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He can fuck off at any stage imo.

I was hungover and eating a lasagne in bed before. Beat that.

Not a great week for the Tories. Entire thread lasted below The week in Tory 1 Accidentally made it illegal to drive to Wales 2 Made it easier to see other people's parents than your own 3 Issued new advice that was officially ignored by Scotland, Wales, NI, and the councils of Manchester, Liverpool and Newcastle. 4 Admitted there WOULD be a border down the Irish Sea, after a year claiming there wouldn't 5 Said its ok for a child-minder to come into contact with your kids, as long as you "open a window" 6 Published advice that you can car-share, as long as the driver "doesn't look left” 7 Announced £2bn investment, so we could use public transport again 8 Told us it's our "civic duty" to avoid using public transport 9 Announced the PM would make a speech on Sunday, cos it had to be implemented Monday 10 Then, when challenged, said they meant Wednesday 11 Then said we must go to work 12 Then said we must not travel to work 13 Then said it was all explained in the published guidelines 14 Then had it pointed out to them in parliament that they hadn’t published guidelines 15 Blamed the public for not understanding the new rules 16 Then went on TV to explain the rules, got them wrong, and had to be corrected by Piers Morgan 17 Then went to parliament to explain the rules, STILL got them wrong, and had to be corrected by the opposition 18 Said we should wear facemasks 19 Then said we shouldn't wear facemasks 20 Then said - again - we should wear facemasks 21 Clapped for NHS workers 22 Then introduced a 55% increase in the fee foreign staff pay to work for the NHS 23 Announced quarantine for new arrivals, a mere 73 days after being officially advised to quarantine new arrivals 24 Announced they had "only just started" recruiting people to do track and trace, a mere 110 days after being officially advised to urgently do track and trace 25 Issued a plan to open schools, which teachers said was unsafe 26 Then said doctors were brave, but teachers weren't 27 Then had to watch as doctors said the teachers were right, and it wasn't safe to open schools 28 Then announced tests for kids but not for teachers 29 Then had to have it explained on live TV that infected teachers can still infect kids 30 Scored 0% in a French poll of which govt was doing best for its people 31 Dropped 45 net approval points in UK opinion polling

Fuck Off.

The pub in Forest Hall reopened today for a few hours, so I ran in and ordered 4 pints, three double rums, and a couple of port and brandys, and necked them one after the other. I looked at the barman and said, “Cheers mate, but I probably shouldn’t be in here with what I’ve got” He stepped away and asked, horrified, “Coronavirus?” I said, “ No mate, £1.75”.

Shit! Wrong message board

If it was some Tory cunt they’d be on about how kind they were and how marvellous the potential windfall is. That said, it’s looking good for him if that’s the best they can come up with.

Jesus Christ.

Good news for you lads with daughters.

Cheers. Ive been looking for ages for an A3 print of a manic, demented, zombie Michael Gove clapping the NHS to replace my Paul Ross one. Just the ticket.

A 15 minute political broadcast for free. And what was the point? The only sort of wanker who’d vote for him is the sort who’d spend their Sunday night watching golf.

From the drivel Hancock was coming out with, he was saying that the app operates by connecting phone to phone using bluetooth. So if two people are on the same bus, the app will make that connection and log that they've been in close proximity to one another. That way if you suddenly declare that you've got the corona hiv, the app will be able to alert anyone that has been in close enough proximity for your phones to have made this bluetooth connection. And everybody who you've connected with gets a fortnight off to bake bread and play board games. That was Hancock's version of events anyway but he's clearly a grotty little lying shit of a man, so he probably just got that off Star Trek.

Hey arseholes, it's the cooking thread. Do one.

Fuck me. Mumsnet @ TT is back

The worry for me is, we had a massive, nationwide buy in from big business, the NHS and the general public for 6 weeks. Most people socially distanced, all routine operations were cancelled and the hospitals were cleared out. The weather was lush and everyone was (largely) getting paid. We still had the 2nd highest death rate in the world For round 2, none of the above will happen. The hospitals will be full again and if this drags into the winter we normally struggle to manage at the best of times. It could be a fucking disaster And as for track and tracing. Sounds good on paper. Works well in small African villages tracing Ebola. I’ve got massive doubt that you can implement it in a country of 65million with open borders and everyone back at work however. How the fuck do you trace everyone a carrier has been in contact with on the tube? Or at the match? Its only feasible if the country is pretty much in lockdown. I take it most people have seen contagion?

A big chunk of the workforce rely on schools for childcare unfortunately. Like I said, there isn’t a right answer. But keeping schools shut indefinitely probably isn’t the solution

Good work. Did you use a shaping basket for that?

Don't get me wrong I completely agree - I'm just saying the tory priority is getting more people back to work.

Which is the driver rather than any shit about kids welfare.

People had enough of it after 6 weeks and I’d wager a solid 60% of the country are just flagrantly ignoring it at this point, including major retail places. It isn’t ingrained in the slightest. Once the green light is given (whenever that is), people will be straight back to normal.

I mean come on. Paul Hollywood can just fuck off at this stage.

I understand that schools will have to reopen at some point. But get your track and trace system up, and prove that it's working first. That was meant to be mid May, now they're saying end of May. Get it fucking sorted and then let people start moving back to normality, knowing you've got a robust system to isolate outbreaks.

How do I explain to my kid that it’ll be ok to go to school, (with 15-30 classmates depending on which way the wind blows), but he can’t go up the street for a cuddle with his Granny, or see his extended family, or play out with his mates? Utter nonsense.

I think the clever move would be to plan to reopen in a month and keep an eye on what is happening as schools reopen in Europe. If it’s successful in other countries then send the kids in until the summer holidays and use that to find out what works and what doesn’t to plan properly for their return in September.

And yet even the children, who don’t really understand politics, were tickled by the absurdity of Gove’s answer

“Man of the people Starmer owns land which could be worth up to £10m!” Turns out it’s field that backs on to his late mother’s house, and home to a donkey sanctuary. He bought the field so she could continue to watch the donkeys after she lost the ability to walk. What a cunt

On Marr: Marr: How are negotiations with the EU going? Gove. Good. They’re going well, with one proviso: we have our position and the EU have a different position Marr: So by well you mean badly?

This is what happens when middle aged white men cant see their kid for three hours every second Saturday.

Turn it over. If it has an apple on it, chuck it in the bin. 😉👍

Hitler's not happy with the Don.

They are the most pathetic club going. You don’t have to be a Newcastle fan to see they’re a complete fucking mess. That’s all they say about people that point out issues with their club, which they then ignore, then they wonder years later why it’s such a fucking mess. I look forward to that club being out of business tbh.

This thread was brought to you by.....

That if he builds houses on the land (which he can’t), the houses ‘may’ be worth ‘up to’ £10mil....