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When did it become wrong to send dick pics to female members of staff using your company email account? Games gone

"Ah also asked to make sure he wasn't leaving Lyon because of dodgy texts to any lasses as the Knight doesn't get his fingers burnt twice in one day. Not this gadgie! Lol."

Are you sure you want to sort this out?

Lennon fighting with their fans on the touch line about two games into his managerial reign would be great. As would their fans claiming he broke Shearer’s foot that time he head butted it

They’re supposed to go into the office a couple of days a week but he’d been getting away with wfh everyday. Until someone grassed him up to HR

You can fucking talk!

And Yewtree

Psychic Magedia, marra

Seems Keane has walked away but it’ll be fine (yoorup in a few years)

Howe: [Speaking really slowly] "TRY AND DO A GOAL." Bruno: "Compendre."

Not actually "Appointed" after all then Danny fuckin Zuko

Which one?

Ryder’s had yet another mare on Twitter over this 😂😂😂

It would be an excellent PR move from our already universally loved and respected ownership

Getting plenty of good vibes about this bunch we've bought/loaned. All seem like solid lads who havent just come here to earn a quick few quid, they seem to he here for the football. Hope I'm not eating my words after tomorrow night and we can tear Everton a new one.

Jenas fucking desperate to peddle his usual shite about “surviving” like that’s admirable or an achievement in any way. The man is the walking embodiment of mediocrity

It was just Rayvin trying to get his autograph. It isn't a show without punch.

So does the mouse.

Not a huge surprise these turned out to be cunts. Her own father lied about doing laps of the garden when CLEARLY they were lengths.

New fave already.

Dunno if this has been posted but it's worth a watch if not.

Shame that he isn’t capable of moving himself on quickly.

Bruno Guimaraes spoke to Claudio Cacapa before joining Newcastle In his two seasons as a Newcastle United player in the late-2000s, Claudio Cacapa did not exactly set the world alight. A central defender who was also used to fill a gap in defensive midfield, the Brazilian made 25 thoroughly unremarkable league appearances for the Magpies before heading back to his homeland to join Cruzeiro. A decade-and-a-half after first arriving at St James’ Park, however, and Cacapa might just have made his most influential intervention relating to the Magpies. Now a coach at French club Lyon, the former Brazil international was approached by his compatriot, Bruno Guimaraes, last month to discuss the midfielder’s proposed move to Newcastle. Would Cacapa recommend a move to St James’ Park? Or would he suggest remaining in Ligue 1 given Newcastle’s struggles in the table? The fact that Guimaraes is preparing to make his Magpies debut against Everton tomorrow night confirms Cacapa’s response was the former. “I’d like to mention Claudio Cacapa,” said Guimaraes this afternoon, as he conducted his first press conference as a Newcastle player in the media room at St James’ Park with the aid of an interpreter. “He is a coach at Lyon now and I spoke to him a lot about coming here. He’s someone who helped me in my decision, so warmest regards to Claudio.” Thankfully, for Newcastle, Cacapa was able to enthuse about the club’s glorious past rather than its more precarious present. The here and now was left to Amanda Staveley and her fellow directors to discuss, and while Guimaraes was left in no doubt that avoiding relegation is the overriding priority this season, Newcastle’s owners spelled out a bright future vision that persuaded the 24-year-old it was not madness to swap a Lyon side targeting a European place in Ligue 1 for a Magpies line-up currently sitting in 19th position in the Premier League. “They were very up front and honest about it,” said Guimaraes. “They didn’t disguise that the main objective and challenge was remaining in the Premier League this season. "But in the seasons coming, the objective is to be in the Champions League and eventually to win the Champions League. I believe in the project, I believe in everything they spoke to me about, and I am really happy to be a part of this project.” Winning the Champions League? Is that really a realistic proposition? “We are definitely going to be a club that is going to be a big power in world football,” Guimaraes continued. “This is a historic club with a great tradition and a beautiful history, I have no doubts about my decision to come to Newcastle.” The switch to St James’ Park is the latest leg of a footballing odyssey that has taken Guimaraes from the impoverished Rio de Janeiro neighbourhood of Sao Cristovao to the relative bright lights of Brazilian top-flight side Atletico Paranaense, and then on to Lyon, where he made 56 appearances in Ligue 1. His career has seen him involved in transfers worth more than a cumulative £60m, but his life began with a series of sacrifices that saw him leave his family at a young age to pursue his dream of making it as a footballer. “I left home really early, when I was just 15,” he said. “I went to live in another state. I was alone in digs when I was at Audax. I only saw my parents twice a month and I am an only child. “It was really different for me and really difficult for them. It was a difficult time and I really missed them. I missed home. But I would do it all again to get here now.” Guimaraes will wear the number 39 shirt with Newcastle, a nod to his father, Dick, who made a series of sacrifices when he was working as a taxi driver in order to support his son’s footballing ambitions. “My dad was a taxi driver for 20 years and that was his taxi number,” said the midfielder. “Number 39. So, he asked me when I signed for my first professional club, Atletico Paranaense, he asked me to take his number for my shirt. “I didn’t even have to ask for it, they gave it to me. That is the number that has sustained my family when I was growing up. It is also a lucky number in my family because of that. “We won four titles at Paranaense and it has proved to be a lucky number for me on the pitch. I will take it everywhere with me.”

