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You could already tell he comes from a good family. This just confirms it. Get him signed, Eddie.

If Harry Kane leave a room it gets more attractive.

can you imagine being a german living in some spotlessly clean, fairytale bavarian town or an Italian from one of the stunning, historic walled cities of tuscany? then you rock up in sunderland for the champions league final, yer fucking eyes would melt.

They lose a fair wedge from the locals bringing in their own cheese slices tbf.

It's not just his finishing, which is excellent, it's his movement, touch, intelligence and his technique too. In terms of finishing; he's had 6 seasons in the PL where he's put 20+ goals away, and throughout his career he's averaged about 0.7 goals a game, 0.6 a game without penalties or slightly better than 1 goal every 2 games. Dunno where you stand on xG (and I'm not looking to get into an argument about that) but he consistently exceeds his xG. Which means that he scores even more goals than you'd expect given the chances he's had. His movement is excellent how often do his goals look like an easy chance? It's more often than not because he's chosen the right time to make his run to the back post, or his dart to the near posts forces one defender to block another. You can see the intelligence and technique whenever he drops deeper and propels Spurs up the pitch with sprayed passes or really clever subtle touches. I think while Harry Kane suffers from being interminably dull off the pitch, nothing on the pitch is particularly exciting either. Even his 30 yarders don't, I dunno, feel(?) thrilling. There's something almost pedestrian in their excellence? He's so professional, so practised that it's not impressive. He never beats a player with something unpredictable like Henry did, he's not got tonnes of pace, he's just a little sharper, a little stronger or a little smarter in the moment.

As I've said before the effort they had to put in to free ticket themselves up to 48k in the Reid days was phenomenal. For 60k they'd have to bus schoolkids in from the whole of England. I suppose that'll get the nonce community back on board though.

Yet again attract people by doing something actually note worthy? Nah marra build a bigger stadium than them up the road and slap some cladding over the fact it looks shite so it becomes somewhere people travel to just to look at (is this a thing? I’ve never traveled somewhere to just look at a stadium ). They really are absurd, even just casually throwing in that they’ll get promotion and European competition .

Dullest hamlet > Sunderland

Write a blues song about a cone-headed taxi driver called Christmas Tree. His hobbies are cooking horrible dinners, listening to ABBA, and voting for Brexit. Verse 1: Well, I hopped in a taxi cab, one cold and dreary night The driver looked so strange, with a cone head big and bright He said his name was Christmas Tree, and his hobbies were bizarre Cooking terrible dinners and listening to ABBA, oh man, what a scar Chorus: Oh Christmas Tree, what's wrong with you? Voting for Brexit, and your dinners make me blue With your cone head and ABBA tunes, you're a sight to see But I gotta get to my destination, so drive that taxi, Christmas Tree Verse 2: I asked him 'bout the weather, but he just talked 'bout Brexit Said he wanted to be independent, didn't want no EU exit Then he offered me some dinner, but I politely declined I didn't wanna hurt his feelings, but those meals just ain't my kind Chorus: Oh Christmas Tree, what's wrong with you? Voting for Brexit, and your dinners make me blue With your cone head and ABBA tunes, you're a sight to see But I gotta get to my destination, so drive that taxi, Christmas Tree Verse 3: As we drove along, he told me 'bout his love for ABBA songs Said they made him feel alive, and he sang 'em all day long I asked him what his favorite was, and he said it was "Fernando" He started singing so loud, I thought my eardrums would blow Chorus: Oh Christmas Tree, what's wrong with you? Voting for Brexit, and your dinners make me blue With your cone head and ABBA tunes, you're a sight to see But I gotta get to my destination, so drive that taxi, Christmas Tree Verse 4: Finally, we arrived at my destination, and I paid him with a smile I thanked him for the ride, and he said "Have a nice while" As I walked away, I couldn't help but think That Christmas Tree was quite a character, though his dinners really stink Chorus: Oh Christmas Tree, what's wrong with you? Voting for Brexit, and your dinners make me blue With your cone head and ABBA tunes, you're a sight to see But I gotta get to my destination, so drive that taxi, Christmas Tree.

