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Thanks lads, honestly it was a nice day. Heard lots of stories of the shit he used to get up to with his mates/at work when he was younger. A lot of people held him in high regard, and I didn’t pay for a drink all night

Don't push your luck, Craig. A boyfriend is fine, we've shown our acceptance of that. A 4 year old boyfriend is a matter for the police.

A slightly more sophisticated one that I used when casting from your PC to your TV was still something of an emerging technology and less widely known - I'd leave my home computer on and go to work while my partner remained at home. Screen off but tower on. From work, remote connect to the PC, had The Ring video on standby (where she's climbing out of the well) - cast it to the TV in the living room where my partner would be, it automatically turns on the TV and plays the video. I intended to do it several times so that it kept turning on when she turned it off, but once was all it took. She was out of the house and calling me from the car to claim the house was fucking haunted and I needed to come back home right this moment She was a pretty superstitious person tbf. Slept on the couch the next few nights but it was worth it

Everyone just taking it in their stride that Craig has a boyfriend. What a great bunch we are.

But when you sit on the freshly laid patio you still feel a “closeness”?

Depends - on a scale of 👱🏻‍♂️to 👨🏿‍🦲, how often does he turn his back on the ball?

Gemmill went in for gender realignment surgery and the doctor took a look and said, “ It seems to be healing very well…”

Remember when Friday afternoon on here used to just be people getting excited cos it was nearly the weekend. I've just read the last two pages and it feels like Monday morning, you cunts.

I got called out of a busy work meeting many years ago by a secretary saying someone had phoned and left a message that my wife had been in an armed robbery at the post office where she worked. How I laughed til they rang back 30 minutes later saying she was now on her way to hospital in a very traumatised state

It was a great send off mate thanks for asking. some of you will know I played for a couple of professional clubs as a youngster (sheff wed and Sunderland) up until the offering pro terms or letting you go. There is a lot of tales told about young footballers that are nonsense, and as I said there could be a book written about it but safe to say a lot of peoples opinions of young footballers are wrong (or were, 20 years ago)

It’s been my old man’s funeral today and I am pissed, but I could and might write a story about the kids/money/talent/age stuff

"Like Alannis Morrisette said once back in the days of entertaining Newcastle United sides, 'Isn't it ironic, don't you think?' Once loudmouthed, cockney gobshites with holsten piss on their shirts buying our best players plus Kevin Scott and Ruel Fox to now showcasing Son and Kane for NUFC to see if we're interested in buying them? Lol. This is your match thread and I'm the people's chosen reporter, been there, marched up seven sisters, watched some frisk just a few yards away and now telling it like it is, straight from the shoulder like one of my mentors, one John Gibson esq. 'Caaaamm on you Spuuuurs', nar son, pipe doon, the proper chanters are in the smurk today to show you how supping, crooning and hopefully how football is done. Laters, Ryder and out!"

Sure Miguel, doing a really good job of holding them to task so far. He also is posting pictures about how good everything looks, but yeah something about it being important they can’t sportswash is his reason for being there.

I was rereading the start of the covid thread the other day (I know I know) and there were a couple of main things that stood out. First @Renton got a load of stick but was pretty much right about everything Second, there was a naive hope that it was such a catastrophic event that, much like after the war, a better society would come out of it. How wrong that has been proved, the richer are much much richer, and poverty has fucking spiralled. It's over. The corporations have won. They control the institutions, the message the government.

I got royally fucked over on Electricty through zero fault of my own. But every cloud…… At least the neighbours probably won’t have to face me dashing in and out of the hot tub this year

The random shortages are entirely due to the ongoing lack of HGV drivers.… … because of Brexit. Doesn’t help that the DVLA are slower than a mackem walking past a playground at sending out licenses.

CT man, this is a family website!

A couple of months ago my lad nicked one of the remotes for the projectors at school. Since every room the same model and the remotes worked off the same frequency he had a field day powering the things down whilst in lesson but also when walking past others as well. 2 of them were replaced for being faulty before they cottoned on to what had happened. Always one to answer a straight question with a truthful answer his response was "of course I did, and it's been utterly hilarious!" Bought himself a week in isolation for that stunt

'Why wudeye want to soign the oil monoi jawdoize when he's at the Man Yow of the West Midlands? Delowshinill thowse jawdoize tbh.'

Absolutely re: your last sentence. Little by little, drip by drip. Lie, lie, lie. Demonise entire groups. Gaslight. Dog whistle. Normalise it all. The boiling frog. I mean, take supermarkets. Apart from the appalling price increases, people just accept empty shelves faced over with tat as normal now. When my wife goes shopping and tells me she couldn't get x, y, and z, I just shrug. This really wasn't normal a couple of years ago. It's incredible how easy people forget and accept.