Aye I don't know if I was just being precious, but I thought he sounded like a little bellend saying he basically rejected it out of hand. See how you feel in 5 years time when we're fucking pumping 6 past your little Italian outfit in the CL, Robin. ASSUMING THEY EVEN QUALIFY WITH SHIT LIKE YOU IN THEIR TEAM.

Have they rescheduled the bran tub ceremony, yet?

I've actually had to go into work, back end of last week and today. Tough times for me, tougher times for Toontastic. I'll set up a Patreon and if you can all cover my salary, I'll happy quit and post full time.

I think he’s confused this with a football forum

"Can confirm after this time googling first, that Ashworth HASN'T been sexting female members of staff and understand Craig's information isn't wide of the mark."

How many times do we hear managers and pundits stating you can only get match fit by playing matches, he needs to be starting! Never understand 'breaking a player in gently' into a losing a side. That approach may have some credence when you're regularly winning, but we aren't. Something needs to change and it won't be doing much impact sitting on the bench.

The number of intense stares and upskirt close ups in this was impressive, especially culminating in the 5 way at the end.

(Blatantly lights cigars with twenty pound notes, this'un).

Whatever you do, don't put a NUFC top on and go in the home end as you'll totally piss off the odd fruitcake exiled mackems that do this for the 'mags obsessed' crack. (They secretly love seeing themselves in black & white, it's their dirty little vice).

finding it very hard to think there's anything even remotely funny about mackems at the moment when you've got literally hundreds of the cunts turning up on your doorstep in the morning.

One of my best pals was absolutely adamant that Captain Tom was a wrong ‘un. It was based on absolutely nothing but I’m starting to think he may have been onto something.

I'm increasingly dismayed about what this country is becoming. Non of this should be normal, but it is now, thanks to the conservative party here and the republican party in the US. Talking of which, it reminds me of the latest piece Jonathon Pie has done for the NYT. If you haven't watched this, please do, its his best yet, and its clear the anger is genuine. https://www.nytimes.com/2022/02/04/opinion/boris-johnson-party-scandal.html

Mackems will be seething at Jake Humphrey again for praising our DoF 2 and a half years before he was appointed

God damn it, Wykiki! You're a goddamn genius! That's the most outstanding answer I've ever heard. You must have a goddamn IQ of 160! You are goddamn gifted Wykiki!

To be fair to Lee Ryder, he was too busy deleting text messages and emails to take notice.

Nice one, good to finally have got this sorted. Bodes well for the summer window. Just the small matter of stopping up now...!

Get in, made up with that, he’ll get the footballing side shit hot. Did wonders with West Brom and Brighton, not to mention his role in the current England setup.

L8rs, lol

Yeah so very obviously Lee...

That's no way to talk about CT''s missus etc.... The little fuckers freak me out too. Last one I had I cornered and it climbed into my sound systems woofer. I couldn't get it out without dismantling it so I just took the speaker to the dump and left it. Gruesome.