Write a short story about a hobbit called RobinRobin who thinks he lives in Australia but actually lives in New Zealand. He is a deaf mute who communicates only through the medium of gifs. He is 80 years old. His hero is Chris Wood, the New Zealand footballer. RobinRobin was an 80-year-old hobbit who lived in what he thought was Australia. He had lived in the same hobbit hole for as long as he could remember, and had never ventured far from his home. RobinRobin was a deaf mute, which made communication difficult, but he had found a way to express himself through the medium of gifs. RobinRobin was obsessed with football, and his hero was Chris Wood, the New Zealand footballer. He had never actually seen Chris Wood play, but he had heard about him from other hobbits and had seen gifs of his goals on the internet. RobinRobin spent hours watching and re-watching these gifs, studying Wood's technique and dreaming of one day meeting him. One day, RobinRobin decided to go on an adventure to see if he could find Chris Wood. He packed a bag with supplies and set off, following the road that he believed would lead him to Australia. After a few days of walking, he stumbled upon a sign that read "Welcome to New Zealand." RobinRobin was confused. He had always thought he was in Australia, but now he realized he had been living in New Zealand all along. He felt a sense of disappointment, but he was also excited to explore this new land. As he wandered through New Zealand, RobinRobin encountered many kind people who were fascinated by his communication through gifs. They welcomed him into their homes and taught him about their culture. RobinRobin felt more connected to the world than ever before, and he realized that there was so much more to life than just football and Chris Wood. Eventually, RobinRobin returned to his hobbit hole, a changed hobbit. He still loved football and Chris Wood, but he also had a new appreciation for the beauty of the world around him and the kindness of strangers. He continued to communicate through gifs, but now he also had stories to share about his adventures in New Zealand. RobinRobin realized that sometimes, the greatest adventures are the ones that lead you to unexpected places.

The MLF diplomacy team will be out in force to forge special connections with whoever is playing. Also, I think the idea of a city hosting the Champions League final is that the actual destination itself is a place that’s desirable to visit

Plus don't forget it's quite a big stadium. When you see a few dozen crisp packets flying around, don't forget those come from a fewer number of whip rounds.

I'd maybe give some thought to the order in which they do things. This is basically: 1. Remove underpants 2. Start thrusting 3. Get girlfriend

My feelings on Kane used to be the same as Rayvin in his first few premier league seasons. None of the goals he was scoring looked particularly good. They didn't have the elegance of Henry or the power of Shearer. Lots of them seemed to be scuffed in and I just couldn't see how it was sustainable in the longer term. Then scored more, and more and more and aside from those years when he just couldn't score in August, he has never stopped scoring. The shear weight of those goals makes it impossible to ignore him. It can appear to be luck for so long, but when it relentlessly keeps on happening you have to accept it's more than that. I'd add that also when I watch him these days I see him dropping deep collecting the ball nearly always doing something positive with it. Not in an exciting looking way but just in a supremely competent way. He'll never be remembered for beauty (in any sense) but he will be remembered as a great striker.

sports champions of the world

pleasing scenes in israel. good to see bibi's attempts to turn it into a fascist state being shut down by the people. who knows where it ends though

Write a story about a Yorkshireman called Wykiki who hates everyone he’s ever worked with. He’s invited to a reunion of all his former workmates, gets exceedingly drunk, then faints just before it’s his turn to buy the beers. Write the whole thing in Yorkshire dialect

I'm wondering though marra, does the fictional game in Auf Wiedersehen Pet count?

Is everyone feeling ok?

Write a poem about a so-called accountant called Gemmill. Famous for his quick wit, knock knees, and for approaching unsuspecting women in late night taxi ranks. He was unfortunately hung like a Chinese mouse. Gemmill the Accountant, they called him with glee, Quick-witted and clever as clever could be. But despite his sharp tongue and ease with a joke, Gemmill's appearance was quite a bit of a yoke. With knees that would knock and a frame rather slight, He'd approach ladies at night with all of his might. But despite his best efforts, they'd often say no, Leaving Gemmill alone with his mouse down below. He'd crunch all the numbers and balance the books, But when it came to love, he would often get shook. Though he tried his best to impress with his smarts, His diminutive size kept breaking his hearts. But Gemmill pressed on with his head held up high, Determined to find that special girl by and by. And when he finally did find love in the end, It mattered not if he was hung like a mouse, my friend.

Tbf to the mackems they do have a great legacy in Europe, having played *checks notes* 0 (ZERO) games in the Premiership era and *checks notes* 4 (FOUR) games in their history.

