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Hello, this is an automated email from the bed wetters association. I am sorry for the late reply to your email as we have been inundated with applications to join. We shall respond to your application ASAP. Yours Dr Gloom & Wykikitoon PS We told you months back.

Took this in August 2019 from my flat window where I was living at the time, having frequent insomnia. The views from that flat were amazing but sun rise over the Priory was something else.

Caught the dawn whilst walking the dog this morning... I know precisely fuck all about photography but you've got to be spectacularly useless not to be able to take a decent pic with a modern smartphone..

An older chap offered to take a snap of me and the family when we went to Northumberlandia last Sunday to walk off the food coma. The results were less than spectacular

Another trip abroad and another opportunity to be thankful for the fact that I’m Irish. It took me 45 minutes getting through the EU passport queue at Geneva but the non-EU queue was about five times longer and wasn’t moving at all. I genuinely felt sorry for 48% of them.

Lovely pic PL. London was looking pretty sexy this week at dusk

it's time to start the music, it's time to light the lights......

@diego @Fish there's a new sheriff in town

That’s it, come into the fold. Where the very mention of an Isaac Hayden Instagram post full of bullshit platitudes is enough to send you into a rage

The fucking inbreds have arrived

Its hilarious that, of all the things going pear-shaped at the club, this is the one you’ve picked to get your back up. I hope that when we sign Botman his medical takes a week, just to see your head explode 🤯

What’s the worst thing that could happen? We go down and then batter the fuck out of everyone else in The Championship next year (which we will as the standard of The Championship is fucking woeful). It might set us back a year or two but we’ll still be on the right trajectory. We’ve had nothing to look forward to for years so let’s not all get too down about it. The majority of us on here are middle aged bastards who have had the hope beaten out of us over the years. We just need a bit of patience.

When did you have your toes amputated?

I'm absolutely sick of the sight of most of our players, it's not even that they're mercenaries it's just they're so fucking bad even when they try.

Do not tempt him, shallow one.

Still 201 games in the third division marra, and not much prospect of getting out of it.

Good post.

Today was your 201st game in the third tier of English football.

Two centre halves, a central midfielder with a proper engine, another wide player and another striker at the bare minimum. If you’re being more critical, it’s a left back, another keeper and yet another central midfielder as well

I'll be surprised if there's a slower midfield in the country. The amount of basic, unforced errors we make is unbelievable. Usually results in all hands to the pump as well. Lascelles and Saint-Maximin are the biggest culprits.

We are absolutely desperate for CMs. They just offer absolutely nothing, Shelvey and Longstaff don’t even bring any energy to the game, they’re so painfully slow, don’t help in attack and don’t screen defence. For me this is our biggest need.

“FUUUCCCKIINNCROSSS IT MAAAAN YAAA DOYLE”

Tsk, people shouldn't have kids if they can't afford them

Have they not heard of frozen grapes?

