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I'd do it but I don't know if the world is ready for Wembley's first ever 100-0 scoreline.

Right, apologies to those whose noses might feel misaligned, but we need change. We need a win. And I think we will get one now.

The final thread starter is awarded £100 form the pot (if there's any left in Patreon upkeep funds, sorry charities). Life ban if we lose.

And if this doesn't work, I'll lick CT's gusset*. *Disclaimer. Not really.

Aye, we’re already seeing a weird backlash about Dan Burn on twitter which is absurd. I think whatever way we go from here the season has been a massive success, it’s almost certain we finish in the top 8 and have a final appearance under our belt - it would of course be disappointing to end runners up in a cup and outside the European spots given the position we are in but it’s still a massive fucking success.

Harsh on Rayvin that like.

I hope he reads this and scores the winner in the cup final, and you doubters can line up to suck his plums.

I hope the cunt dies just for "United vs Newcastle".

2-0 to us, Klopp sent to the smoking shelter after they get an equaliser VARed.

He’ll have to change his name if we win the final

I think we are all, players and supporters, having a bit of a post semi-final wobble. Shit's got real now and I think the reality of being in a final and a Champions league place has got everyone just a bit nervous. Just being a couple of percent off can make all the difference. Very telling that Howe in his post match presser was emphasising how important to stay positive. In a way I almost think even though points wise 3 draws is worse than WDL, keeping the unbeaten run is better in the long term

Must be nice having Sky do your PR campaigns for you.

They could pretend everyone’s asthmatic like Liverpool & pump em full of steroids

Yeah, I'll be grand. Doing the right things, dropping the wrong things, talking to the right people, ignoring the wrong'uns.

I’ve just thought…..somebody has to start a league cup final thread. Maybe we should have a vote

We shouldn’t change the approach that has got us to a final and 4th place to try and get more out of a player that has always been what he is. Our main issue for me is we aren’t playing the aggressive style that’s got us here, our performances have lacked bite as our lot look nervous to risk missing the final. ASM isn’t the difference maker he’s made out to be tbh, our fans look for anything as proof he is just as CT is doing with his involvement at the weekend - he deserves credit for his hand in the goal but the goal was made by Longstaffs fantastic run. Even Fish saying “beat a couple of players, turn on a sixpence, and drop a perfect cross on a strikers head” I think implying this is something ASM does? It’s something he’s done maybe once in his years in our team. His recent goal involvements have come when he is doing what he’s meant to do in the system. We shouldn’t change all we have been doing to try and accommodate a bloke that doesn’t have the impact he’s made out by some, losing a player from our press isn’t something we can do and it’ll impact our overall performances negatively. Murphy is the better option, he’s direct and while he spoons chances it’s not like ASM isn’t also fucking hopeless at finishing, Murphy also plays the way we need a player in that position to play and helps our press.

Showed my mates the tattoos I got recently in Malaga, and they were surprised at the level of detail on them. I said, aye… I’ll just see myself out, thanks.

Alternatively..... It's Sunday 26th February, around 7pm in NW London, UK. Alain St Maximim has just score a last minute winner in the last added minute of extra time to win NUFC the League cup against their bitter red Manc opponents, ending a 53 year trophy drought (or 68 years if you're a mackem), and earning trophyshy a name change and several posters the anticipation of a tea bagging session with the reluctant hero. The ref blows the whistle, a tidal wave of euphoria passes through the ecstatic black and white crowds as Bruno raise his arms aloft. It's finally happened. Then suddenly there is an ominous humming in the air and the sky goes dark and cold..... Ahh fuck man. Typical.

Especially this season where the quality of player we need is either at an underperforming side (Chelsea/Liverpool/Leicester) or for our contemporary rivals.

Similar situation where it’s easier said than done though. Who’s going to loan a good central midfielder in January? No point in just getting another body in for the sake of it if they’re not of the required quality. Then you have clubs like Chelsea refusing to loan players to us

Imagine running an “agenda” account for a club that have without a shadow of doubt constantly received favor. Feeling hard done by as a Manchester United fan is like Elon Musk joining in a conversation about not having much in the bank before pay day, fucking ridiculous. Hopefully we see them pulling out the Norwich clobber and whinging again soon. When do these idiots expect the fixtures to be played? It’s like when Klopp whines on, if you’re in four competitions at this stage in the season you will be playing a lot of games and often that’s why not many teams are generally involved on this many fronts at this point. Fucking idiots.