The desire to host tournament games is weird too, as a fan why do you give a flying fuck? It all comes back to that weird desire they have to be relevant as a town.

They’ve got a couple of teenagers iirc. Plus Rigg who they’ll lose in the summer anyway. You can’t count Diablo or Michut as they’re on loan. Stewart will be 27 before he kicks a ball for them again. I was quite impressed with Jack Clarke from the bits I’ve seen but he’s not exactly a superstar or a kid. Let’s be honest, they’d struggle to hold onto them if a Championship club came knocking, let alone a PL one. So maybe they aren’t that good. I think it’s just their latest delusion to soften the blow about us. I get you, re: Kane. Beige is about right. I think he’s a bit of a dirty cunt too and far from being a player I love. But I do think he’s an outstanding and highly effective centre forward.

I'm sure the continentals will be absolutely mesmerised by the way people from Sunderland grout the bathroom tiles with their own turds. Real Sistine Chapel shit.

2nd Division fodder + having a loan to fix lifts + no parachute payments + hoping any loan players are competent = build biggest stadium in NE England and storm into Yewerup, marra. FTM.

I can’t work what’s satire any more. European football. You’re halfway up the second division, mate If the owners did announce stadium expansion there is immediately think there was a rabbit off given the lack of investment in the first team

Interesting to see a 52%-48% victory being described as a narrow margin. In certain other circumstances that gets framed as a clear mandate.

Fucking Hell. "If KLD* has deep pockets." Well, guess what Skylon, the murderers that own us do have deep pockets, we are in the conversation for Champions League Football, one of our central midfielders is worth more than your entire squad. In the queue to host a CL Final, you're so far back you can't even see it. I've seen some impressive stadiums, even gone out my way to have a look at them, but they were in Turin, or Amsterdam where I was on holiday. Can't imagine tourism is a big part of Sunderland's economy. I've seen some deluded horseshit on there, but who the fuck is going to go to fucking Sunderland to see the IKEA-quality, litter-filled shithole they call the Stadium of Light? Even with 20k more empty seats and a bit of slipshod render to hide the corrugated iron? * KLD man, after the shit they gave us for calling Benitez 'Rafa'.

John Hendrie equalising, Bessant pulling off a world class save and then Mirandinha milking it at the Kop. Not a bad first away game as a 12 year old.

Not trying to change your mind as a lot of it is subjective if you just don’t rate him but (as much as I dislike him) he’s an absolutely quality player. His technique when hitting the ball is amazing, he so rarely hits the ball when off balance or badly shaped as his timing and technique are brilliant - I think Fish hit the nail when he discussed Kane being dull, there’s little flair to his game he’s just a very solid technical player. His passing range is similarly fucking brilliant, which is a trait Rooney and Shearer also had. You can’t score the amount of goals he does with the consistency over the long term that he has and not be a quality player. Not sure why ATP mentioned that putting Kane in the same breath as Phillips is a joke, Phillips was a decent PL striker who had one season close to what Kane manages basically every season. Spurs have held him back rather than elevate him iyam, if Kane had went to a truly top side his goal return would be even more staggering than it already is.

will your knees be up for it?

Put me down in the I think he's massively overated, I'm probably wrong but I don't care camp Obviously would do an instant shameless 180 if he signed for us

Kane’s ability to get past players is massively underrated as well. He can get himself out of tight spots to get a shot or pass off incredibly well

Kane is class. I'd love it if we could bring him here. There's been an outbreak of crazy talk in the last few posts on here.

Conte looks like an extra from All Quiet on the Western Front there

I feel violated.

