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What's even worse for gemmill, apart from missing the match, is his mam is making him wear a big coat despite him persistently telling her he's not cold and if he wears it he'll be sweating and everything!

Gemmill's mam attempts to placate the pitchfork-wielding Toontastic hordes

"But mam, Meenzer's put me in the thread title and everything!"

Am gaan, so guaranteed 3 points. We do normally do well against these southern cunts don't we, even in the Mourinho days when they really were good and were utter turboshit. That said, the better we do the more important it becomes, and the more I shit myself. Nervy 2-1 win, 2 toilet breaks.

Nathan Jones confirmed as new Southampton manager. About time, he's been gone too long.

P on the left cheek and PE on the other?

Could you be so kind to let us know when you stop putting that bet on please? As soon as you do I’m whacking the house on it.

I'm out for a meal for my mam's birthday so won't see a minute of this. Fucking livid. If she thinks she's getting a word out of me all evening, she's sorely mistaken.

Sitting 3rd with a relatively modest spend, a shrewd and influential manager getting the most out of players new and old, ran by professionals with contacts, money and ambition. MISSED THE BOAT MARRA.

Really sorry to hear this. Its fucking devastating losing a pet. It's a cliche but you do have to try and focus on the happy times (basically everything but the last bit with pets) and remember that they had a fucking mint life. I had to have my two cats put down in the summer and it was horrible. I still have to practically shout the memory out of my head when I remember the state one of them was in at the end. Anyway, condolences.

The Tories MADE it happen.

Just been with Tom and he reckons he’s off for a Nick Pope tattoo on not one but both arse cheeks? Good luck to the kid

His commentary was fucking awful

4-0 Bjarni Gudjonnson first goal scorer

That is absolutely mental

They need to start with "Would Ball have been playing for Sunderland if he could have been playing for one of the top sides." Hopefully that will help clarify the matter for them.

his dodgy pen was obvs still fresh in his mind

[fade to black] On a river where they used to miss the boats...

I know Carabao is a bit minging but that's excessive.

"Newcastle United are delighted to announce the £70m signing of James Maddison as Chief Bricklayer."

Saudi United won a penalty lottery. They'll get Man City in the next round and be taught a lesson. Nick Pope is being treated like a god but he's no Pickford .... yadda, yadda, yadda!

Just spent the last 15 minutes reading through their thread about us. Fuck me, 6 pages overnight largely discussing our game. Absolutely rent-free.

Pfff, this not good enough for you?

And it's LIVE on Sky Sports (so no need for dodgy streams or, worse yet, Radio Newcastle)

And Bournemouth.

Send Wraith a DM, based on his patter he'll definitely know someone who could "remove" the problem 👍

So good he jizzed on the recipe

Fucking stop listening to that shite, man

Woah there, Farage!

When you look at the form guide, the home advantage, the obvious conclusion is we’re clear favourites.

Fuck the waistline, this is currently in progress

Sorry to hear that, mate. Dogs are the fucking best.

I particularly liked "It doesn't matter as it would be a blood trophy".

Turns his back on the ball. COWARD!

I haven’t checked but I’m going to guess we were lucky, the opposition and the officials threw the match and Roker Mackem reckons it means nowt

Sorry to hear that mate, he looks like he was a proper handful/loony as a pup.

Sorry for your loss. Absolutely horrible when this happens

My daughter is having a woman from England in her English class tomorrow. Every kid is allowed to ask 5 questions. One of her questions will be: “Have you ever seen a mackem in Milan?” The woman is obviously from Sunderland.

1-0 Botman

Some of their fans on twitter are beyond a fucking joke, if you listen to them we merely have to turn up just to win and we'll absolutely murder them. I'd hate to see them having to have put with the shit we have over the last decade and a half. Patently glory hunting wankers and the foreign ones are the worst. I'll be over the moon with a win as, contrary to their glory fans, they're not totally shite and have some quality in their squad. I'm guessing they weren't around in the Stamford bridge concrete bowl days when they were actually not very good.

We were poor last night. Very sloppy in posession and the defence seemed a vew yards further back in there starting position which was no doubt due to Lascelles. But you have to expect this when you make so many changes, particularly when players who have barely played all season. It did show that if we do have a few injuries all at once (particularly if Tripper and Bruno are included in them) that will be where we'll not be able to keep up the form that has us in 3rd.

One glove on each?

Chubby brown or nowt for him like

Mint, but why the fuck are they having a mackem in an English class? They’ve only got 20 letters in their alphabet

That Barry Homeowner bullshit is right up your straße.