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It’s the one about the former player, whose mother was racially abused by their fans, scoring the goal that sent them to the third tier of English football

Hard as it is to believe, but I reckon the beard is the only thing real about him. I refuse to believe it's even possible to create a fake beard that looks that bad. #badbeard #mankydrink #waltermittyoncrystalmeth #heronfoods

It's all about the self-promotion and it's clearly working. 21 likes for that tweet, I think that's what the kids call 'going viral'.

Shelvey still has one

It’s a typo, he means “Stella business” - getting wrecked with his pals at the shelter.

Ok I'll put you out of your misery. In 2009, Bob Wisheart, a Newcastle United fan from Longbenton was that sozzled after heavily drinking on the Sunday we got relegated at Villa park that he walked into the police station that used to be in Market Street and asked to be arrested to be put out of his NUFC related misery. Unfortunately Bob being a bit pissed combined with the police having no sense of humour ended up with Bob getting arrested for assaulting an officer. He got a short custodial sentence and whilst was in prison had this encounter, I'll leave the rest in Bob's words......"On my first day in Acklington HMP all bravado from my drunken encounter had disappeared and I was genuinely shitting it. I was put in my cell whilst the other prisoners were having their dinner and told I'd have a cell mate so just hoped my cell mate wouldn't be a total psycho. Anyway after dinner the door opened and in walked a six foot by six foot tattooed fucking monster. I said 'alright?' and tried to act cool but he just glowered at me till he heard the footsteps of the screws walking away and then said in a gravelly voice, 'Do you like games?' I replied 'What?' He said again, 'Do you like games?' but a little more louder and a bit more insistent. 'err, aye, I don't mind I suppose....' Then he interrupted me, 'Let's play mammys and daddys!' It was at this point that my heart sank and I thought I was in for a total beasting before he added, 'I'll be the mammy, you be the daddy.' I then thought, ok Bob, this mightn't be as bad as it could be, let's see what happens so I said 'ok then, if you want I'll be the daddy and you'll be mammy.' He then smiled before growling at me as I tried to smile back.....'Right, now that's settled come over here and start sucking mammy's cock'.

Spoken like a true 30 year old

Fuck Off. You dialect spelling cunt.

Thought your jab was key to the food security in Northern Ireland. To be sure, to be sure.

charver, please

Cheapest copy on discogs is about 30 quid! Still wouldn’t sell mine like

Is that the one about enjoying Burton? Now that was funny

I’m not convinced that even the beard is real

If it is then you’ve just breached the conditions of your release.

Well, that’s us told lads.

Laters, lol

How much did you pay for your last guitar pedal? (Gonnae rinse this cunt here)

I could tell you a historically accurate story about someone who spent his days hovering around the gates of a "playground with a bunch of 10 year old kids gathered from a special need school" asking vague questions and throwing around half arsed insults. It ends a bit like the story @Howmanheyman already told.

Fuck Off.

Mackem walks in to a sandwich shop and asks for a bacon butty. Server says “ You want that in a roll?” Mackem - “ In bread” Server …

Gravy

This is behaviour unbecoming of a judge.

#business

I have a funny story about a team being relegated to League One

#worstzztoptributeactever

He starts a thread like this and then has the brass neck to act like he’s the smart one here? Fuck off you nonce.

It’s mad he bothers tweeting this nonsense out, surely he knows no one believes him and it’s not like it ever even happens, so why fucking bother?

Starting to worry about the way your mind works ... but

Bye then

This sounds vaguely familiar

All he wanted to do was talk about his beloved story about a NUFC fan going to jail because of relegation, I mean isn't that what playgrounds and forums are for?

Ungrateful bastard.

I can’t believe Wickes are still using the same logo

They have history on this.

Try washing them lol

Why won’t anyone answer his SIMPLE question?!

Sorry for your loss mate. Remember to take care of yourself