After that disappointing result against Watford, to cheer myself up I'm going to mention some players I want for Newcastle (we probably won't get a single one, but I can dream ok!). Prices are in euros (£1 = €1.2) because EPL clubs won't sell us anyone good. We have a €120m budget (£100m)- rumoured, don't know if its true. We have used €45m (£37.5m) on Trippier and Wood so have €75m (£62.5m) left. My priorities on players are in this order: CB > DM > CM > CF > LB Central Defender Name: Sven Botman (22 yo) Club: Lille Cost: ~€55m Why? One word. Lascelles. We need some steel at the back who can close out a 1 nil. Botman is possibly a new Jaap Stam and could be our Kompany. Highly rated 22 yo Lille left footed CB with excellent physical ability (what Lascelle lacked today) and a brilliant passer. Main weakness is a lack of pace so would need to be partnered with someone quick or play a 3 man defence. I know we've tried to get him but we've offered €40m and they want €55m. You can see his stats in Ligue 1, he's a good passer and brings the ball out of defence. https://fbref.com/en/players/ccce7025/Sven-Botman Defensive Midfield Name: Boubacar Kamara (22 yo) Club: Marseille Cost: ~€15m Why? We need someone who can protect the back four. Too often teams go through us. We play Shelvey in front but the man is a sieve, full of holes. Kamara's contract expires in 6 months so would be "cheap" but he wants £150k/wk. He can play centre back, is right footed, quick and an excellent passer. He is 22 and plays for Marseille so the question is, could he justify so much money compared to say Trippier? Main issue is he's unproven in the EPL. He has excellent stats in the league though as one of the best passers and a good tackler. https://fbref.com/en/players/cc77354e/Boubacar-Kamara Midfielder Name: Bruno Guimares (24 yo) Club: Lyon Cost: ~€45m Why? Two words. Sean Longstaff. Need someone who can tackle, protect, pressure and most important pass. Longstaff sadly has regressed and looks like a deer in headlights. He's wanted by Arsenal but thankfully Champions League teams are just monitoring. His best attribute is his passing, think De Bruyne through balls. Just watch some youtube videos. But he's not an Attacking midfielder, he plays a deep role and is an excellent tackler and ball pressurer. He is capable of winning the ball back and starting attacks, exactly what Shelvey is meant to do but hasn't. If he comes it will be for money but he still has his best years ahead of him. https://fbref.com/en/players/82518f62/Bruno-Guimaraes Left Back Name: Nicolas Taglifico (29 yo) Club: Ajax Cost: ~€20m Why? Dummett did a decent job and Lewis is making progress but neither offer an attacking threat. There's a reason why Maximin runs down the left with no overlap. He's a quality left back and can attack and defend. He's fallen out of favour at Ajax, behind Blind, so we may be able to pry him away. Just look at his stats over last 365 days, solid both in attack and defence. https://fbref.com/en/players/f0661424/Nicolas-Tagliafico Striker Name: Dusan Vlahovic (21 yo) Club: Fiorentina Cost: ~€80m Why? We need goals. We can't expect to hold onto 1 nils and we have one of the lowest goal tallies. We are a team under pressure and if we go 2 nil up, we may actually win the game. Wood won't get us more than 5 and is a good impact sub. Its between him and Schick for our "Marquee" signing and the main issue is the guy himself. Vlahovic wants to play in the champions league but only clubs like Tottenham and Arsenal are interested i.e not CL clubs. He has 18 months left and he is refusing to sign a new deal so Fiorentina want to cash out, they'll make more money now than the summer. Arsenal are trying to convince the guy but the stumbling blocks are: 1. He wants 300k/wk. 2. £20m agency fees 3. Fiorentina want cash deal not instalments - poor Arsenal can only do instalments. Apparently, after the transfer fee and wages, it works out to £150m (€180m) over 5 years! Is he worth that money? Probably not, after all that is Mo Salah/ Haaland territory and the guy isn't that good yet but is excellent. 