal ancestors are from the North East and the other half are Welsh, who would have thunk? That's a bit harsh on Cath.

Asif

^^^ That's the second or third time someone has posted that now. Two things I found interesting, one Bruno says Joe helped him with his english when he got here but right from the off bruno's english has been good, did he really mean his Geordie venacular? Two, is that Spaniel Ears doing the interviewing? Does she have a less saggy sister? Asking for a friend, @wykikitoon.

He's not there mate, he asked for a white wine spritzer in Shearer's before the game and he's been locked in a wheelie bin ever since.

I’d just like to take the opportunity of the half-time break to say that if we do lose tonight, can we all remember to give @Dr Gloom absolute fucking pelters and banish him from attendance, as it will obviously be all his fault, the shandy drinking la la.

"Lolz, ROFL marras! Tonali out for mebbeyz two year! Lolz! But watch the Saudis do something so he gets to play in the champions leygue! 😡 Probabley only get a few months ban as well. Pewa corruption, marra! FTM!!! 🤬🤬😡"

Your colleague is a filthy stander. 100%

I've got IBS so I know the pain. Someone at work sprayed the entire rim the other day (didn't clean it the dirty cunts). Even the front was pebble dashed, no idea how. It defied the laws of known physics. They literally shat in front of them. A true medical marvel.

Washy mags are the worst

Woke up at. 6am like a kid on Christmas morning- too excited to go back to sleep!

Or was it?

There’s a sunderland in Queensland, near Taroom, but it’s so small and insignificant it isn’t named on Google maps/earth. https://mapcarta.com/29977988/Map Fuck yeah!