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The Knight: "Archra, err...Archo.....Artcraft, err....Lazaar! Alreet wor kid? You're looking in good shape, kidda! Think you've a a great chance of getting in the side next season, son. It's Lee, Lee Ryder by the way, top reporter on all things NUFC from the evening chronicle, you might've heard the other players mentioning me? Anyways, do you fancy a quick interview then mebbees meet up once a month for a chat?" Achraf Lazaar: "I'm really sorry, but Lee Marshall sorts out the interviews for players." The Knight: "Nee bother, young'un."

Nolan disappeared up his own arse with that shittastic third Batman film and only sort of resurfaced to do Dunkirk before crawling back up with renewed vigour

We are signing Holden from Arsenal on loan apparently. No option to buy. Just what we need, a 7th choice centre half. He will fit in well with the 3rd choice GK we’ve signed

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/53944598 Klopp has told everyone Liverpool are not going for Messi Just to make sure the press haven't forgot about Liverpool

He’s big, strong and quick. Not the best finisher. Ideal really cos we have too many lethal strikers as it is

Oh that cunt again

Fyp

They had to retire the Tekken machine since I was beating everyone and having lots of sex with their goth girlfriends, single-handedly curing them of their ailment.

Yeah there's lots of incredible hunks on this series. I can see you in your denim jacket, sleeves rolled up, dominating the NAMCO at the Metrocentre.

It’s funny how the 303 and 606 weren’t popular with the rock market they were aimed at, then ended up in pawn shops and young kids from places like Detroit and Chicago got hold of them on the cheap. They started experimenting with them and that gave rise to house and techno, etc

After watching that show on Behringer I was doing a bit of reading about them. Turns out they have made a replica of the old Roland Sh-101 synth (think Flock of Seagulls), the TR606 drum machine and the TD-303 bass line synth, which are basically the Holy trinity of Roland releases. I've actually got an original SH-101 and they are going for $2k plus, I can sell it, buy all of the Behringer copies - which I might add review as identical, maybe even better because they have incorporated the mods people made, and still walk away with about $500 in my hand!

Do virus dream of cereal cafes?

Redcar is probably 96% British too, like the rest of the North East Still, Boris will see them right.

There’s a local journalist in Devon who wrote the line “Things came to a head” and sat back, cracked a can, and went…

That's about all it's good for tbf.

Next week: Hear from the human egg who explains how you too can fritter away £1,000s on pointless hobbies while living in poverty.

Daily Mail website having a totally normal one today

Mate was on the phone telling me he failed his Australian aboriginal music course he'd been taking. 'Didgeridoo it?' I asked him.

"Get back here and run it off lad" *opens pringles*