17 goals in Serie A this season, good hold up play and an aerial threat. Can score from long range and can carry the ball. Main weakness is he is one footed (left) and positioning, he drops very deep to pick up the ball that he misses out on a lot of poacher goals. This guy is an outside chance and only because of the money but he is the best we can afford if he is willing to come. https://fbref.com/en/players/79443529/Dusan-Vlahovic How I'd pay - note we are only allowed 2 loan signings or I would loan Botman and Taglifico too!: Sven Botman = Transfer: Buy for €50m + €5m add ons (read, if we stay up) Boubacar Kamara = Transfer: Buy for €15m Nicolas Tagliafico = Transfer: Buy for €15m + €5m add ons (read, if we stay up) Bruno Guimarres = Loan-to-buy: Loan fee of €15m + €30m in summer (read, if we stay up) Dusan Vlahovic = Loan-to-buy: Loan fee of €20m + €60m in summer (read, if we stay up) If Vlahovic is out of reach then try Schick who has 17 goals and is two footed and good in the air for €60m, cheaper than Vlahovic, again loan-to-buy with a hefty loan fee that would be subtracted from final buy fee. The loan-to-buy can affectively give us a couple of world class players in form to stave off relegation. The problem with the Van Der Beeks is they are not what we need right now. Also loaning these players first, we can check if they're any good. No point in ending up with another Thauvin (who is classm only in France), we need a Laurent Robert! This is important because of FFP, we can't waste too much money or we'll be like Everton, £400m wasted on mid table mediocrity (e.g. Iwobi) and now can't spend anything for several windows. So that's 50 + 15 + 15 + 15 + 20 = €115m. That means we should sell €40m in players (do we even have €40m in players! joke). We would need to sell for spaces anyway, so I would sell: Longstaff - €6m (contract up in summer, Hello Benitez) Gayle - €3m (championship club) Almiron - €12m (Half what we paid for him but some club would take him at that value as he's still 27) Kraft - €3m (Surplus to requirements, Swedish international, should be worth a few mil) Clark - €1m (32, champions club would pick him up) Total = €25m That's a net spend of €115 - 25 = €90m. So €15m over the €75m we theoretically have left in this window but within margins for error especially for a marquee signing. I know that would mean Vlahovic and Guimarres would cost us €90m more in the next window (even more with add ons) but as it's a new financial year we still have some wiggle room for more players. Most importantly, there are several free transfers that might be available in the summer like Lingard (RW), Zakaria (DM), Onana (GK), Tarkowski (CB), Dembele (RW) that we can replace several of our weakness without spending too much. We can also try and unsettle players with 12 months left on their contract e.g. Gosen (LM) from Atlanta. So with those 5, my starting XI in a 4-1-2-3 would be: Dubravka Trippier Schar Botman Taglifico Kamara Guimarres Joelinton Fraser Maximin Vlahovic If Schar is a liability then put Kamara in the back 4 and Hayden back in the team as the DM. With Wilson back, play 4-4-2 with Maximin or Fraser replace by Joelinton out wide. In a 4-2-3-1, Kamara, Guimarres and Joelinton are excellent ball winners. While Kamara and Guimarres will look for the pass after winning the ball, Joelinton will carry it out of midfield. Maximin and Fraser are to create chances with support from Trippier and Taglifico who are good crossers. Summer window I'd get 2 new wide men and a centre back. Anyway, that's my dream, writing this has made me a little less sad about the result today. Time is the best healer.