Done the first one a few times, didn't have to be April fools though. Paul Davies, if you're reading, yes, it was me. (He won't be as he's a mackem prick)

Just a quick point of order, if I was wanting to illustrate how filled with holes something was, and wanted to use a cheese to make that point... I wouldn't use Gruyere. Emmental maybe?

a brazilian midfield of bruno, joelinton and coutinho - maybe throw in a cheeky bid for paqueta too

I'm in a WhatsApp group with a couple of villa fans and this has really pleased them this morning

Probably shite and who knows if his current decent form is only temporary but if the headline causes a few twitchy sphincters in the West Midlands then all's good. ®HMHM seal of approval.

Probably bollocks but would be a great signing and fuck Villa off as well given they're convinced it's a done deal.

Have you still got that flagrant crotch grazer in charge?

Oh, I do really like it when English people get big nosed ahead of a tournament. It normally ends in an epic failure. Normally it was Stevie, but Gemmill will do this time. Great minds…

The media are utterly essential for any sportswashing project and he must realise this...hes the same as the rest of us, he's fucked if he's making a stand, his life's too good... and I'm fucked if I'm jacking my ST because we might win the league cup

the bbc doc about the decade the rich won is spot on. the era of QE and austerity was great if you were lucky enough to own assets - for other people, not so much. and it's the next generation who are going to be the most fucked by osborne's legacy.

Well CT, I really hope this is just a bad patch but as an example civil servants were awarded an average 2% pay increase this year yesterday, capped at 3%. Their pay has already gone down 11% in real terms in the last decade because of austerity, and this is an effective pay cut of 5% on top of that. What civil servants get is what the rest of the public sector can expect - the military, teachers, council staff, NHS, and social care. You say this isn't a UK specific problem but the fact remains that during our years of austerity, when peoples wages stagnated or decreased, against a backdrop of hugely inflated housing costs and now energy and food, this simply didn't occur in the EU or even the US. I don't have the data to hand to prove this but might dig it out if you want later. And ironically the country's debt is worse now than ever been. It's hard not to be partisan about when where the blame lies is so crystal clear. It was avoidable. I think the future is indeed bleak for a large number of our kids and I feel desperately sorry for them. With housing costs and insane exorbitant fees for education, which the tories put up again this year, what other conclusion is there. And this is before we consider global issues.

I’ve worked with a lot of young people lately and while it obviously doesn’t apply to all, absolutely loads of them are completely wrapped up in superficial stuff. These tend to know absolutely fuck all about anything unless they can remember seeing it happen via whatever media. This isn’t necessarily all their own fault but it’s depressing nonetheless

Aye but in Newcastle atm flat hunting - I figure I've timed this just poorly enough that I'll get hit with the huge energy price hike before it has a chance to impact the rental market, and end up overpaying on both. Still though, I'm glad to be heading home.

arr thur fewoomin skip, "eel never soin for thur jawdees"

My two favourite office April fools pranks were: 1 - Take a screenshot of someone's desktop, remove/hide all their icons and folders, and then make the screenshot their background. Even someone reasonably computer savvy would take a few seconds to realise what had happened - and the less savvy are just fucking doomed ("My computer has frozen, I can't click anything") 2 - I don't think this is possible anymore (definitely not on this key combo anyway), but you used to be able to hit CTRL, ALT and the Down key to turn the screen upside down. So you could wait for them to get up for a coffee and then invert their screen - when they get back and raise it as an issue you can then ask how on earth they managed to break their PC so badly, etc. I think I was the only one who found it amusing tbf But isn't that normally the way with April Fools?

No matter what his actual belief on this is, what he has made abundantly clear is that he can be talked out of or into anything based on which way the wind is blowing. He is the very opposite of a man of conviction.

Goddammit, will no one let me give wyki a coronary?

Done his ACL in training apparently. Nine months out.

3pm: 'Fuck them, I couldn't give a shit' 9pm: 'Hold on, I care passionately about this' Honestly, a more convincing excuse would have been 'April Fools!'.

Everyone had his number after about two posts tbh

Nae cunt leaves here until we knaw wat cunt did it.

Brilliant, well deserved. Going from Steve Bruce’s turgid shite, to having PL manager of the month, and PL player of the month awarded to our lot in the same season

He’s a Man Utd fan isn’t he? Arrogant exceptionalism is par for the course

spoil sports Probably wise mate

FYP