Truth is nowt is working at the minute really is it? For whatever reason. And ASM clearly isn't the solution. Fortunately unlike that TRAITOR PL I have faith in EH that he is best equipped to get us playing a tune again. Hopefully by next weekend.

High, when he was playing regularly, he was top 10 in the league (I think). The trouble is, he hasn't been a real regular for quite some time and our style of play has changed dramatically, in that we have one beyond getting the ball to him regularly. I think we're playing high up the pitch which limits the benefit of his ability to beat 2 men, because there is often an entrenched defensive unit, whereas when we were ostensibly a counter attack side, were he to beat a couple of players he'd have a clear run at the 'keeper. I also think he hasn't been playing with anyone long enough to get used to their runs, movements and stuff like that. My focus here isn't tossing our effective style aside to accommodate a pretty mercurial winger. Our issue right now is creating and taking chances against an entrenched side, ASM is one of the few players in our side that does create chaos.

So the Pentagon shoots down an octagonal UFO. Things are shaping up nicely.

Maybe their oil money can buy them something to hold their banner up so it doesn't need subtitles.

But apart from create the goal, what else did the Romans….

As much as I slagged Maxi last week, the kid needs a run of games. After all the time he’s missed/sat on the bench, it’s unfair to expect him to just burst back into life. If he gets himself back up to speed, he could be the difference while we struggle elsewhere on the pitch.

I want to beat the scousers almost as much as I want to win the cup final. And not because it keeps them further away from the top 4 (though that’s an added bonus). I want to stuff them because we were absolutely robbed of a point - we were unlucky not to win even - when we went to anfield at the start of the season. Plus their fans are some of the worst going and their manager is an obnoxious, smug, arrogant arsehole with ridiculous novelty teeth.

Liverpool synchronised diving team.

Is that Roger Waters?

Maybe if they rotated their squads/found a way to win that is less intensive on their players, the squads wouldn't feel so threadbare come the business end of the season? Maybe a little time wasting to slow the game and run down the clock? Maybe a touch of the dark arts to give your players a breather? Maybe making a full compliment of substitutes?

I think this part is key. Bruno aside we don't really have a visionary. Someone who sees three steps ahead, who pulls deeper to make space, who dinks a ball ahead of a blindside run. Almiron and ASM are both good at getting into the right positions either by beating a man or by making the run, but if nobody is finding them, what's the point? Maddison could have lessened the impact of Bruno's absence, so too could Shelvey. Neither are a like for like replacement, but both are more creative in their own way.

"Sunderland or Middlesbrough or anyone else never entered my life. Never entered my life." That's gonna go down well on Weirdside.

I'm not as bothered about Everton going down now that Lampard has been binned. So much so that I'm backing them for VICTORY this evening. I hope they fucking RUIN Klopp's Valentines.

"unmanned octaganol structure with strings attached" So a kite then

So I hope you stuck with the nursery.

The squad is so small, we’re going to need him. Gordon can’t play in the cup final so giving maxi these games in the build up makes total sense

I might be wrong but personally I think of lots of good reasons to play them. Mainly because they're absolute dogshit midtable and SJP will be absolutely bouncing, a cauldron of hate full of pissed up pissed off fans. If this doesn't get the players up for it, nothing will.

Man United have three games after today before the final. We've got one. That's got to be a massive advantage even with their better squad.

We signed a player for £40m. It’s not a missed chance if other targets weren’t available. People go on like you just make a bid for someone and the other club let’s them go just like that. It doesn’t work like that. We’ve made huge strides and are living with legacy of being a zombie club for over a decade. We’re hampered by ffp because our revenue is a joke. We’re performing way above expectations.

Two auld lads, Mick and Bob, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Bob is dying, Mick visits him every day. One day Mick says, "Bob, me and you both loved football all our lives and we played football on Saturdays together for years then watched it together when we were too fucked to play. Please do me one favour, mate, when you get to Heaven, somehow, if you can, let me know if there's football up there." Bob looks up at Mick from his death bed, "Mick, you've been my best mate for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll try my best to do this favour for you, wor kid." Shortly after that, Bob sadly passed on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mick is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mick! Mick!" "Who is it? asks Mick sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" He says again. "Mick, it's me, Bob." "You're not Bob, Bob just died a few days ago." "I'm telling you, man, it's me, Bob," insists the voice." "Bob?! Where are you?" "I'm in heaven, Mick", replies Bob. "I've got some really good news and a bit of bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Mick. "Well the good news...." Bob says, ".....is that there is football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!" That's fantastic," says Mick. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news, Bob?" Bob replies, "You're in the team for this Saturday, wor kid."