These players are playing about as well as they can and putting about as much effort in as they can.... am not sure what other conclusion anyone could reach..we've won one in 20 . Am not sure what extra EH has produced tbh. I don't hate him, think he's rubbish etc, just judging him on outcomes. The better stats aren't winning games.....

It sets us back two at the very least and also takes a sizeable chunk out of our allowed spending allowance as you lose about £80m. Honestly couldn't see us getting back up this time had the takeover not occurred. (We could still stay up even now but it isn't happening if there's not at least two good signings in midfield and defence.

Going down doesn't set us back 'just a year' IMO it sets us back 2-3.

My feet are fucked up. They’re almost as wide as they are long- proper Hobbit jobs. Since you’re asking, here… enjoy your dinner. Monkey version…

We absolutely have to make more progress on transfers as soon as possible. I knew this team wouldn’t be enough, we can talk about transfers being difficult but they have to lump up or face facts and go down here. We are trying to sign a bloke at the current 2nd placed team in Spain who have no financial pressure to make the deal, if this is who we are targeting we need to pay the ask or move on from it. We’ve wasted 2 weeks haggling over 2 CBs and it cost us today. I’ve no idea where we are with CM’s but they’re a fucking dire need too.

Disappointed by the result. We were decent until we scored, after which we just sat back and invited pressure :(. My Player Ratings: Dubravka - 6. Made one important save, ok in commanding his area but no clean sheet so no 7. Trippier - 6. Solid defensively but him and Lascelles were caught a couple of times with through balls which allowed Denis in. Offered some kind of attacking threat down the right with Fraser. Lascelles - 4. Some missed aerial duels and needs to be stronger vs Pedro. Can see why we want Diego Carlos as his yard of pace can cover at the back. Schar - 6. Solid enough. He distributed the ball better than Lascelles but no team clean sheet. Dummett - 6 - Much better defensively than Richie but grew tired as game went on and was lunging a lot. Should have done better to prevent cross at the end. Fraser - 5. Was good first half and put some decent balls in. Again after we scored faded and offered little help to Trippier. Shelvey - 5. Not a defensive midfielder. Offers zero protection to back 4 and doesn't have the physical stats to boss the midfield so relies on slide tackles. Early booking meant he was even less effective. Passing was ok but lack of movement upfront meant he couldn't unlock the opposition. Longstaff - 4. Absent for long periods. Doesn't help the defence nor the attack. Not sure what he offers. Joelinton - 7. Best player for Newcastle. Broke up the play a lot and bossed Sissoko. Unlucky not to score but that's also his biggest problem. Carries the ball 20-30 yards but then can't pass or shoot. If only he could add goals or assists to his game ... Saint Maximin - 6. Mixed performance. Gave the ball away a lot, at least 6 times, probably more. Was in the right back's pocket for most of the game but he has that bit of magic which we need. Could have helped Dummett out more, but Joelinton did a good job to cover for him (Longstaff should have being doing the same down the right). He needs to work on his crossing/ goal creating and develop his left foot because he's pretty easy to stop crosses/ passes against. Wood - 5. He tried but didn't offer as good an outlet as say Rondon did for us. To be fair the Watford lads are all huge so it was a struggle. Not much in the way of chances but its also clear to see why he only scored 3 goals this season. Howe - 5. Set up was fine, and we were the better team the first half but they always looked dangerous on the counter. Disappointing that he just made us sit back and invite pressure after our goal. Especially after Watford missed a few good chances. I don't think its all doom and gloom but we are in serious trouble. We need at least one DM and one CB before Leeds. And then some creativity in midfield or the wing. This is the bare minimum, we could also do with another goal threat and a LB who can go forward. That's 3 to 5 players before the window closes. I also think we should try and use our two loans to get £40m+ players for 6 months with an option to buy but include a loan fee that is a quarter of the buy price. That way if we go down, these expensive players aren't on our books but also we can see if they work in the PL. This is oppose to getting someone like Van der Beek who although a class player is not what we need. Norwich winning today is not a bad result as it drags Everton into the mix. If we can beat Leeds that will be 6 teams in the mix which gives us a better chance of survival. I know, we only have a chance against Leeds with a few new reinforcements but maybe a silver lining is we are forced to try and push a few deals through.

Sewpa Fan

Hard to do at moments like this, but worth remember that this is very temporary. We are fucking LOADED. If we go down, we'll walk the Championship and we'll be an entirely different prospect when we come up. If we stop up, we'll be nowhere near the relegation zone next season. And some of the absolute losers currently occupying the shirt will have been fucked right the fuck off.

Longstaff has all the enthusiasm of an alcoholic working a 12 shift in a call centre

Come on!

James Joyce??

In times of war the airport has a designation that makes it a military facility, all crews have to be familiar with the approach, that’s why you see a lot of military stuff going round and round as if landing/taking off. Was told that by a RAF person some years ago.

Just read the BBC bit about the game, nothing remotely interesting in it until the bottom- they’re still paying a wage to Mark “ Face Like A Prolapsed Fanny” Lawrenson for his predictions. Droopy reckons we’ll win 2-1, so, get the Vaseline ready lads, it’ll make the bumming easier.

Did someone say wine?

I think Willock didn’t get on because of his attitude and general performance against Cambridge tbh. It was appalling. As for Howe, I reckon there’s probably an understanding and school of thought that says he needs some actually quality with him before he’s judged properly. I think it’s fair to say that these players are beyond help

Wood Sheareresque in his ability to draw fouls at least.

Arsehole twitching like a rabbit’s nose

I don’t think it’s going to effect the kick off like