Write a short martial arts movie about the time Lee Ryder and Howmanheyman got into a fight over a kebab in Get Stuffed. The two end up becoming lifelong friends and move in together. They wear matching pyjamas and play Double Dragon on their Sega all day long. The scene opens on a bustling city street at night. People are milling about, enjoying the nightlife, and food vendors are selling their delicious wares. Two men, Lee Ryder and Howmanheyman, both martial arts experts, are walking down the street, discussing their latest training techniques. As they approach the food vendor "Get Stuffed," the smell of kebabs wafts towards them, making their mouths water. They both decide to grab a bite, and as they are waiting for their order, they notice that there is only one kebab left. Without thinking, both men reach for the last kebab, their hands meeting in the middle. A brief moment of tension passes between them before they both look up and realize who the other is. Lee Ryder and Howmanheyman have been rival martial artists for years, always trying to outdo one another in training and competition. Now, they find themselves locked in a battle over a kebab. The fight begins, the two men trading blows and kicks, their martial arts skills on full display. As they fight, they begin to respect each other's techniques and soon find themselves laughing at the absurdity of the situation. Finally, the fight ends in a stalemate, with both men exhausted and hungry. They sit down to enjoy the kebab together and start talking about their shared passion for martial arts. As they talk, they realize that they have a lot in common and that their rivalry was based on nothing but their mutual love for their art. They decide to put their differences aside and become lifelong friends. The scene shifts to a few months later, with Lee Ryder and Howmanheyman moving into a shared apartment. They wear matching pyjamas and play Double Dragon on their Sega all day long, their martial arts skills on full display as they battle their way through the game. As the movie ends, the two friends sit on the couch, laughing and reminiscing about their fight over a kebab. They know that their shared love of martial arts will always bring them together, no matter what challenges they may face in the future.

Write a short scene from the sitcom Last of the Summer Wine but replace the main characters with ones called PaddockLad, Toonpack, Kevin Carrs Gloves, and Spongebob Toonpants. The gang are busy trying to work out how to use a computer mouse whilst hurtling down a hill in the Yorkshire countryside on an out of control sofa. @Toonpack @PaddockLad @spongebob toonpants @Kevin Carr's Gloves [Interior: A living room. PaddockLad, Toonpack, Kevin Carrs Gloves, and Spongebob Toonpants are sitting on a sofa with a computer mouse in their hands. Suddenly, the sofa starts moving, hurtling down a hill in the Yorkshire countryside. PaddockLad: Oh no! This sofa is out of control! Toonpack: Hang on tight, lads! Kevin Carrs Gloves: How are we going to use this mouse while we're moving? Spongebob Toonpants: I don't know, but we have to figure it out before we crash! PaddockLad: I think I have an idea. We just have to move the cursor to the "start" button and click on it. Toonpack: Easier said than done! We're bouncing around like a bunch of ping pong balls! Kevin Carrs Gloves: Maybe if we all work together, we can do it! Spongebob Toonpants: Agreed! Let's do this! [The four of them start frantically moving the mouse, trying to steer the sofa as it hurtles down the hill. They manage to click on the "start" button just as the sofa crashes into a pile of hay.] PaddockLad: Yes! We did it! Toonpack: That was amazing teamwork, lads Kevin Carrs Gloves: I don't think I've ever been so stressed in my life! Spongebob Toonpants: Same here, but we did it! We're like computer wizards now! [The four of them high-five each other as the camera pans out, showing the sofa stuck in the pile of hay in the middle of the Yorkshire countryside.]

Write an obituary for former DJ and amateur skateboarder Dr Gloom. He died of being vegan and leaves behind a broken skateboard and a Jive Bunny boxset. It is with deep sadness that we announce the passing of Dr Gloom, a former DJ and amateur skateboarder, who left this world on March 27, 2023, at the age of 47. He died as a result of complications from his vegan lifestyle. Dr Gloom, whose real name was James Smith, was born on September 12, 1975, in London, England. He began his career as a DJ in the early 90s, spinning records at local clubs and events. He was known for his unique style of mixing and his love of underground music. In addition to his love of music, Dr Gloom was an avid skateboarder. He spent countless hours perfecting his skills at the local skate park and even competed in a few amateur competitions. Despite his success in both music and skateboarding, Dr Gloom was most proud of his vegan lifestyle. He was passionate about animal rights and the environment and worked tirelessly to spread awareness of the benefits of a plant-based diet. Dr Gloom is survived by his broken skateboard and his beloved Jive Bunny boxset. He will be remembered by his friends and fans for his infectious smile, his love of life, and his commitment to his principles. Rest in peace, Dr Gloom. You will be missed, but your legacy will live on.

Wonder kids what does that make Isak, Botman, and Gordon? They’re off their fucking rockers the mackems like, they’re mid table in the championship and on about Europe .

can't find a video but it was a 1-1 draw with sheffield wednesday around 98/99. and i was sat in the home end so not sure if it counts

If Kane goes they'll start looking less attractive

He’s got the fourth best goals to game record in PL history playing in a side that’s never challenged for the title. The notion that he’s overrated or a slightly better than average PL striker is patently nonsense.