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Steve Barnes couldn’t believe it. He’d barely been at the club long enough to memorise the local takeaways and already the knives were out. He thought this time would be different, this time his skills would finally be appreciated, respected, even revered - like what Pep does. But no, as he stood picking more eggshell off his nearly-new Lexus, he felt that bitter betrayal working its way into his heart, again. The Lexus was a beauty though, sort of looked like a cross between a cruise liner and a spaceship. He’d had many hours of pleasure in her already, as the passenger footwell testified. They’d all been so nice to him at the start, just a few months ago. They’d met all his demands, even down to the waffle maker and bidet. Why was he here again? He knew why of course, his enduring nemesis. Results. What they didn’t appreciate was each and every bad result wasn’t down to him, only the good ones were. Barnes had his list for every game, and each list was memorised, like that Deliveroo website. He could win Mastermind with it as his specialist subject, easily. One day he'd get Alex to analyse all these and share the data with Luke. Should get a few more articles for us both out of that. Easy money. 18 April 2022, away defeat 5 minutes - biased refereeing 8 minutes - opposition looking like they have been training ffs. 14 minutes - referee, again! 21 minutes - that cunt Lee Rider is here! 26 minutes - back line failed to follow my instructions 34 minutes - back line failed to follow my instructions. 44 minutes - this referee is an utter cunt like. Half time - gave the lads a proper earful. One of my top drawer speeches, somewhere between Joe Pesci, Fergie and Churchill. Probably whuz best performance so far today. No time for usual meal, which I'm anxious about. 45 minutes - FOR FUCKS SAKE MAN. 50 minutes - these forwards are shite, I can’t work with this. 59 minutes - they’ve parked the bus now, this just isn’t fair. 66 minutes - A GOAL! Get the fuck in! Exactly how we worked on on training - they can follow instructions after all! 67 minutes - goal disallowed for extremely dubious two players offside. 68 minutes - FUCKY CUNTY BALLS BASTIDS. This defence man, total shite. 75 minutes - I’m hungry now, struggling to concentrate. 80 minutes - this twatting referee man, he’s not getting a drink off of me later. I'm off for one now, fuck this. Full time - another game ruined by biased officials and the team failing to follow my simple instructions to not concede goals. It wouldn’t matter though, it never mattered that it was never his fault. What mattered was he was in charge and had to carry the can despite it never being his fault. Life is just unfair he thought, checking the time on his Rolex Yacht-Master with multi-coloured gems Anyway, moving on, the Lexus was looking perfect again and he had to get off to his night class. They were learning how to make Baklava, a result that was assured to please, he laughed. Oh yes, he could taste the sticky sweetness already. Just time for a couple of Big Macs en route. Eat the pain away bonny lad.

I’ve made 3 posts and have apparently just earned an apprentice badge! Hope I can make it as a regular one day. 😄

I mean history would suggest the next step is we offer less than they want and then move on to someone else...

@Craigthanks for that. @PaddockLadthanks for nothing.

I think I speak for all of the forum when I say I completely resemble that remark.

You’re a bunch of knobheads 😄

Fuck off, that's not Cath, she'd never wear blue eye shadow!

3 posts in Belta Minge gets you a Mass Debater’s badge.

"So how did Steve Barnes, the great looking and intelligent ex footballer turned manager, turned Sherlock Holmes super sleuth work out who the sexual deviant was with a penchin, err, a pension, err, a habit of sticking fruit up his jacksy, Lee?" "Lemon entry, wor kid, I mean, my dear, Steven, lemon entry! Lol! Laters captain. Off for a few moretti in my toon territory." "Good idea, slaphead. After half an hour working on this fucking book I'm going to need another holiday. But don't tell the chairman!"

Having read this review, I really want a copy of Barnes’es’s crazy adventures.

The closest Gemmill gets to Spanish is scratching his maracas

I saw him in InflateSpace a few weeks back shouting random shit at the 2p 'Tipping Point' machine on his own. I assume he has a kid and it was somewhere, but I wish he didn't.

Lads I had a dream last night where Leicester announced that they have accepted that they have no option but to sell James Maddison. Strap yourselves in.

And then consider the most prosperous period in that last 40 years was 1997-2008. Or 11 of the 13 years Labour were in power.

Was just thinking after reading that Barnes and Ryder should collaborate on a novel. I’m thinking Toon foot soldier and NUFC manager solving homicide cases in their spare time. Or something like that. I’ll leave the details to the experts

@JawD needs to get his arse off Twitter and back on here tbh.

It should be remembered that we still have until end of day 1st of September to get deals done. Clubs minds become much more focused on coming and goings in the last week of a window. We signed Targett, Burn and Guimaraes in the last few days of the January window. Watford are also likely identifying and lining up replacements for Pedro should they decide to sell, so that could considerably slow down proceedings.

Interesting take from a Watford fan.

It's shocking, isn't it Diego? Nobody talks to me in my language either. the language of luuuurrrrve

Accountant-esq I would say

I think you need to take Spanish lessons. I don't have anyone here to talk to in my language ☹️

Indeed, I only lowered myself to post it because he’s our boy. I like to try to engender a spirit of togetherness on this forum, often in the face of constant criticism and and antagonism. I can take it, these shoulders are broad, but am being hauled across the coals this morning for promoting one of our own. It frankly beggars belief

Thanks. CAN YOU FUCKING TRANSLATE IT NOW TOO PLEASE?

You need to stick around this time.

It’s what keeps me coming back 😉

I'm surprised he managed to win 7 games tbh. Shite league. And we thought he was a Championship level manager, apparently not

Fish would be proud

We like to be perpetual. You still do have to do better to get back into the clique.

he can double up as a gargoyle by sitting on top of Stamford bridge roof when he’s not playing, I suppose. Keep the pigeons away

Photo of you in hospital with the uniform on and a placard saying 'clocks go back, it's Cath' or gtfo tbh..

Tuchel wants someone to go shoplifting with.

I love how I can pop in every few months and absolutely nothing changes 😄

“No…thing.… guys. “ ( apologies to @Howmanheyman)

Pfft! He's no Laurent Robert!

Nice to meet you.

I don't know if transfer fees are going to calm down to a more reasonable level in the near future, but if that is the case I'd far rather we were patient than max our FFP on players who's fees are being inflated by 10, 15, even 20m in Gibbs-White's case. Buying players for the sake of it or, again, paying way other the odds surely isn't the way to conduct our business. Now if these fees are a reality that's here to say, that's another conversion. Then again if enough clubs put their foot down on having to pay ridiculous fees for mere potential in the form of young players who've barely played, then perhaps that will have a positive effect on lowering prices for such players.